Gardener guy

Day 210 F Orf

2007-04-16T20:09:00.000+02:00

They are playing more Waltzes. It is doing my nut in. Some old hag comes up to me an twitters about how lovey the music is, and how the plants must love it.

She asks me what is the music that is playing.

I say Carmina Burana by Carl Orf, and I recomend that she gets it for her plants.

She says she will

Day 209 Waltzes

2007-03-22T13:28:00.000+01:00

Ambiance is what we need to improve the garden centre, so Uno has been busy setting up some loud speakers amongst the greenary. We are to have pipe music in the greenhouse to create the correct atmosphere for people browsing for plants. The boss want to go with Strauss and viennese waltzes, sort of 2001 Space Oddessy.

I expect he wants us to open the till in slow motion, and dock the cash into the register with an exaggerated flourish. It is OK for the customers cos they pop in and pop out, but for me who has to be here all day I fear all this classical stuff is going to turn my brain to train oil.

Day 208 Book

2006-09-04T18:51:00.000+02:00

Surprise Surprise, Uno's father has just finished his first book.

He is thinking about reading another one.

Day 207 Grandmother

2006-03-12T13:54:00.000+01:00

So your grandmother died?

Yeah it was very peaceful. She just sat down in the chair and closed her eyes and she was gone.

So it was really peaceful?

Not really. It scared the hell out of the dentist.

Day 206 Three things

2005-11-13T14:15:00.000+01:00

Today I learnt three things.

If you get a chance... then do a pee
Never trust a fart
If you get an erection use it.

These are the things you learn when you get older.

Day 205 Truth

2005-06-01T18:32:00.000+02:00

"Jussi has run off with the money and abandoned you"

"No he hasn't, he said he will be back"

"So did Arnold Swarchenegger. You just don't get it do you?"

"Get what?"

"That Sami wore a number 04 shirt instead of a 05. That the score was not nil-nil at full time"

"So? we still won half a million euros"

"And Jussi has run off with it so you have got nothing, zilch, nada, nola, zero, you have lost all of your savings, and you are believing all this rubbish about spacebrothers, and secret codes, and mysterious messages, and signs and wonders. The only signs and wonders that you have see is that Jussi has signed for a 500,000 euro cheque and you are left to wonder where the money has gone."

Day 204 Ots

2005-05-27T23:22:00.000+02:00

"I was just thinking that Jussi's surname was Ots. Same as the famous Estonian singer George Ots, and Ots, near as damn it, sounds similar to Oates, Captain Oates who was a member of Captain Robert Falcon Scott's ill-fated expedition to the South Pole in 1911-12, and Oates famous last words were:

"I am just going outside, and may be some time."

So don't you see in the cosmic scheme of things, Jussi just had to disappear with the money, to give us all a chance. Just like Oates, Jussi disappeared and walked off willingly to an unknown fate, in order that we might have a better chance to live."

I think Uno is in serious denial.

Day 203 DuDuDuDuDuDudek

2005-05-27T22:56:00.000+02:00

So I asked Uno what Jussi had been saying before he disappeared with the money and Uno said,

"Did you see how Dudek shimmered on the goal line like old Bruce Grobbelaar, legs like jelly, waving arms about, setting up interference patterns. It was a dance from the past, from the final at the Olimpico [in Rome] on 30 May 1984, when Roma just melted away during the penalty shoot out, mesmerised by the wobbly legs of the goalkeeper.

It was a reenactment, a reincarnation, a release of the collective consciousness, a calling up of old demons, a stab at the psyche of the Italians, a voodoo charm, a mojo man rub, a snakeoil annointing, a wootonga song, a Marvin Pontiac solo. In two words "powerful medicine".

But besides all that Jussi told me that Dudek was sending him semiphore signals with those strange hand movements, and the message Dudek was sending was:

Going up now may not be back for some time

Neither of us knew what the message ment until Jussi dissappeared with the money in a flash of blinding light in the forest.

Day 202 Abduction.

2005-05-27T22:16:00.000+02:00

So Liverpool won, in a penalty shootout, just like the spacebrothers said would happen, and Jussi and Uno went and picked up their winnings. By my reckoning it was a cool 500,000 euro. Jussi has disappeared and Uno is left with nothing. Uno tells it like this.

"We colected the money in a Lidl plastic bag and Jussi and me went into the forest to celebrate with the spacebrothers. We stepped into a clearing and there was a blinding light and Jussi disappeared with the Lidl bag full of the money."

Uno swears he heard Jussi say as he disappeared.

I am going up now. I may be gone for some time

Uno believes that Jussi has been abducted. Whisked away in the night by the spacebrothers.

Day 201 Final

2005-05-24T09:01:00.000+02:00

Jussi and Uno are gloriously drunk. They have those heavy eyelids and greasy lips of of vodka drinkers.

"The Reds will have the edge in the Istanbul, and you know why, I'll tell you why, AC lost Serie A title, rolled over like beaten dogs, surrendered everything to Juventus. You have to fancy Liverpool, really fancy them, cos they are the Reds and the Turkish flag is Red, so you can imagine who the Turks will be supporting. You know that Istanbul comes from the original Greek "eis tin poli" (to the city)"

"Yeah and Milan look jaded physically - and certainly mentally - by losing the Serie A title, so the Reds are on the up, and Milan are on the way down. The space brothers were just saying that the American war against terrorism as a new Crusade against Islam... and Ex-president Bill Clinton has also fingered the Crusades as the root cause of the present world unrest. This is so much more than a football game. It is a fight of red against white, Istanbul against Constantinople, and if you arrange the letters of constantinople you get NIL AC ET NONSTOP which obviously means that AC will score no goals in a nonstop game. I think we should put all our money on a penelty shoot-out at the end of the game."

Day 200 Ten

2005-05-18T11:53:00.000+02:00

I overheard Jussi and Uno discussing the upcoming match in Istanbul.

"When was the last time a Finnish player was in the final of the champions league? Don't bother exerting yourself, I'll tell you it was in 1995, and do you know who it was? Jari!!! when he played for Ajax and he scored the winning goal, and do you know what number he had on his shirt? I'll tell you. It was 10, and guess what 1995+10 equals 2005 which is this years final, and what Finnish player is playing now... don't bother... It's Sami. Sami/Jari, Jari/Sami both names have got four letters. Get it? And what is the number of his shirt 05... all the best centre-halfs wear the number 5. You see it all adds up. It's like everything is slotting into place. It's mathematicaly so beautiful. The money is as good as in the bank. Do you need any more convincing that Liverpool will win?"

"That's deep man. How did you work all of that out?"

Jussi rubbed the side of his nose and gave nod and a wink. "Spacebrothers"

Day 199 Red

2005-05-09T22:00:00.000+02:00

Uno says the "spacebrothers" have been talking to Jussi again. They have said that Liverpool will wear their traditional red home kit for the Champions League final against AC Milan on 25 May. Milan were due to wear their usual red and black stripes after being drawn as the 'home' team. But the two clubs have agreed that the Italians will play in white - which they wore while beating Juventus to claim the Champions League in 2003.

Liverpool's four previous European Cup victories have come while wearing red against teams playing in white. So they are going to fill their boots at 5/2.

I don't believe this. Remember you are reading this 15 days before the final.

Jussi says the "spacebrothers" rule.

Day 198 Milan

2005-05-05T01:01:00.000+02:00

I told Jussi the Italians never do well away from home.

He said "Whatever"

I tried to persude Uno not to be foolish with his money

He said "Liverpool will win so the money is already in the bank"

"But your marvellous plan only works if Milan gets through to the final"

Can you believe it PSV beats Milan 3-1 and the aggregate over the two legs is 3-3 and Milan goes through to the final on the way goals rule.

Those bastards are sniggering at me and lighting cuban cigars with 5 euro notes.

The spacebrothers have spoken.

Day 197 Anfield

2005-05-03T23:09:00.000+02:00

Liverpool beat Chelsea 1-0

Looks like it is Apocalypse Now in Instanbul, when Liverpool plays AC Milan in the final. Jussi and Uno now have 100,000 euros. They are off to celebrate with the "spacebrothers" in the forest. Apparently Roope knows where they hang out.

Roope threw in his lot with Jussi and Uno, and backed his unemployment benifit money he had been getting from KELA. He is 4790 euros richer, and he happens to know that the spacebrothers like Koskenkorva.

Day 196 Spacebrothers

2005-05-02T22:53:00.000+02:00

The spacebrothers have told Jussi that Liverpool will beat Chelsea 1-0 at Anfield. They are betting all of their winnings from the last game.

They want me to come in along with them. It is a safe bet and they can't loose. They would only get 5/2 if they said Liverpool would win but since they are predicting a 1-0 win the old will be bumped up to 10/1

So if the "spacebrothers" are right they should have 100,000 euros in the bank tomorrow night.

Now I ask you would you believe anything Jussi or Uno says. Just take a look at them. Arse hanging out of their trousers, and shoes down at the heel. That really does not put me off them. What gets me is the small specks of white spit that collects at the corners of their mouth when they talk.

"Are you in or not?" says Jussi

"I'll just check with the "spacebrothers" and see what they say, and I'll get back to you... OK?"

"Good thinking... you won't regret it."

Day 195 Loony

2005-05-02T10:35:00.000+02:00

Uno is mightily impressed by the Raving Loony Party of Great Britain, and thinks that the Finnish government should adopt some of their policies.

Economy: We will issue a 99p coin to save on change.
Education: Bright pupils will be provided with dimmer switches.
Political reform: The House of Lords will become the House of Cards, to make it easier to deal with.
Transport: All cars will be converted to run on Venos to help stop congestion.
Home Affairs: The Millennium Bridge will be made wobbly again, by building a pub at either end.
Law and Order: Anyone caught breaking the law will be made to mend it.
Immigration: Everyone wanting to come and live in the UK will be made welcome, so long as they are over the age of 85 and accompanied by both parents.
Sport: Boxing will be made obligatory for people we don’t like.
Football: All footballers will be made to wear flip-flops to make the game more interesting
Environment: All people that think that they have a right to roam will need permission from the Pope.
National Anthem: In future the National Anthem will be ‘Bring Me Sunshine’ as sung by Morecambe and Wise. It is quicker, more tuneful and people know the words.

Dat 194 Meditation

2005-05-02T10:22:00.000+02:00

Uno told me that Buhdists refuse to take any anesthetics when they go to the dentists, because they are into Transcend dental medication.

Day 193 Liverpool

2005-04-28T10:20:00.000+02:00

Uno and Jussi have just won 10,000 Euros by betting on Liverpool to draw 0-0 with Chelsea. They are all fired up. It is in the stars they say. Jussi has been receiving messages from the "space brothers" who once abducted Sami Hyypia and did an operation on him to give him super-powers.

Apparently it is in the cosmic plans of the "space bothers" that Liverpool should win the European cup and thus bring about an Armageddon of sorts in Istanbul, or Constantinople as Jussi prefers to call it.

Jussi contends that the Brits are in actual fact the ten lost tribes of Israel and that they are represented by Liverpool, who will defeat AC Milan those popish catholic Italians.

This makes perfect sence to them since they are cracked out of their skulls on Koskenvorva

Day 192 Car

2005-04-20T14:54:00.000+02:00

Uno was selling some bails of hay to a man who belonged to a well know Finnish ethnic minority who have a keen interest in horses. They were haggling over the price of the bails of hay, which we usually only sell to line rabbit hutches.

The boss of the garden centre rolls up in his new Mercedes-Benz S 500 4Matic and Uno's jaw drops at the sight of the new car. That thing would cost 5 years wages for him. How can anybody afford cars like that? Those cars had been christened "Halonen's" since only the prime minister could afford to drive one, or somebody who is obscenely rich.

The horse loving man who belonged to the Finnish ethnic minority, noticed that Uno was pop-eyed impressed at the sight of this paragon of automotive engineering, so he remarked.

"I've got one like that at home... but it has got a bigger engine."

"Stroll on John... no kidding" said the slack jawed Uno.

I don't know which is worse. People who tell lies, or those that believe lies

Day 191 Thought

2005-04-19T16:08:00.000+02:00

Hold that thought:

Without advertisements we could be happy without even knowing why.

Day 190 Apophenia

2005-04-18T10:53:00.000+02:00

Uno has come up with this scheme to get rich quick. It is all based of some story that Jussi has told him. Jussi is all about apophenia theories and he has come up with the following facts.

In 1978 - the Pope died. Wales won the Six Nations rugby internationals. Liverpool lost in the final of the League Cup to the eventual League Champions, and Liverpool went on and won the European Cup.

In 2005 - the Pope has died. Wales have won the Six Nations. Liverpool have lost in the final of the League Cup to the (certain) eventual League Champions, and so it is blindingly obvious to anyone who has an eye for historical facts, and a penchant for astrology that Liverpool will go on and win the Champions League.

Uno plans to bet his life savings on this plan, and asked me what I thought of the idea. So I told him straight.

"Knock yourself out!!!"

Day 189 Poetry

2005-04-14T22:48:00.000+02:00

Uno wanted to know about poetry. I told him it is easy to recognised a poem. All the first letters of every line is a capital.

Day 187 Art

2005-04-14T12:20:00.000+02:00

Uno disgraced himself. He went to Kiasma and pissed in an art installation that he mistook for a urinal.

Day 186 Bees

2005-04-12T10:56:00.000+02:00

Big swarm of bees landed in the back yard and were hanging like a treacle teardrop from our weeping willow tree. It was sort of scarey for the customers and Uno was asking what he should do. I gave him these options.

Poke the swarm viciously with a stick.

Supersoaker filled with petrol and a lighter.

Failing that a can of hair spray and a match should work.

Hoover them up with a vacuum cleaner.

Blast them away with a shotgun.

Day 185 Personality

2005-03-27T19:57:00.000+02:00

Uno has been to an art exhibition at Kiasma. He said he was looking for inspiration for his flower arrangements. I asked him what he thought of modern art.

"Well I totally fell in love with photographs on display, but at the same time I thought it was a crock of shit"

I think Uno has a split personality.

Day 184 Chef

2005-03-17T11:09:00.000+01:00

Uno says a chef at the Raddison hotel downtown has gone berserk. Apparently the chef has taken all the management hostage in his kitchen. I told him.

"Must be the first cook coup of Spring"

Day 183 Spring

2005-03-17T11:01:00.000+01:00

The Boss is distraught. He comes in with tears in his eyes. Says he caught his wife in bed with another man. When he was out of ear-reach I remarked to Uno.

"Must be the first cuckold of Spring"

Day 182 Testing Uno

2005-03-09T00:37:00.000+01:00

Uno comes up to me and says he can't listen to any of Peter Gabriels CD's

I say "Is that SO?"

I ask him what about movies and DVD's and he says he can't stand any of the Beatles movies.

I say "You definately need HELP"

I went off sniggering. He just stood there with a perplexed look on his face.

Day 181 Dates

2005-03-07T21:54:00.000+01:00

You know what gets me? You grow flowers and they are fine, you cut them and in a few days they are dead. But do you know what is worse than flowers? Cheese!!!

This is what I don't understand. Valio matures their black label Emental for 9 months and then when they put it on the shelves its got to be used within 7 days.

Uno would say why not mature it for 4 and a half months and then keep it in you fridge for another 4 and a half months if you want to.

Makes perfect sence to me.

Day 180 Shrinkage.

2005-03-07T19:06:00.000+01:00

We got new green T-shirt with our logo on them. Everybody has to wear one. I put mine in the wash and it shrinks 50%. Crap cotten. Indonesian or Chinese junk. I want a T-shirt to be loose and to cover my belly, and not to be up around my nipples. Uno is wearing his, it is busting at the seams and it is well up his back exposing his butt crack. Some corporate image I says to him.

"Did you wash it according to the instructions on the label?"

"Yeah!!!"

"And the T-shirt shrunk... what about the label?

"The label was fine it didn't shrink"

"Then perhaps the washing instructions were for the label."

Day 179 Phone

2005-03-01T19:16:00.000+01:00

Tired of answering the phone so I have recorded a new answer machine message. Instead of telling people they have got through to a garden centre the phone tells them they have got through to a mental health center. Here what I told them to do.

"If you have a repetative compulsive disorder press 1 repeatedly"
"If you are co-dependent get some one to press 2 for you."
"If you have a multiple personality disorder press any of the keys in a random fashion"
"If you are paranoid don't hang up we will trace the call and be right with you"
"If you are dyslexic press 69696969696"
"If you have a short term memory problem call back later."
"If you have low self-esteem we are sorry all of our operators are busy"

Day 178 Pygmy

2005-02-22T14:53:00.000+01:00

Uno tries to tell a joke.

"The Fukawe are this pygmy tribe. They live in the bush....right?"

He's forgotten this part, or maybe he never heard it properly. Is this going to be another Uno joke that just peters out?

"...somewhere in Africa" he rushes ahead, eager to get to the punch line.

"And they're so small they keep getting lost in the tall grass; it's like a jungle to them, dense like. But they have to keep moving through it anyway, because they're like nomads, or... or maybe there's another tribe out hunting them. Anyway, it doesn't matter. Thing is, you see they're always on the march through this tall grass that would only be butt-high to anybody else, but it is up over their heads. And as they go you can hear them chanting their war chant, 'We're the Fukawe, we're the Fukawe!'"

Nice one Uno.

Day 177 Richest.

2005-02-17T18:40:00.000+01:00

Thought for today:

The richest man on the earth...

is the one with the most money.

Day 176 Valentines

2005-02-16T15:05:00.000+01:00

We did something special for St Valentines day.

We trebled the price of everything.

Day 175 Hold it

2005-02-13T21:43:00.000+01:00

Got a phone call today asking for a Charlie Dimmock book.

I said "This is a incontinence clinic, can you hold a minute?"

Day 174 Avalanche

2005-02-03T23:33:00.000+01:00

Back at work and Uno tells me this increbible story. I believe him straight away. It is so unreal it has to be true. He tells me a man was traped in his car by an avalanche and he pissed his way to freedom. Apparently he it was too cold for him to dig his way out but he had 60 bottles of beer and he drunk them all then peed his way out of the avalanche.

I wish I could piss my way out of my troubles.

Day 173 Sauna

2005-02-03T23:13:00.000+01:00

It was a stupid thing to do but I did it anyway. I bought some vodka from Alko and took it with me to the swimming pool at EspoonKeskus. I drank half the bottle in the changing rooms and the rest I took into the sauna and threw it on the hot stones.

Now breathing in alcohol fumes does something funny to your chest. It tightens up like you were being strapped into an electric chair with a leather belt. The vision goes. Well more like comes and goes with every beat of your heart. It blurs in time to your pulse... a sort of slow strobe effect without the strobe lights.

It was then that I thought, I've paid my money, am going to go swimming. I didn't make it. I stumbled and fell head first into the Jacuzzi on my way to the pool.

The attendants pulled me out and called the police. I lied and told them I had had a blackout. Diabetes... low blood sugar. Nobody want to admit that they want to go drunk swimming. That would be crazy.

Day 172 Stairs

2005-01-21T11:22:00.000+01:00

Moonlight and whisky is not a good combination, especially when you launch yourself into the void on a big bit of cardboard, only to find yourself rattling down a flight of 500 steps on the far side of the hill at Malminkartano.

Imagine yourself at the Rautaruukki, Koverhar Steel Works. Imagine yourself as a piece of pig iron being beaten by a series of monsterous hydraulic jack-hammers.

When I reached the bottom of the steps you could have thrown me straight into a frying pan and cooked me rare. I was so tender.

Day 172 Hill

2005-01-20T11:23:00.000+01:00

I bought a fifth of cheap whisky and at midnight went out to climb the sledging hill at Malminkartano. It is a hill built out of rubbish, and in the winter when it is covered with snow people go sledging on it. It was deserted. I was alone.

The night was dark and clear... crisp would be the word. You could see as far as the Neste tower in Otaniemi, the water tower in Lauttasaari, the Lutheran catherdral in the town centre, and away on the opposite side of the hill the condensation from the cooling towers of the Vanta powerstation rose straight into the air. I looked at them and thought they were exclamation marks. Only the sentence that proceeded them was missing. Typical. Messages never come when you are looking for answers.

I drank down the whisky neat... straight from the bottle. A sip at a time as I looked at the stars in the cloudless sky. Light travelling from outerspace. How many years had it taken to travel all that distance for me to see on this starry starry night.

I finished off the whiskey and found a big bit of cardboard and decided to go over the edge of the steepest slope that nobody else dared to go down. The moon was full. Madness.

Day 171 Wootonga

2005-01-19T11:53:00.000+01:00

It was the name that did it. The label on the bottle said Wootonga and I just had to investigate. It was only 5 euro and it had a 19 volt kick. Wootonga, Australian sweet sherry.

It might have been fine if I had drunk it in small amounts as an after dinner tipple, but I drank the whole bottle in one go, and for some unfathomable reason decided to eat a jar of Ahti raw baltic herring in a mustard sauce to go along with it.

Logic should tell you that Australian Sweet Sherry and raw baltic herring in mustard sauce is not a good combination, but let me just say that the unusualness of the flavours, the mingling of the sweetness and the bitterness was sufficiently interesting that three-quarters of the wine was gone and the almost all of the raw herring before the nausea began to creep into my throat.

Having started a project I was loathe to give up, so operating on the principle of a "hair of the dog that bite you" I downed the remaining glass of Wootonga in one gulp and observing some onion rings and black peppercorns remaining in the raw herring jar I ate them as well.

It was when the molars crunched through the peppercorns that the projectile vomiting started, and after the stomach was empty the dry retching continued. There is nothing worse than the taste of bile in your mouth... well in actual fact there is... Wootonga and raw herring.

I should not be punishing myself like this.

Day 170 Explainations

2005-01-18T13:42:00.000+01:00

"I can't get my head around this. What you are saying is that Brita is a man who is on hormones and is about to undergo an operation to become a woman, and then get married to his girlfriend?"

"Well it was glaringly obvious to anyone. He didn't fool me for a second. I mean to say that truck drivers voice was a dead give-away"

"But I thought you fancied him when you thought he was a woman? Giving him flowers and that."

"Naw the flowers were destined for the dump anyways. Rubbish really."

"Rubbish with ribbons on... pull the other one. You're in denial"

Day 169 Close Shave

2005-01-17T20:15:00.000+01:00

I didn't shave for a few days. I had that designer stubble, and I wandered down to the hair dressers to take the flowers to Brita. I intended to drop them off and leave, but she looked at me with a mischevious look in her eye and purred.

"You could do with a shave"

I couldn't believe my luck "Yeah I suppose I do... could you do it for me?"

"Sure hop up in the chair"

I settled into the chair and she took an old fashioned shaving brush and lathered my face. It was nice to feel the bristles on my bristles. She then began to strop an open edged razor on a brown leather belt to whet the edge. Her hands were quick as a weavers and with extremely deft movements she began to shave me.

"You're very good at this"

"Oh yes I used to shave quite regularly before I had the hormone treatment. Just waiting for the operation to be scheduled, then my girlfriend and I are puting in for a same sex marriage."

Day 168 Flowers

2004-12-28T11:34:00.000+01:00

She came into the shop today and said she wanted some flowers for the hairdressers. You know to brighten up the place, make it nice for the customers.

"You know if you made that a standing order we could give you a considerable discount"

"Really? How much?"

"Well if you placed an order for some flowers everyday we could do 50% off"

"50%?" she gasped. Had I offered to little or too much?

"Well if you did it on a regular basis 75% off"

"75%?" she choked. Had I insulted her?

"Well if you had a little display card saying where you got the flowers from, then I think we could give them to you for free"

"Free?" she laughed. I knew I had hit the bullseye.

"And I could deliver them to you at the hairdressers if that is OK"

She shook her head in disbelief and gave me a smile that could have created a universe, or at least a small constellation, and with a Ferrari purr in her voice said.

"See you then"

Day 167 Hair

2004-12-28T01:35:00.000+01:00

Going through the shopping centre today I saw her. She is working in a hair dressers. She was dressed like one of those beauticians in Stockmans. White tunic, white flat soled laceup shoes, gossamer white tights.

She looked like an angel. Neat, efficient, caring. I could have sworn she was surrounded by a shining aura. She could have been a hologram, flickering back and forth, in and out of reality. A princess Leah speaking to R2D2.

She was drinking coffee from a white mug. There was a trace of lipstick on the rim. It was the colour of damson. No!!! ripe pomegranate would be nearer the truth. Her lips were glossed.

In her left breast pocket she had a stainless steel comb, and a pair of chrome plated scissors, and on her right breast pocket she had a blue black name badge to match her hair. Britta!

I have absolutely no reason for going into the hairdressers, since I don't have a hair on my head. I shave it all off regularly.

Love will find a way.

Day 166 Fool

2004-12-26T22:32:00.000+01:00

There she was again in the shop. Her fur collar was up around her ears, and her hair was full of static. Wisps and small strands of hair were making trembling electrical movements. I thought she might spark and set herself on fire.

I was facinated by this mysterious movement of her hair, and thought of coral reefs, and blue lagoons, and sea anemones wafted by an underwater current. Outside the snow was deep and it was below zero, but I was naked on a tropical island, and the sun was hot. Too hot, and my mouth was dry, and in the cold Finnish winter I felt that prickly heat in my armpits, and a trickle of sweat down my side.

It didn't register with me when she said "I'll take this red Amyrylis"

I said the first thing that came into my head. "Take it. It's yours for free"

Her lips twitched a couple on millimetres, and her nostrils flared ever so slightly. "Really?"

"Yes completely free... no strings attached.... arrrrgh... what I mean is... it's yours for free... special policy... Christmas policy... goodwill to all men.... eeehh and women... and all that... thousanth customer of the Christmas season... goodwill gesture... and we throw in a free christmas tree as well... would that be OK?"

She pouted "Well it is Boxing day and Christmas is over, and I already have a tree. You're very kind, but the Amyrylis will do just fine" she purred. Her words were like honey dripping off a wooden spoon.

I felt crushed. It was was though someone had taken a six inch stiletto heeled shoe and whacked me on the forehead with it. I wraped up the Amyrylis for her in silence, and tied it up with our best Christmas ribbon, and presented it to her, and at the same time for no reason at all, blurted out "The excellence of a gift is in its appropriateness and not in its value." As soon as I said it I wished I had had a shotgun handy to blow off my foot with both barrels.

She raised one eyebrow, took the package and moved towards the door, and with a wink said, "Bye."

I could have sworn she kissed the air as she left.

Day 165 Love

2004-12-25T19:52:00.000+01:00

There she was in the shop looking for a Star of Bethlehem. She had her back to me and I saw her face in profile. She was talking to a friend, and looking so intently into her friends eyes, that I knew she must be kind.

Her teeth were perfect. Her skin was perfect, and her hair was blueish black like a bruise. She laughed easily and laid a tender hand on her friends forearm as they shared a joke. Her voice was a melody. No that would be wrong. It was more like warm honey. If I could listen to her speak then I would be healed of all my ills.

I wanted to go and ask if I could offer assistance in anyway, and I moved behind her. I squeezed past and as I went my breath was taken away by her loveliness. The freshness of her hair, the perfume on the fur collar of her coat.

As I squeezed past, she turned and smiled at me a crooked smile. Her mouth was perfect and she had a glint and sparkle in her eyes, so beautiful that I nearly melted away. She steped to the side and said "Sorry" and I felt myself disolve.

As she moved away I closed my eyes and took a deep inward breath as though to inhale the goodness of her, and when I open them she was gone.

I am in love.

Day 164 Roses

2004-12-16T13:36:00.000+01:00

A monstrosity of a woman comes in. Her lips are as red as a mid-summer rose.

"Young man, I'm thinking of planting some roses in the spring. I am thinking of perhaps 'Lady Jane' to be precise. Would you be able to advise me if this would be a good purchase?"

"Lady Jane doesn't do well in a bed, but is fantastic up against a wall"

"Excuse me?"

"Nothing"

Day 163 Deal

2004-12-12T21:37:00.000+01:00

"5%"

"40%"

"10%"

"30%"

"15%"

"20%"

"Deal"

I wish making money was always that easy. Come in handy for Xmas presents.

DAy 162 Dealing

2004-12-12T21:22:00.000+01:00

"I just had the police on the phone." I lied

"Oh yeah... what did they want?"

"Oh nothing special. Something about stolen Xmas trees" I lied

"Yeah, and what did you tell them?

"I told them we have receipts for every Xmas tree that we sell at the centre. We do everything to the letter of the law. Everything above board."

"Receipts?"

"Yeah receipts, I just crank them out on the bosses PC. They look very official. You wouldn't be wanting some for your Xmas trees would you?"

"Depends on how much they cost"

"Not much... just 50% of your takings"

"50 friggen %... no way"

"Suit yourself" and I walked off leaving Roope to scan the horizon for the flashing blue lights and the siren.

Day 161 Persuasion

2004-12-12T20:59:00.000+01:00

I'm like hands in pockets... "Hey Roope... just wondering where you are getting all them trees from. Wholesale are they?"

and he's like backing off... "Nope."

and I'm in his face... "Making a pretty penny on them are you?"

and he's behind a tree hiding... "What's it to you?"

and I'm like hollering it out loud for everyone to hear... "Declaring tax on income?"

and he's like whispering... "What business is it of yours?"

and I'm like pop-eyed mad saying... "I could make it my business."

and he's got eyes like golfballs saying... "Oh yeah?"

I have wound him up sufficiently for the day so I let him stew.

Day 160 Fraud

2004-12-12T13:29:00.000+01:00

Those Xmas trees are moving like skitter from the arse of a chimpanzee. Roope must be making a fortune, and him leeching off the council with his rent free flat.

I think I will have a word with him. Sort of say my lips are sealed for a 20% cut of his profits.

Day 159 Xmas

2004-12-12T13:23:00.000+01:00

I have never held with selling Xmas trees, basically because it was a tradition introduced by those inbred Germans who took over the english throne. Cutting down trees for them was like cutting off heads for the French during the revolution. Pointless.

Never the less Roope is raking the money in. As fast as he gets a new batch in he sells them all. Hot shite and shovels springs once again to mind.

Day 158 Trees

2004-12-12T13:21:00.000+01:00

I don't know where Roope is getting all these Xmas trees from but they are selling. The are moving like hot shite off a shovel.

Day 157 Scam

2004-12-02T13:41:00.000+01:00

Janna is Uno's girlfriend. They deserve each other. It is a case of like attracting like.

Janna says

"If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey, and asks you to take all your clothes off, do not do it! This is a scam; they only want to see you naked. I wish I'd known this yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap now."

"Really?"

Day 156 Stink

2004-12-01T17:33:00.000+01:00

Got a letter from Roope. Here's what it said.

"Ur letturs stink, an ah don meen ur sentensez. Dem letturs pong anav a gawdawful whiff. OK! Here's wot we're gonna do like. Forget the dooling, instead yews let me an Virpi cell Xmas trees in yer yard an we'll call it quits. OK! An anuver fing wot about onuring ur faver and muvver? Eh? Seems to me u don pay any rent to ur muvver, never get de grub for de frige. So don talk to me abat onur. Har-Har-Har"

Knowing that Roope will have to steal any trees he proposes to sell, and given the fact that I hate Christmas trees, and want nothing to do with them. I agree to the deal.

Day 155 Honour

2004-11-30T21:32:00.000+01:00

I wrote Roope a letter. Here's what I said.

"Roope,
Look I admit I have made mistakes in the past, and I am sorry for all that has been said about you and Virpi. It was wrong of me to suggest that she had done a Boris Becker in the broom cupboard with Uno.

Even although until recently you have been sleeping rough in the tunnel under the West Way I wholeheartedly believe that since you have moved into a council flat your sensibilities have become so much sharper and you have become the archetypal man of honour who remains ever alert for any insult, actual or suspected, that would impugn your dignity.

I am fully aware that you have challenged me to a duel, and I would like to bring to your attention a matter of dueling ettiquette. Namely duels are fought between members of the same social class, and since you have moved up in the world, (living in a selfcontained one room apartment) and I remain so low, (living with my mother) you must realise that if you were to soil your hands on a ruffian such as myself, the mere act would stain your reputation in the eyes of decent society.

Therefore I beg of you, take pity on yourself, for if you continue to persue this reckless desire for blood letting, you will find yourself ostracized by the community, for a man of honour is also a man who exercises mercy and forgiveness"

I farted in the envelope and posted the letter to him without a stamp.

Day 154 Duel

2004-11-29T14:21:00.000+01:00

Jussi comes in he is no more edgey than usual. He always has a kind of nervousness to him. Always expecting someone to jump out at him from the shadows, or a very heavy weight to fall on him from a great height. It is because he is so steeped in conspiricy theories.

"Roope sent me around."

"Oh yeah. So?"

"He feels you have insulted him and Virpi. It is a question of honour, and he is challenging you to a duel. He has asked me to act as his second."

"Oh yeah, and what are we going to use for weapons... snowballs?"

"You have to find yourself a second and get him to come and discuss that with me. Protocol you know"

"Well friends are a bit thin on the ground at the moment, so I can't come up with a second, so you will have to tell Roope the duel is off. Protocol you know"

"It's not to the death or anything like that... first blood and then it is over, honour satisfied."

"You mean to say that at the sight of blood all the old debts are cancelled, all the wrongs I have done to Roope, all the lies and all the cheating will be forgotten?"

"Yep! and if he could scar you for life that would be a bonus. A sort of testimony that things have been sorted between you two"

"Get bent"

Day 153 Rage

2004-11-29T10:11:00.000+01:00

Roope comes storming in. He looks like he has had his nuts squeezed in a vice. He is a putrid yellow with rage. He could have been soaked in month old piss and sun-dried. He was so bitter, sour, and yellow, which was lucky, if he had been red with rage, then I know I would have been in trouble.

"So it was all lies that you told me about Virpi and Uno?"

"Yes but..."

"No buts... how could you do this?"

"It was Virpi's idea. She thought it up. Wanted to see how you would react. See if you really loved her." I lied.

"What? I cant believe my ears here."

"Check it out. She won't admit it, but honest, between you and me, it was her idea."

Roope leaves with his eyes crossed, looking like he had been hit on the back of the head with a baseball bat. He had a stooped forward "I'm gonna get you" look on his face.

It is better that they argue with each other, rather than with me.

Day 152 Liar

2004-11-26T11:44:00.000+01:00

For some reason I was pissed off at Roope. Maybe it was because the council had given him an appartment and was paying his rent. Him who has never done an honest days work in his life is no longer sleeping in a tunnel under the WestWay, but instead is warm and comfy in a one room apartment. So to make him feel less comfortable I told him Virpi was having an affair with Uno.

Virpi comes storming into the centre and her tits are on fire.

"You're a goddamned liar"

"No I'm not"

"Yes you are"

"No I'm not"

"Yes you are"

I relent. This conversation is going nowhere.

"Yes I am"

"What?"

"I'm a goddamned liar"

"So you admit it?

"Yes. I lie all the time. I lie for my own safety. I lie to make other people miserable. I blame other people for things they didn't do. I blame other people for the wrong things I do. I lie to keep secrets. I cover up things that I don't want other people to know, with a veil of lies. I lie when I get drunk cos that's what you do. Because life is boring I lie to spice things up. I lie because it makes me feel alive. Lying keeps me on my toes. Lying keeps my mind active. Lying exercises my memory. To be a good liar you need to have an exceptional memory to remember all the untruths you have told.

Virpi interupts. "But what about truth? What about trust? What about respect?"

"Yeah I suppose I can see your point" I lied.

Day 151 Sneeze

2004-11-26T10:27:00.000+01:00

No matter how accurate your aim, and even with the best intention in the world, if you sneeze while you are having a slash, you are going to spray the floor.

Women will never be able to understand this.

Day 150 Queues

2004-11-24T10:38:00.000+01:00

I have a hangover. I want to make people feel as bad as I do. There is nothing worse than standing in a queue that is not moving, so I get behind the counter.

A fat blonde with bright red lipstick steps up to the counter with an amaryllis and smiles at me. I ignore her. Her makeup and mascara will run before she gets served.

A couple of kids, hot in winter suits joins the queue behind her. I give them a John Wayne salute, and a smile, then pretend to be looking for something under the counter. I am going to make them sweat.

A thin stick of a man with a couple of small iciles hanging from his moustache gets behind the kids. He is struggling to hold a slippery 20kg bag of peat. That bag is going to get heavier. I find a ball of string that has been unravelled and I stand and look at the growing queue and begin to wind the loose end of the string up into a ball. I whistle while I work.

A fat porker in a bomber jacket joins the back of the queue. He is hopping from foot to foot. Fit to fart, or pressured for a pish. He will have to exert extreme bladder and sphincter control, because this queue is not moving. I pick up a pile of receipts and begin to feed numbers into a calculator. I ignore the lot of them.

"Excuse me could we have some service?" says the porker at the back of the queue.

"What?" I say pretending I haven't heard him.

He shifts his weight from one leg to the other. I guess he is trying not to fart. Not in a public place, and especially not in a queue.

"I said..." and he leans forward and lets one rip, "Can we have some service?"

Everyboby turns around and looks at him. He gets embarrassed. When somebody is dangling on a hook like that you don't let them off easy. So I said.

"Did you just make that monsterous fart? That god awful smell that's polluting the shop and causing the plants to wilt?"

"Never mind who did what... how about some service?

"Sorry mate, no can do"

"What do you mean, no can do"

"The till"

"The till, what's wrong with the till"

"Nothing... it's just that I am not allowed to use it. Boss doesn't trust me because of my criminal record"

"Well get someone who can operate the till"

"Ok Ok, keep your shirt on"

I go off to the coffee room and pour myself a coffee and sit down and read the newspaper. Outside the queue gets longer. Uno comes in and I say to him.

"Go out and serve the customers at the till"

"But you know I don't do maths, and the boss wont let me on the till"

"Just get out there and serve the customers until that queue is finnished"

Uno slouches out to the counter to serve the customers.

I feel better already.

Day 149 Crotch

2004-11-20T10:55:00.000+01:00

It is skateboys last day. I am glad he has done his time. I couldn't have taken one more day of him walking around grabbing his crotch. I said to him

"Why do you keep on grabbing your crotch"

"Waddja mean grabbing my crotch, I dondoda" he said grabbing his crotch

"You just did. Right there in front of me. You grabbed your crotch"

"Me? grab my crotch, no freaking way man"

I think his yeast infection is playing up, either that or he has been watching too many Eminem videos. A whole generation of young men are growing up grabbing their crotch. What is the world coming to? Nobody puts their hand down the top of their trousers any more.

Day 148 Conflict.

2004-11-19T21:54:00.000+01:00

The boss was taking a dig at me for taking time off work yesterday. He gave me a right hosing down in front of Uno. Uno didn't say a word in my defence. Didn't even mention it was my birthday. So after the boss left, I hit him with my aphorism.

"In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."

He just blinked, and I realised I had wasted it on him. Uno never speaks very much anyways.

So much for Martin Luther King Jr.

Day 147 Birthday

2004-11-19T21:50:00.000+01:00

It is my birthday today. I decided not to go into work. I stayed at home and looked up aphorisms on the internet. I found one that I like. I will have to look out for suitable situations where I can say it, and claim it as my own.

Day 146 Gladioli

2004-11-19T21:41:00.000+01:00

I have never been able to handle, or touch, far less look at Gladioli, since that singer Morrissey had some hanging out the back pocket of his jeans at some concert of his.

It gives me the shudders just to imagine it.

Day 145 Music

2004-11-05T01:13:00.000+01:00

The skateboy gives me a Westside salute palms down. I ignore him.

"Did you see that Eminem Mosh video? I mean he is out there man, motivating the youth, getting them to the polls, keeping it real, then there was all them old rockers against Bush, like Bruce Whatyoumacallum, and Jackson Whatever.

He grabs the crotch of his trousers and gives it a yank. Why the crotch has to be down around his knees I don't know

"MTV should have kicked ass and got the job done for Kerry, but no, it is the Country Singers that swing it for Bush. Did you see that map, of who won, what state. It was just a big swatch of red through the heartland, where them red-necks and bible-bashers listen to Dolly Parton, and Earle Scruggs"

He flips his baseball cap to the side so the peak is over his left ear.

"Can you believe it? Country music got George Bush elected"

I can believe it an it makes me glad, since it pisses Skateboy off.

Day 144 Skateboy.

2004-11-03T10:38:00.000+01:00

So we cut a deal. A deal that was not good for us, and a deal that was not good for him. We don't want him working for us, and he doesn't want to work for us. The deal is called community service, but the law and the lawyers are satisfied, and if you can keep the law and lawyers out of your life then things are so much easier. So much better.

So we are willing to have skateboy work at the centre for a week, just so we don't have to have another conversation with a lawyer.

It is the lesser of two evils.

Day 143 Infection

2004-11-01T13:41:00.000+01:00

"Our client has been in contact with a specialist at the STD centre in Espoo and they are of the opinion that the combination of fungal and yeast infection could only have come from an over-ripe pumpkin"

"What?"

"Furthermore we will be taking legal action against your company on two counts, namely the slanderous accusations that have been made against our client regarding his aformentioned assignation with a pumpkin on your establishment"

"Hold on a second"

"And we will be exacting maximum claims for damages, since our client has suffered ridicule and scorn over this pumpkin incident, and we will also claim for full medical expenses for the ongoing treatment of his fungal/yeast infection."

"Let me get this clear. He screws a pumpkin, gets infected, and everybody laughs at him, and he wants to sue us?"

"Precisely"

"Dream on"

"However my client is of the opinion that if all charges are droped agaist him regarding criminal damage, then he would be willing to forget the whole matter. We would strongly advise you that the adverse publicity generated by this case, if it is taken to court, would serverely have a negative impact on the sales of plants from you emporium, and I am sure you would wish to avoid any circumstances that would lead to the damage of your reputation as a high class garden centre selling quality produce"

That's what you get. First you bring in halloween from America, and the next thing you know you have opened the door for American style lawyers. They speak so fine but they don't make much sense.

Day 142 Charges

2004-10-30T11:57:00.000+02:00

Got a call from the police station.

"Do you want to press charges for criminal damage of those pumpkins?"

"What do you mean? Do I have to give statements, or go to court, or appear as a witness, or identify the skaters at a lineup?"

"Well if the due process of the law has to be followed then yes it would involve some of those things"

I thought for a moment. Do I really want to get involved with punks who don't tie their shoes laces, and don't have enough sense to buy trousers that fit them properly at the crotch. Punks who are perpared to walk around with the arse of their trousers at their knees, and hip pockets at their ankles. Punks who wear wooly hats indoors, and have goatee beards that look as though they have black licorice spittle running down their chins. No way, so I said.

"Couldn't I just hit them a couple of times with a baseball bat?"

"I'm afraid Sir we could not condone that. It is not for citezens to take the law into their own hands"

"Forget it then "

Day 141 Pumpkins

2004-10-28T23:33:00.000+02:00

It was getting dark and a skater boy was down among the pumpkins out back. He was doing something wrong with that pumpkin. Not practicing any skateboard moves I can tell you. There was some serious trouser snake action going on.

I called the cops.

They arrive and caught him red handed on the job.

"Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are doing unspeakable things to that pumpkin?"

He was startled at first, but he just hitched up his baggy pants and looked at the cop and said

"A pumpkin? Damn, is it midnight already?"

Day 140 Ghosts

2004-10-26T23:47:00.000+02:00

Couple of kids came into the store dressed up as ghosts.

"Can we buy a couple of pumpkins?"

"No, we don't sell pumpkins to ghosts"

The sniggered happily "But we are not ghosts really"

"Then why are you dressed up as ghosts?

"Halloween"

"Tell you what, the pumpkins are for free if you can tell me why you dress up as ghosts on Halloween"

"Cos it's fun"

"So you are fun ghosts huh!"

"Naw, we're scarry ghosts, and we frighten people"

"Well you don't frighten me, so beat it"

They left the shop crying since I had not joined in their stupid game.

A prune faced old spinster who had been listening in said

"That was a bit harsh. They were only little kids having a bit fun"

and I said to her.

"And you can take that halloween mask off was well"

"But I am not wearing a mask"

"You could have fooled me"

Day 139 Darkness

2004-10-25T08:56:00.000+02:00

Why are those clouds so dark and sneering, Blotting out the sun. The flowers on the clemitis are straining to open. Their lower leaves are turning yellow. Everything is going to sleep. Closing down. Shutting up shop.

In desperation we will stock piles of pumpkins for halloween. Now there is a festival of death. All saints day, all hells day more like it. It is as if human kind realises that winter will soon be apon us and wants one last fling to celebrate life.

The children dress as witches and skeletons and believe that the lost souls who haunt the night air would not want to come and possess them... but darkness attracts darkness.

This halloween I will dress as an angel.

Day 138 Frost

2004-10-22T19:38:00.000+02:00

What do you do in a garden centre when the winter comes along. When the branches of the weeping birch hang heavy with rain. When the mornings combine frost and fog, and the sun creeps along the horizon, blinking it's sleepy eyes and nodding its weary head.

The birds use all of their energies to move away. Swans wait for their young to strenthen their wings. They lift their necks high and beat the air with practise strokes, as if to say we must be on our way.

Squirrels hunch forward and bring their forepaws up to their face as though to wipe away a tear. Flowers decay and keel over.

A dusting of frost stands at attention on benches and fences, each crystal erect and defiant. Soon the gates will be closing, and the sales of plants will shrivel, and become as hard and tight as the heart of a witch in winter.

Day 137 Hepatotoxins

2004-10-21T17:55:00.000+02:00

"My liver... it must be damaged by all the alcohol I have been drinking. I wonder if that green gunk you gave me yesterday has anything to do with it?"

"Look if you have got any complaints with the water quality of the water from the pond out back, then I would take it up with Charlie Dimmock. There might have been a bit of blue green algea in there but what the hell, but we are not talking major hepatotoxins here are we? Or neurotoxins for that matter."

Personally I am a bit worried about that nervous tick Jussi have developed on his cheek underneath his left eye

Ref: Cyanobacteria and toxins

Day 136 Fish

2004-10-21T17:51:00.000+02:00

"Listeria..."

"Relax Jussi, how about some lovely smetana with onion to go along with this beautiful salmon roe. See how it shines golden in the sunlight"

Ref: Listeria and fish

Day 135 Ergot

2004-10-21T17:45:00.000+02:00

"Have you ever heard of ergot poisoning?"

"Can't say's I have Jussi... would you like some rye bread?"

Ref: ergot and rye

Day 134 Peanut

2004-10-21T17:34:00.000+02:00

"Did I tell you about aflatoxins?"

"No Jussi... have a peanut"

Ref: Aflatoxins and peanut butter

Day 133 Colon

2004-10-19T23:04:00.000+02:00

"It's the period of time that you keep the stuff inside you. I mean to say it is waste after all, and it should not be in there for very long. Eleven days is too long don't you think? That's where you get cancer of the colon. It is worrying, and junk food just makes it worse, cos there is no roughage. It's like flushing babies nappies down the bog. The tubes are going to get blocked. There is going to be a stink, and trouble."

"Look Jussi this is a garden centre. Well sell flowers. We are not doctors. Even though your bowel movements are of tremendous interest to you, frankly we are finding these conversations tedious. Boring to the degree, that listening to you and your intestinal disturbances borders on a near death experiance."

"But!!!"

"No buts. Drop it"

"But!!!"

"Look!! no hard feeling mate. Let's go out for a burger after work. What do you say?"

Day 132 Calories

2004-10-17T22:06:00.000+02:00

"Do you realy think it is important to have a balance diet?"

"Here's what I think...

Negative calories - lose weight while you eat!
What a promise divine - what a sugary treat.
Pudding and pies - beans and peas
Buy anything - just eat what you please

Salt and ice-cream - belly fat pork
There is no difference - between butter or Stork.
Now there is a promise - you just can't beat.
Negative calories - lose weight while you eat!

Triple quarter pounder -where does it stop
Eat what you like - if it's got lettuce on top
Blubber and skin - and fast frozen meat
Negative calories - lose weight while you eat!

The more you eat - the more weight you loose
Buy what you want - no need to choose
Mix yoghut and garlic - they'll go down a treat
Negative calories - lose weight while you eat!

Make your body - a fat burning machine!
Drink olive oil - it's exceptionally clean
Dress your salad - with hard skin from your feet
Negative calories - lose weight while you eat!

You don't need to fast - you don't need to pray
Just double your intake of food everyday.
No charts to offend - no weightwatchers to cheat
Negative calories - lose weight while you eat!

Flatten your stomach - get rid of the flab
Eat oysters and whelks - and fine Cromer crab
Just keep on eating - never admit to defeat
Negative calories - lose weight while you eat!

Just be amazed - watch the pounds disappear
For breakfast drink - a six pack of beer
Just don't mix protein - along with your wheat
Negative calories - lose weight while you eat!

Speed eat your food - and make your pulse race.
Use lots of energy - getting food to your face.
Your heart must pound - with a rhythmical beat
Negative calories - lose weight while you eat!"

"Are you saying that with some foods, you burn up more calories just digesting them, than what you get from eating them?"

"No"

Day 131 FastFood

2004-10-12T15:58:00.000+02:00

"Do you get much roughage?" says Jussi

"Enough"

"Do you know anything about average throughput time"

"No! and if I know where this is leading I don't think I want to know"

"Well in Africa some tribes they eat lots of veg and get lots of roughage. They got them to eat a dye along with their food and then timed the average throughput time. It was fast. Faster than anything in the West, and alot lot faster than people who eat fast foods."

"So what you are telling me is that if you eat fast foods then your your average throughput time it long?

"Yeah we are talking big time walnut in the nylon sock constipation"

"So?"

"Well I have been eating rye bread, and taking linseed seeds with my acidofilus yoghurt, and drinking 3 litres of water a day, and you wouldn't guess what my average throughput time is"

"Tell me"

"Ten days and nothing has happened. I think something is wrong with my system"

"Tough shit man"

Day 130 Poo

2004-10-12T15:29:00.000+02:00

"Working in a garden centre you must have to handle a lot of different sorts of poo."

"So?"

"Like chicken and horse and the like"

Jussi slides up to me and out of the corner of his mouth says in a discreet whisper

"What do you think of your own poo?"

"Nothing. I do it and flush it. End of story"

"Did you see that movie about the madness of King George?"

"No"

"Well the doctors were always looking at his poo and his wee-wee"

"Were they perverts or something?"

"No! now we know he had a condition called porphyria variegata. That is why he was having hallucinations, and doing all sorts of crazy things, like loosing America. They reckon that that Vincent van Gogh suffered from attacks of acute intermittent porphyria, made worse by malnutrition and absinthe abuse. "

"Yeah! drinking that stuff turned Toulouse Lautrec into a stunted dwarf."

"Some people claim that vampire stories are associated with porphyria The disease disrupts the production of heme. People with porphyria can be so sensitive to sunlight. It causes them to be nocturnal and avoid all light. People with porphyria can also have red eyes and teeth, resulting from buildup of red heme intermediates. That is the stuff of legends"

"So?"

"Well do you think a persons well being can be determined from looking at their poo?"

"You mean, is it is as slick as a bobby's baton, or like a nylon sock filled with walnuts?"

Jussi's eyes brighten up since I have obviously been describing some of his efforts on the throne.

"Yeah! You've got it. Precisely"

"Well to paraphrase Clark Gable in "Gone with the Wind" `Frankly my dear I don't give a shit`"

Day 129 Memory

2004-10-06T23:14:00.000+02:00

Virpi is all excited. She does this thing with her face when she is trying to get an idea out of her head. Sort of closes her eyelids and flutters her eyelashes as though she were having an icecream head-ache. At the same time she sucks her cheeks in as though she had bitten into something sour.

"It's called ground zero"

"What is?"

"This new radical technique for erasing bad memories. You see most of the junk in our heads is excess bagage. Like a locker room at the station. Filled with rubbish no-one will collect. Totally unneccessary"

"So?"

"Well you get a completely clean slate. Tabla Rasa. It completely clears your mind"

She struggled the eyelashes flickered and the mouth puckered.

"Doesn't that sound good?"

I pretended I had not been listening.

"Sorry what did you say? I wasn't really listening. I seem to have forgotten what we were talking about."

Day 128 Joke

2004-10-05T21:36:00.000+02:00

"Do you want to hear a joke?"

"Not really Uno. I have no time for fooling around"

"It's really funny. You'll like it. It will make you laugh"

"OK go ahead then"

"Well there was this red-head... no wait a minute, there was this blonde with really long hair... no she had short hair, really short hair, and anyway she got what do you call it, that thing where their bellies grow big like a balloon, but not like a balloon exactly, not filled with air or anything, but you know that balloonish type shape, but not the colour of a balloon either, because a big blue belly would be stupid, wouldn't it?"

"So?"

"Well she's got this condition see, and she goes to her girlfriends who's a brunette, well not really a brunette, she's a blonde as well but she's had her hair dyed green, but it all went horribly wrong, and she is thinking of suing the hairdresser"

"So she's pregnant?"

"Yeah that was the word I was looking for, couldn't remember it for the life of me. Sometimes my brain is like a pack of rats in a bag. What did you say that word was again?"

"Pregnant!!"

"Yeah she was prefernent and she turns and says to her mate. She says to her mate." Uno looks confused "Wait, just hold on a mo' it is coming to me. Right on the tip of my tongue. She says to her mate. She turns to her mate and says"

"Do you think it's mine"

"Yeah that's it. Good joke eh?"

"Brilliant!"

"Glad you liked it... see I told you, you would like it"

Day 127 Standards

2004-10-05T21:22:00.000+02:00

"So how is Uno?"

"Works well when under constant supervision and when cornered like a rat in a trap."

"Yes but does he hold his own"

"Are you saying what I think you are saying?"

"I mean is his work adequate?"

"He has delusions of adequacy. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

"But does he get on with the other workers?"

"He would argue with a signpost. He has a knack for making strangers with everyone immediately. He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

"When I have talked to him he seems OK"

"If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the one doing the talking."

"But do you think he is teachable?"

"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargles. All in all it's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg."

I always put in a good word for Uno when he is up for promotion.

Day 126 J-Lo

2004-10-05T20:35:00.000+02:00

And she's like "Whatever!!!"

And I'm like "You what?"

And she goes "In your dreams mate"

And I'm cool with that like "No big deal"

And she flips out "Knock yourself out then"

And I'm like "Uh Huh?"

So she snorts "Go twist your knickers"

And I laugh like "I'm butt naked right?"

And she's like "Impress me, dog's breath"

And I'm like "Whoa there... no need to get personal"

So she goes "RatBoy"

And that's it. I've had it with her up to here, and I say

"Your bum does look big in that"

Then there is this long silence. The feeling that I have overstepped the line. Entered into some territory that should never be mentioned. Just an ackward silence hanging in the air. She rushed out in tears. As she went, as some slim consolation I shouted after her.

"J-Lo has a big butt too"

She was gone and didn't stop to listen.

Day 125 Kafka

2004-10-05T18:25:00.000+02:00

The twin set tweedie with the astrakahn collar minces up to the counter and sniffs.

"Your deportment young man leaves a lot to be desired"

"So?"

"Your slovenly appearence is upsetting to the patrons of this garden centre"

"Yeah!"

"You will soon be turning this emporium into something that resembles the grubby little dives that you no doubt inhabit, bars where you can drink cheap blended whisky, and bad imported extra strength lager, and the conversations are more about football than Kafka"

"Kafka!!! Was he the mid-fielder from Sparta Prague who tried to sign for Celtic but couldn't get a work permit?"

Day 124 Fishy

2004-10-05T18:18:00.000+02:00

"I am looking for fish"

"Japanese Koi?"

"I'm not sure"

"Butterfly Koi?"

"You know the Feng shui fish."

"Nishikigoi Koi?"

"The kind that absorb negative energy"

"Tategoi Koi?"

"I don't know!!! What kind of fish do you have?"

"We don't sell fish"

Day 123 TV

2004-09-26T10:44:00.000+02:00

"It's been one week since we got to see. Cheatin' lovers and cousins that marry. Five days since they had the show, with the hermaphrodite, the slut and the crack ho. Three days since we heard the tale, about the guy who learned his woman was a she-male. Yesterday it occurred to me, that I've been watchin' a bit too much Jerry Springer. Holy cow, d'you see it last week? Well, they had this one freak, who sucker-punched his whole family. Do you recall when the brawl... became a total free-for-all? And Jerry's in the middle tryin' to be the referee. Hey, see the stripper with the implants? She likes to lap dance, and date the boyfriend of her mother. Now here comes Jerry's next guest, and it's a slugfest, 'cause it's her trailer trash brother. Nymphomaniac is back on crack. It's like "When Animals Attack". They all exhibit reprehensible behavior. Hit 'em in the nose, tear off their clothes. Step on their toes, that's how it goes. They get so violent they have to sign a waiver. They're always swearin', cursin', kickin' butt and pointin' blame, on the air? They don't care, they got no shame. There was one guy who I'm sure felt a little strange, when he found out that his wife had a sex change.They have a tendency to scream and yell constantly. They have a history of ripping off their shirts. It's been one week since they had the fight,with the Siamese twins and the transvestite. Five days since that awful brawl. They still haven't got the blood off the wall. It's been three days since the bitter feud, between the KKK and that gay Jewish black dude. Yesterday, finally dawned on me, I'm spendin' way too much time on that Jerry Springer.

male Springer guest: Baby, I've been sleepin' with your sister.
female Springer guest: Oh yeah, which one?
male Springer guest: All of 'em.
female Springer guest: Ah, well, I've been sleepin' with your best friend Jake.
male Springer guest: Yeah? W-Well, me too! And, I've been sleepin' with your dog Woofie!
female Springer guest: Woofie, you b*tch! Well I'm also sleepin' with your pet goat!
male Springer guest: That goat doesn't belong to you!

Once you start watchin', there's just no stoppin'. Your brain shuts down, then your IQ's droppin'. Jerry's the king of confrontation. He's a sensation. He puts the 'sin' in syndication. It's totally worthless, like a bad check. It's like a train wreck. Don't wanna stare, but you can't look away. Like Sally Jesse he does talk shows, but with more weirdos. The ratings jumping higher every day. If you've seen the show, well then you know. It's just as low as you can go. The guests are tacky and they're lacking in their hygiene, and pretty soon some ugly goon, comes in the room and then it's BOOM, in the face of some unsuspecting drag queen. Well, it's the kind of show where people scream obscenities. Yankin' hair, throwin' chairs at their hubbies. "Jerry! Jerry!" Now the crowd starts their favorite chant. Should I turn off my TV? I just can't, I have a tendency to watch it religiously. I have a history of taping each one. It's been one week since the show about psycho killers with problems they should work out. Five days since the big surprise, when some loser's wife said that she's still dating twenty guys. Three days since he interviewed a bunch of psychic porn star midgets who were all nude. Yesterday, it occurred to me that I've been watchin' a bit too much Jerry Springer. Tired of wastin' my time on that Jerry Springer. I've got way too much class to watch Jerry Springer.

Yeah Uno are you asleep again? Come over here and pull on my finger"

Day 122 Monty

2004-09-26T01:34:00.000+02:00

"Monty Don he's the man. Much better than Tichfart. Tichfart had Dimmock, but Monty Don has got Rachel de Thame. She is a babe. What is best, breasts or thighs. Give me thighs everytime. Dimmock could be a bricklayers mate. She is good at lifting flagstones, and swinging her tits. She is ginger as well. Rachel was a ballet dancer and a model. There is no competition. Rachel wears gloves to garden. How cool is that? Monty gets depressed. You have to respect gardeners who get depressed. When he talks his brow wrinkles, as though he was fighting away bad memories of the black dog that haunts him. That hellhound on his trail. He keeps it real, not like that punk gardener Chris Collins with that mock cockney accent. Not those wooses Gorden and Guy, with bowties and tweed jackets who have never had a crumb of dirt under their nails, and are to busy sniffing each others Givenchy Xeryus. The curious gardeners indeed... get bent. Not sharks fin Irish Gavin and that twit of a sidekick with long shirt sleeves Lawrence. Not that jackass in a helicopter who makes people dig up their backgardens and impliment his stupid plans, while he swans around in that oversized egg-beater. Not Carol Klein because of her ginger hair, buck teeth, and offensive earings. Not Kim Wilde cos her dad was Marty Wilde, the UK Elvis. Get real there was only one Elvis. Not that inane twittering from Tichfart, who always looks on the bright side of life. Hey Uno am I boring you?"

He was sleeping. That is what always happens. You get in the flow and nobody is listening.

Day 121 Future

2004-09-25T23:45:00.000+02:00

I am bored. I decided to read Piggy her horoscope.

"What's your sign?"

"Libra"

"Mnnn... what do you think of this. Children may play a significant role in your life today. Get involved in something that will help others. This will bring you acclaim for your kindness.

She had this dumstruck look on her face, as though she had had a visitation from an angel in heaven. Her eyes had that religious glow to them. Sort of watery and soft

"That's incredible!!! I don't believe it!!!
How could it be so accurate!!! Let me see that!!!"

I tossed her the newspaper, in a dismissive sort of way.

"Here you are. Pity it is last weeks newspaper"

Day 120 LilY

2004-09-25T17:14:00.000+02:00

The boss wants me to order Canna lilies. He is off his nut. The nights are geting frosty, and they will die as soon as they arrive.

"Do it" he says and gives me a number to call

I call the number and a sweet woman's voice says

If you want to enquire about shipments press 1
If you to query a bill press 2
If you want to open an account press 3
If you want to place an order press 4
If you would like to talk to a sales person press 5

I press 4

I am sorry but at the moment this number is not accepting orders
Please dial the following number.

I dial the new number and I get the same message but with a man's voice this time

If you want to enquire about shipments press 1
If you to query a bill press 2
If you want to open an account press 3
If you want to place an order press 4
If you would like to talk to a sales person press 5

I press 4 and I get the message

I am sorry but at the moment this number is not accepting orders
Please dial the following number.

The number was the same as the first one that I dialed

I hate Nigerian scam merchants who set up premium line services

Day 119 Hildegard

2004-09-25T17:01:00.000+02:00

Jussi dropped in to give me a CD called Visions.

"Music by Hildegard von Bingen"

"German post modern punk band is it?"

"No!"

"Have they been on Top of the Pops recently?"

"This is music from the 13th century"

"Didn't know they had recording equipment back then"

He gave the CD to me and left.

I chucked it straight in the rubbish bin.

Day 118 Lip-Studs

2004-09-25T16:53:00.000+02:00

I wore five clip on studs on my bottom lip today.

One of my customers, a bat faced, rolly poly, tub of lard, in a coat with an astrakhan collar, took a look at me and sniffed,

“I don’t think that those studs are appropriate. Does the owner know?”

“Lady! I am the owner” I lied

Day 117 pumps

2004-09-25T16:45:00.000+02:00

“I can’t find a pump for a water lily pond”

“So?”

“Could you tell me where they're at?”

“They're out in a bin at the back.”

He goes out then comes back.

“They are all broken! Smashed to bits?”

“Should be. I did use a hammer.”

You can't trust customers. They say they want a pump for a water lily pond and the next thing you know they are building a water feature according to Charlie Dimmock. You can't be too careful

Day 116 Rawks

2004-09-25T16:34:00.000+02:00

I have proof positive that Charlie Dimmock is evil.

We have a pile of rocks out the back, for customers who want to build water features

The stupid Charlie stones and Dimmock rocks, are piled high so that anyboby who tried to lift them gets a hernia. I don't want nobody building water features

Well these skater boys were riding the rails out back and one of them does a loop, and his board lands squarely on the top of a stupid rock that looks like a phallic symol, and it snapped in half.

The skateboarder comes in and he says

"That was a two-hundred Euro board, man! Who's gonna pay for it? Yuh?

"Send the bill to Charlie Dimmock" I say

Day 115 Headache

2004-09-24T22:48:00.000+02:00

"You got euphorbia"

"Nope we don't have euphorbia"

"You got pansies"

"Nope we aint got no pansies

"You got lilies"

"No aint got no lilies"

"You got phlox"

"Nope we don't do phlox"

"You got bear's breaches"

"Hold on a minute I will go and check. Nope we don't have no bear's breaches"

"What do you do"

"That's for me to know and for you to find out. What do you think we are around here, an encyclopdia, an internet search engine, the British library, a repository of folklore and oral traditions. If you want to know something then read the labels"

Some customers have got too many questions. It is not good for their health or brain to be wanting to know so much stuff. They give me a headache with all that stuff.

Day 114 Curse

2004-09-20T06:39:00.000+02:00

Uno came in today with bandaid on his ears and nose. All he would says was

"Somebody hanked my chain"

Jussi is terrified. He thinks it is the visitation of a curse.

Day 113 Rachel

2004-09-19T19:28:00.000+02:00

Uno has decided to kept it simple with the face studs. So he has gone for a single nose ring, and attached to it are 20cm silver chains looping down the sides of his cheeks and attached to his earlobes. To every sixth loop in the chain he has knoted and attached a peice of red string, which he says he got by cutting up a Red Rachel Kabbalist's braclet.

Jussi was worried.

"I get bad vibes man from cutting up a Red Rachel bracelet. Like prayers have been said over that, and if like you cut it up, its bound to be bad for you"

"What you mean like the Five-Point Palm - exploding heart technique in Kill Bill... walk five steps then you are dead?"

"Yeah!!!"

"Or the THE FIVE POINTS OF FELLOWSHIP grip used by the masons that will give you a heart attack once you have done it 5 times?"

"Are you serious?" said Jussi looking worried

"Nah!!! only joking"

Jussi then went to Uno and gave him the five points of fellowship grip just to test the theory, then walked out the centre in a relaxed mood.

Day 112 Piss

2004-09-19T11:09:00.000+02:00

"The good thing about sinks is that they don't have any seats to lift up"

"And they are at such a convenient level"

"Yeah!!! if you shoot for the pan, the one eyed trousers snake, more often than not, speaks with a forked tongue, and it gets everywhere"

"But with the sink being so close, and especially if you have a bellyful of beer, then there is the great danger of spashback, so you have to have increbible sphincter control"

Janna came charging out of the toilet

"Uno have you been pissing in the sink again???"

Both Uno and I jumped to our feet, and in unison with an outraged voice, and a perplexed hurt look on our faces, cried out in anguish.

"No!!! how could you think such a thing?"

Uno may be stupid, but in some things you have to show solidarity with the brothers.

Day 111 Acupuncture

2004-09-17T16:44:00.000+02:00

"I'm going to have my face barry'ed up"

"You what?"

"You know. A high performance face. Finely tuned with studs"

"You mean peircings?"

"No!!! peircing is for punks. I mean acupuncture studs to promote my well being. Strategically placed at high energy zonal nodes to revitalise me"

"So?"

"Stainless steel rings in the earlobes. Silver barbells on the eyebrows. Antique gothic ring in the nose. A row of silver studs on my bottom lip. A diamond pin in my tongue. What do you think?"

"You will have a hell of a time getting through the metal detectors at the airport"