Day 210 F Orf

They are playing more Waltzes. It is doing my nut in. Some old hag comes up to me an twitters about how lovey the music is, and how the plants must love it.

She asks me what is the music that is playing.

I say Carmina Burana by Carl Orf, and I recomend that she gets it for her plants.

She says she will

Day 209 Waltzes

Ambiance is what we need to improve the garden centre, so Uno has been busy setting up some loud speakers amongst the greenary. We are to have pipe music in the greenhouse to create the correct atmosphere for people browsing for plants. The boss want to go with Strauss and viennese waltzes, sort of 2001 Space Oddessy.

I expect he wants us to open the till in slow motion, and dock the cash into the register with an exaggerated flourish. It is OK for the customers cos they pop in and pop out, but for me who has to be here all day I fear all this classical stuff is going to turn my brain to train oil.

Day 208 Book

Surprise Surprise, Uno's father has just finished his first book.

He is thinking about reading another one.

Day 207 Grandmother

So your grandmother died?

Yeah it was very peaceful. She just sat down in the chair and closed her eyes and she was gone.

So it was really peaceful?

Not really. It scared the hell out of the dentist.

Day 206 Three things

Today I learnt three things.

• If you get a chance... then do a pee
• Never trust a fart
• If you get an erection use it.

These are the things you learn when you get older.

Day 205 Truth

"Jussi has run off with the money and abandoned you"

"No he hasn't, he said he will be back"

"So did Arnold Swarchenegger. You just don't get it do you?"

"Get what?"

"That Sami wore a number 04 shirt instead of a 05. That the score was not nil-nil at full time"

"So? we still won half a million euros"

"And Jussi has run off with it so you have got nothing, zilch, nada, nola, zero, you have lost all of your savings, and you are believing all this rubbish about spacebrothers, and secret codes, and mysterious messages, and signs and wonders. The only signs and wonders that you have see is that Jussi has signed for a 500,000 euro cheque and you are left to wonder where the money has gone."

Day 204 Ots

"I was just thinking that Jussi's surname was Ots. Same as the famous Estonian singer George Ots, and Ots, near as damn it, sounds similar to Oates, Captain Oates who was a member of Captain Robert Falcon Scott's ill-fated expedition to the South Pole in 1911-12, and Oates famous last words were:

"I am just going outside, and may be some time."

So don't you see in the cosmic scheme of things, Jussi just had to disappear with the money, to give us all a chance. Just like Oates, Jussi disappeared and walked off willingly to an unknown fate, in order that we might have a better chance to live."

I think Uno is in serious denial.

Day 203 DuDuDuDuDuDudek

So I asked Uno what Jussi had been saying before he disappeared with the money and Uno said,

"Did you see how Dudek shimmered on the goal line like old Bruce Grobbelaar, legs like jelly, waving arms about, setting up interference patterns. It was a dance from the past, from the final at the Olimpico [in Rome] on 30 May 1984, when Roma just melted away during the penalty shoot out, mesmerised by the wobbly legs of the goalkeeper.

It was a reenactment, a reincarnation, a release of the collective consciousness, a calling up of old demons, a stab at the psyche of the Italians, a voodoo charm, a mojo man rub, a snakeoil annointing, a wootonga song, a Marvin Pontiac solo. In two words "powerful medicine".

But besides all that Jussi told me that Dudek was sending him semiphore signals with those strange hand movements, and the message Dudek was sending was:

Going up now may not be back for some time

Neither of us knew what the message ment until Jussi dissappeared with the money in a flash of blinding light in the forest.

Day 202 Abduction.

So Liverpool won, in a penalty shootout, just like the spacebrothers said would happen, and Jussi and Uno went and picked up their winnings. By my reckoning it was a cool 500,000 euro. Jussi has disappeared and Uno is left with nothing. Uno tells it like this.

"We colected the money in a Lidl plastic bag and Jussi and me went into the forest to celebrate with the spacebrothers. We stepped into a clearing and there was a blinding light and Jussi disappeared with the Lidl bag full of the money."

Uno swears he heard Jussi say as he disappeared.

I am going up now. I may be gone for some time

Uno believes that Jussi has been abducted. Whisked away in the night by the spacebrothers.