"It's been one week since we got to see. Cheatin' lovers and cousins that marry. Five days since they had the show, with the hermaphrodite, the slut and the crack ho. Three days since we heard the tale, about the guy who learned his woman was a she-male. Yesterday it occurred to me, that I've been watchin' a bit too much Jerry Springer. Holy cow, d'you see it last week? Well, they had this one freak, who sucker-punched his whole family. Do you recall when the brawl... became a total free-for-all? And Jerry's in the middle tryin' to be the referee. Hey, see the stripper with the implants? She likes to lap dance, and date the boyfriend of her mother. Now here comes Jerry's next guest, and it's a slugfest, 'cause it's her trailer trash brother. Nymphomaniac is back on crack. It's like "When Animals Attack". They all exhibit reprehensible behavior. Hit 'em in the nose, tear off their clothes. Step on their toes, that's how it goes. They get so violent they have to sign a waiver. They're always swearin', cursin', kickin' butt and pointin' blame, on the air? They don't care, they got no shame. There was one guy who I'm sure felt a little strange, when he found out that his wife had a sex change.They have a tendency to scream and yell constantly. They have a history of ripping off their shirts. It's been one week since they had the fight,with the Siamese twins and the transvestite. Five days since that awful brawl. They still haven't got the blood off the wall. It's been three days since the bitter feud, between the KKK and that gay Jewish black dude. Yesterday, finally dawned on me, I'm spendin' way too much time on that Jerry Springer.
male Springer guest: Baby, I've been sleepin' with your sister.
female Springer guest: Oh yeah, which one?
male Springer guest: All of 'em.
female Springer guest: Ah, well, I've been sleepin' with your best friend Jake.
male Springer guest: Yeah? W-Well, me too! And, I've been sleepin' with your dog Woofie!
female Springer guest: Woofie, you b*tch! Well I'm also sleepin' with your pet goat!
male Springer guest: That goat doesn't belong to you!
Once you start watchin', there's just no stoppin'. Your brain shuts down, then your IQ's droppin'. Jerry's the king of confrontation. He's a sensation. He puts the 'sin' in syndication. It's totally worthless, like a bad check. It's like a train wreck. Don't wanna stare, but you can't look away. Like Sally Jesse he does talk shows, but with more weirdos. The ratings jumping higher every day. If you've seen the show, well then you know. It's just as low as you can go. The guests are tacky and they're lacking in their hygiene, and pretty soon some ugly goon, comes in the room and then it's BOOM, in the face of some unsuspecting drag queen. Well, it's the kind of show where people scream obscenities. Yankin' hair, throwin' chairs at their hubbies. "Jerry! Jerry!" Now the crowd starts their favorite chant. Should I turn off my TV? I just can't, I have a tendency to watch it religiously. I have a history of taping each one. It's been one week since the show about psycho killers with problems they should work out. Five days since the big surprise, when some loser's wife said that she's still dating twenty guys. Three days since he interviewed a bunch of psychic porn star midgets who were all nude. Yesterday, it occurred to me that I've been watchin' a bit too much Jerry Springer. Tired of wastin' my time on that Jerry Springer. I've got way too much class to watch Jerry Springer.
Yeah Uno are you asleep again? Come over here and pull on my finger"
Sunday, September 26, 2004
Day 122 Monty
"Monty Don he's the man. Much better than Tichfart. Tichfart had Dimmock, but Monty Don has got Rachel de Thame. She is a babe. What is best, breasts or thighs. Give me thighs everytime. Dimmock could be a bricklayers mate. She is good at lifting flagstones, and swinging her tits. She is ginger as well. Rachel was a ballet dancer and a model. There is no competition. Rachel wears gloves to garden. How cool is that? Monty gets depressed. You have to respect gardeners who get depressed. When he talks his brow wrinkles, as though he was fighting away bad memories of the black dog that haunts him. That hellhound on his trail. He keeps it real, not like that punk gardener Chris Collins with that mock cockney accent. Not those wooses Gorden and Guy, with bowties and tweed jackets who have never had a crumb of dirt under their nails, and are to busy sniffing each others Givenchy Xeryus. The curious gardeners indeed... get bent. Not sharks fin Irish Gavin and that twit of a sidekick with long shirt sleeves Lawrence. Not that jackass in a helicopter who makes people dig up their backgardens and impliment his stupid plans, while he swans around in that oversized egg-beater. Not Carol Klein because of her ginger hair, buck teeth, and offensive earings. Not Kim Wilde cos her dad was Marty Wilde, the UK Elvis. Get real there was only one Elvis. Not that inane twittering from Tichfart, who always looks on the bright side of life. Hey Uno am I boring you?"
He was sleeping. That is what always happens. You get in the flow and nobody is listening.
He was sleeping. That is what always happens. You get in the flow and nobody is listening.
Saturday, September 25, 2004
Day 121 Future
I am bored. I decided to read Piggy her horoscope.
"What's your sign?"
"Libra"
"Mnnn... what do you think of this. Children may play a significant role in your life today. Get involved in something that will help others. This will bring you acclaim for your kindness.
She had this dumstruck look on her face, as though she had had a visitation from an angel in heaven. Her eyes had that religious glow to them. Sort of watery and soft
"That's incredible!!! I don't believe it!!!
How could it be so accurate!!! Let me see that!!!"
I tossed her the newspaper, in a dismissive sort of way.
"Here you are. Pity it is last weeks newspaper"
"What's your sign?"
"Libra"
"Mnnn... what do you think of this. Children may play a significant role in your life today. Get involved in something that will help others. This will bring you acclaim for your kindness.
She had this dumstruck look on her face, as though she had had a visitation from an angel in heaven. Her eyes had that religious glow to them. Sort of watery and soft
"That's incredible!!! I don't believe it!!!
How could it be so accurate!!! Let me see that!!!"
I tossed her the newspaper, in a dismissive sort of way.
"Here you are. Pity it is last weeks newspaper"
Day 120 LilY
The boss wants me to order Canna lilies. He is off his nut. The nights are geting frosty, and they will die as soon as they arrive.
"Do it" he says and gives me a number to call
I call the number and a sweet woman's voice says
I hate Nigerian scam merchants who set up premium line services
"Do it" he says and gives me a number to call
I call the number and a sweet woman's voice says
- If you want to enquire about shipments press 1
- If you to query a bill press 2
- If you want to open an account press 3
- If you want to place an order press 4
- If you would like to talk to a sales person press 5
- I am sorry but at the moment this number is not accepting orders
- Please dial the following number.
- If you want to enquire about shipments press 1
- If you to query a bill press 2
- If you want to open an account press 3
- If you want to place an order press 4
- If you would like to talk to a sales person press 5
- I am sorry but at the moment this number is not accepting orders
- Please dial the following number.
I hate Nigerian scam merchants who set up premium line services
Day 119 Hildegard
Jussi dropped in to give me a CD called Visions.
"Music by Hildegard von Bingen"
"German post modern punk band is it?"
"No!"
"Have they been on Top of the Pops recently?"
"This is music from the 13th century"
"Didn't know they had recording equipment back then"
He gave the CD to me and left.
I chucked it straight in the rubbish bin.
"Music by Hildegard von Bingen"
"German post modern punk band is it?"
"No!"
"Have they been on Top of the Pops recently?"
"This is music from the 13th century"
"Didn't know they had recording equipment back then"
He gave the CD to me and left.
I chucked it straight in the rubbish bin.
Day 118 Lip-Studs
I wore five clip on studs on my bottom lip today.
One of my customers, a bat faced, rolly poly, tub of lard, in a coat with an astrakhan collar, took a look at me and sniffed,
“I don’t think that those studs are appropriate. Does the owner know?”
“Lady! I am the owner” I lied
One of my customers, a bat faced, rolly poly, tub of lard, in a coat with an astrakhan collar, took a look at me and sniffed,
“I don’t think that those studs are appropriate. Does the owner know?”
“Lady! I am the owner” I lied
Day 117 pumps
“I can’t find a pump for a water lily pond”
“So?”
“Could you tell me where they're at?”
“They're out in a bin at the back.”
He goes out then comes back.
“They are all broken! Smashed to bits?”
“Should be. I did use a hammer.”
You can't trust customers. They say they want a pump for a water lily pond and the next thing you know they are building a water feature according to Charlie Dimmock. You can't be too careful
“So?”
“Could you tell me where they're at?”
“They're out in a bin at the back.”
He goes out then comes back.
“They are all broken! Smashed to bits?”
“Should be. I did use a hammer.”
You can't trust customers. They say they want a pump for a water lily pond and the next thing you know they are building a water feature according to Charlie Dimmock. You can't be too careful
Day 116 Rawks
I have proof positive that Charlie Dimmock is evil.
We have a pile of rocks out the back, for customers who want to build water features
The stupid Charlie stones and Dimmock rocks, are piled high so that anyboby who tried to lift them gets a hernia. I don't want nobody building water features
Well these skater boys were riding the rails out back and one of them does a loop, and his board lands squarely on the top of a stupid rock that looks like a phallic symol, and it snapped in half.
The skateboarder comes in and he says
"That was a two-hundred Euro board, man! Who's gonna pay for it? Yuh?
"Send the bill to Charlie Dimmock" I say
We have a pile of rocks out the back, for customers who want to build water features
The stupid Charlie stones and Dimmock rocks, are piled high so that anyboby who tried to lift them gets a hernia. I don't want nobody building water features
Well these skater boys were riding the rails out back and one of them does a loop, and his board lands squarely on the top of a stupid rock that looks like a phallic symol, and it snapped in half.
The skateboarder comes in and he says
"That was a two-hundred Euro board, man! Who's gonna pay for it? Yuh?
"Send the bill to Charlie Dimmock" I say
Friday, September 24, 2004
Day 115 Headache
"You got euphorbia"
"Nope we don't have euphorbia"
"You got pansies"
"Nope we aint got no pansies
"You got lilies"
"No aint got no lilies"
"You got phlox"
"Nope we don't do phlox"
"You got bear's breaches"
"Hold on a minute I will go and check. Nope we don't have no bear's breaches"
"What do you do"
"That's for me to know and for you to find out. What do you think we are around here, an encyclopdia, an internet search engine, the British library, a repository of folklore and oral traditions. If you want to know something then read the labels"
Some customers have got too many questions. It is not good for their health or brain to be wanting to know so much stuff. They give me a headache with all that stuff.
"Nope we don't have euphorbia"
"You got pansies"
"Nope we aint got no pansies
"You got lilies"
"No aint got no lilies"
"You got phlox"
"Nope we don't do phlox"
"You got bear's breaches"
"Hold on a minute I will go and check. Nope we don't have no bear's breaches"
"What do you do"
"That's for me to know and for you to find out. What do you think we are around here, an encyclopdia, an internet search engine, the British library, a repository of folklore and oral traditions. If you want to know something then read the labels"
Some customers have got too many questions. It is not good for their health or brain to be wanting to know so much stuff. They give me a headache with all that stuff.
Monday, September 20, 2004
Day 114 Curse
Uno came in today with bandaid on his ears and nose. All he would says was
"Somebody hanked my chain"
Jussi is terrified. He thinks it is the visitation of a curse.
"Somebody hanked my chain"
Jussi is terrified. He thinks it is the visitation of a curse.
Sunday, September 19, 2004
Day 113 Rachel
Uno has decided to kept it simple with the face studs. So he has gone for a single nose ring, and attached to it are 20cm silver chains looping down the sides of his cheeks and attached to his earlobes. To every sixth loop in the chain he has knoted and attached a peice of red string, which he says he got by cutting up a Red Rachel Kabbalist's braclet.
Jussi was worried.
"I get bad vibes man from cutting up a Red Rachel bracelet. Like prayers have been said over that, and if like you cut it up, its bound to be bad for you"
"What you mean like the Five-Point Palm - exploding heart technique in Kill Bill... walk five steps then you are dead?"
"Yeah!!!"
"Or the THE FIVE POINTS OF FELLOWSHIP grip used by the masons that will give you a heart attack once you have done it 5 times?"
"Are you serious?" said Jussi looking worried
"Nah!!! only joking"
Jussi then went to Uno and gave him the five points of fellowship grip just to test the theory, then walked out the centre in a relaxed mood.
Jussi was worried.
"I get bad vibes man from cutting up a Red Rachel bracelet. Like prayers have been said over that, and if like you cut it up, its bound to be bad for you"
"What you mean like the Five-Point Palm - exploding heart technique in Kill Bill... walk five steps then you are dead?"
"Yeah!!!"
"Or the THE FIVE POINTS OF FELLOWSHIP grip used by the masons that will give you a heart attack once you have done it 5 times?"
"Are you serious?" said Jussi looking worried
"Nah!!! only joking"
Jussi then went to Uno and gave him the five points of fellowship grip just to test the theory, then walked out the centre in a relaxed mood.
Day 112 Piss
"The good thing about sinks is that they don't have any seats to lift up"
"And they are at such a convenient level"
"Yeah!!! if you shoot for the pan, the one eyed trousers snake, more often than not, speaks with a forked tongue, and it gets everywhere"
"But with the sink being so close, and especially if you have a bellyful of beer, then there is the great danger of spashback, so you have to have increbible sphincter control"
Janna came charging out of the toilet
"Uno have you been pissing in the sink again???"
Both Uno and I jumped to our feet, and in unison with an outraged voice, and a perplexed hurt look on our faces, cried out in anguish.
"No!!! how could you think such a thing?"
Uno may be stupid, but in some things you have to show solidarity with the brothers.
"And they are at such a convenient level"
"Yeah!!! if you shoot for the pan, the one eyed trousers snake, more often than not, speaks with a forked tongue, and it gets everywhere"
"But with the sink being so close, and especially if you have a bellyful of beer, then there is the great danger of spashback, so you have to have increbible sphincter control"
Janna came charging out of the toilet
"Uno have you been pissing in the sink again???"
Both Uno and I jumped to our feet, and in unison with an outraged voice, and a perplexed hurt look on our faces, cried out in anguish.
"No!!! how could you think such a thing?"
Uno may be stupid, but in some things you have to show solidarity with the brothers.
Friday, September 17, 2004
Day 111 Acupuncture
"I'm going to have my face barry'ed up"
"You what?"
"You know. A high performance face. Finely tuned with studs"
"You mean peircings?"
"No!!! peircing is for punks. I mean acupuncture studs to promote my well being. Strategically placed at high energy zonal nodes to revitalise me"
"So?"
"Stainless steel rings in the earlobes. Silver barbells on the eyebrows. Antique gothic ring in the nose. A row of silver studs on my bottom lip. A diamond pin in my tongue. What do you think?"
"You will have a hell of a time getting through the metal detectors at the airport"
"You what?"
"You know. A high performance face. Finely tuned with studs"
"You mean peircings?"
"No!!! peircing is for punks. I mean acupuncture studs to promote my well being. Strategically placed at high energy zonal nodes to revitalise me"
"So?"
"Stainless steel rings in the earlobes. Silver barbells on the eyebrows. Antique gothic ring in the nose. A row of silver studs on my bottom lip. A diamond pin in my tongue. What do you think?"
"You will have a hell of a time getting through the metal detectors at the airport"
Thursday, September 16, 2004
Day 110 Energy
"Madonna is in Israel at the moment"
"So?"
"She's there to get energy. She'll be visiting the portals... the energy vortexes"
"Energy vortexes?"
"Yeah the Kabbalists say that you can go there and recharge yourself with positive energy."
"Is that right? Do you know if there are any energy vortexes around here?"
"What?"
"I think there is a NEGATIVE energy vortex right here in this coffee room. I think the longer you stay in here, the less energy you have. I think the if you stay in this room then the less work you do. I think the Kabbalists should put a health warning on this room. This room should be avoided at all costs. Now get up off your arse and get back to work"
"So?"
"She's there to get energy. She'll be visiting the portals... the energy vortexes"
"Energy vortexes?"
"Yeah the Kabbalists say that you can go there and recharge yourself with positive energy."
"Is that right? Do you know if there are any energy vortexes around here?"
"What?"
"I think there is a NEGATIVE energy vortex right here in this coffee room. I think the longer you stay in here, the less energy you have. I think the if you stay in this room then the less work you do. I think the Kabbalists should put a health warning on this room. This room should be avoided at all costs. Now get up off your arse and get back to work"
Wednesday, September 15, 2004
Day 109 Beer
Uno has decided that the best way to forget about the Finnish defeat is to drown his sorrows in beer.
"You drink too much! It is affecting your job and your judgement"
He hefted a crate of beer on his shoulder and left for the day.
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a crate - coincidence - I don't think so!"
"You drink too much! It is affecting your job and your judgement"
He hefted a crate of beer on his shoulder and left for the day.
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a crate - coincidence - I don't think so!"
Day 108 Diarrhoea
Uno is feeling shitty about Finland loosing the ice hockey match. He is wearing a white T-shirt with blue letters on it. On the front it says
"Constipation is the thief of time!"
and on the back it says
"But Diarrhoea waits for no man!"
"Constipation is the thief of time!"
and on the back it says
"But Diarrhoea waits for no man!"
Day 107 Ref
Uno is a big ice hockey fan. He went to the Sports Academy down town to see the match. It was screened at 2:00AM in the morning. He loves his hockey. Dedicated he is.
"What did you think of the Canada vs Finland game Uno?"
"If that ref had another eye, he'd be a cyclops."
Finland lost 3-2
"What did you think of the Canada vs Finland game Uno?"
"If that ref had another eye, he'd be a cyclops."
Finland lost 3-2
Tuesday, September 14, 2004
Day 106 Boat race
"You know that boat race they have in the UK each year"
"Yeah... the one on the Thames... Right"
"Well it's a fix"
"How come?"
"The same two teams reach the final every year"
"Whatever!!!"
"Yeah... the one on the Thames... Right"
"Well it's a fix"
"How come?"
"The same two teams reach the final every year"
"Whatever!!!"
Day 105 Nails
"You see these nails?"
"What nails?"
"These long nails on my pinkies"
"Yeah?"
"They are Feng shui nails"
"Get bent! Long nails may be OK on girls, but on you they just look gay... now get on with shifting those bags of cobble stones to the back area"
Uno bent his back and lifted a big bag of cobblestones. He droped it let, out a scream and did a wardance.
"Shit!!! I've just broke my fingernail"
"What nails?"
"These long nails on my pinkies"
"Yeah?"
"They are Feng shui nails"
"Get bent! Long nails may be OK on girls, but on you they just look gay... now get on with shifting those bags of cobble stones to the back area"
Uno bent his back and lifted a big bag of cobblestones. He droped it let, out a scream and did a wardance.
"Shit!!! I've just broke my fingernail"
Monday, September 13, 2004
Day 104 Radio
Uno's big question for today was.
"Wouldn't it be possible to listen to AM radio in the afternoon?"
"Wouldn't it be possible to listen to AM radio in the afternoon?"
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