"If I felt any better I would be in heaven. If I felt any worse I would be in hell"
"What are you on about blister-brain?"
"Did you know the Berserks drank their own piss?"
"I don't think I want to know"
"Ate fly agaric before battle, their kidneys concentrated the active agent into their piss, and when they drank their piss they went spare"
"Well that is enough to burst a tall man"
"Or the shamman would eat the stuff, and he would take the bad hits that gave you the twitchs and sweats, and then give his piss to the rest of the tribe so they would always pocket the black ball at pool.
I think Roope is spending to much time with the Turks, or is sleeping to close to the forest.
Ref: Amanita Muscaria
Tuesday, August 31, 2004
Day 72
"Where is the the dwarf conifers"
"Left for love"
"What?"
"Given a choice of of going left or right, always choose left for love"
"What about right?"
"Right for wrong, You will never get where you want if you choose the right"
"Yeah I saw a programme about that... some man who would only make turns to the left"
"Spent half his life walking backwards to get to where he wanted to go"
"Left for love"
"What?"
"Given a choice of of going left or right, always choose left for love"
"What about right?"
"Right for wrong, You will never get where you want if you choose the right"
"Yeah I saw a programme about that... some man who would only make turns to the left"
"Spent half his life walking backwards to get to where he wanted to go"
Sunday, August 29, 2004
Day 71
Some mother goes spare on me today.
Apparently it’s very irresponsible of me to have poison ivy so readily on display while her kids are in the centre.
One of them was already developing a red rash on her tongue which seemed to be swelling up inside her mouth.
"Mah kung hucks" she said
She was not japanese. The mother looked perplexed.
"I think she just said "My tongue hurts"
"You and your likes are completely irresponsible."
"Look lady you are the one who is irresponsible. It was you who left your kids to wander around the centre unsupervised. While you have spent a good hour admiring the orchids, and not bought any of them. This garden centre is not an amusment park you know?"
When her other kid came complaining that he had cactus needles sticking in his tongue, She draged them both out the door and left.
It was Uno's idea to put the ice lollypops next to the cactus stand.
"Thirst psychology" was what he called it.
That was the best thought Uno had ever had so I let him get away with it.
Apparently it’s very irresponsible of me to have poison ivy so readily on display while her kids are in the centre.
One of them was already developing a red rash on her tongue which seemed to be swelling up inside her mouth.
"Mah kung hucks" she said
She was not japanese. The mother looked perplexed.
"I think she just said "My tongue hurts"
"You and your likes are completely irresponsible."
"Look lady you are the one who is irresponsible. It was you who left your kids to wander around the centre unsupervised. While you have spent a good hour admiring the orchids, and not bought any of them. This garden centre is not an amusment park you know?"
When her other kid came complaining that he had cactus needles sticking in his tongue, She draged them both out the door and left.
It was Uno's idea to put the ice lollypops next to the cactus stand.
"Thirst psychology" was what he called it.
That was the best thought Uno had ever had so I let him get away with it.
Day 70
I hire Janna once again.
I tell her it is for Uno's sake. He was missing her, but really I want to find out more about dreams.
She smiles a happy smile that puts a dimple on her chin.
I am almost envious of Uno.
"So about those dream positions Janna"
"Yeah what about them?"
"Well could you explain a little more about them?"
"It is all to do with digestion"
My thoughts were fluttering like a moth around a candle. I was having a brainfart.
"Digestion?"
"Yeah, you see your stomach is like a big ballon filled with water and it makes this regular movement..."
"Peristaltic contraction... so?"
"Well it keeps on squirting food down into your intestines, and if you sleep on you left-hand side it has a harder time getting the food up to the opening of the intestines which is on the right-hand side"
"So?"
"Well your dreams depend on what you have eaten last thing at night"
"Cheese like?"
"Right"
Thats the last time I will order a family sized quattro formaggi from Monty Cristos and eat it after mid-night, and then go sleep in the 4 position belly down and slightly on the left-hand side.
I tell her it is for Uno's sake. He was missing her, but really I want to find out more about dreams.
She smiles a happy smile that puts a dimple on her chin.
I am almost envious of Uno.
"So about those dream positions Janna"
"Yeah what about them?"
"Well could you explain a little more about them?"
"It is all to do with digestion"
My thoughts were fluttering like a moth around a candle. I was having a brainfart.
"Digestion?"
"Yeah, you see your stomach is like a big ballon filled with water and it makes this regular movement..."
"Peristaltic contraction... so?"
"Well it keeps on squirting food down into your intestines, and if you sleep on you left-hand side it has a harder time getting the food up to the opening of the intestines which is on the right-hand side"
"So?"
"Well your dreams depend on what you have eaten last thing at night"
"Cheese like?"
"Right"
Thats the last time I will order a family sized quattro formaggi from Monty Cristos and eat it after mid-night, and then go sleep in the 4 position belly down and slightly on the left-hand side.
Day 69
Tried the P dream position on my back, and at some point during the night I must have turned onto my stomach which put me into a 4 dream position.
All I can say is don't do it.
Ref: The dreambank
All I can say is don't do it.
Ref: The dreambank
Day 67
Roope has been hanging out with the refugees down the allotments.
He smokes hooka with them.
He says to them he could find a market for their produce.
He comes to the centre and asks me if I will sell their stuff for them if he brings it in.
"No way man. Finns don't do ethnic stuff."
"I'm stuffed then. Slit from pubes to gizzard"
"Wrong!!! That would be gutted Roope"
Anyways he is safe. He doesn't have an address where they can find him, since he sleeps under the motorway.
He smokes hooka with them.
He says to them he could find a market for their produce.
He comes to the centre and asks me if I will sell their stuff for them if he brings it in.
"No way man. Finns don't do ethnic stuff."
"I'm stuffed then. Slit from pubes to gizzard"
"Wrong!!! That would be gutted Roope"
Anyways he is safe. He doesn't have an address where they can find him, since he sleeps under the motorway.
Day 66
Uno is missing Janna. He has even lost his exagerated startle response. I can shout at him but he does not react.
"She was no good for you man"
"Yes she was"
"No she wasn't. She had a dimple on her chin, and you know what that means?
"I don't care what it means"
"Course you do"
"No I don't"
"Yes you do... dimpled chin, devil within"
"That's why I liked her"
Ref: Dimpled chin
"She was no good for you man"
"Yes she was"
"No she wasn't. She had a dimple on her chin, and you know what that means?
"I don't care what it means"
"Course you do"
"No I don't"
"Yes you do... dimpled chin, devil within"
"That's why I liked her"
Ref: Dimpled chin
Day 65
"Hey skateboy... beat it"
"What for? Ain't doing nothing"
That was a double negative but I let it slip.
"Look dogsbreath, you are breathing, and I have got some sensitive plants in here, now beat it, before I call the cops and have you up for indecent exposure"
"You're whacked man"
He made to whack me with his board, but I spayed him in the eyes with some fungicide.
It is better than Mace that stuff.
"What for? Ain't doing nothing"
That was a double negative but I let it slip.
"Look dogsbreath, you are breathing, and I have got some sensitive plants in here, now beat it, before I call the cops and have you up for indecent exposure"
"You're whacked man"
He made to whack me with his board, but I spayed him in the eyes with some fungicide.
It is better than Mace that stuff.
Day 64
I fired Janna.
Caught her talking to Jussi the postman about the way to sleep to get the best dreams.
She said "Lie on your back with one leg straight and bend the other leg at the knee and tuck the ankle behind the straight leg to make the shape of the number 4"
Jussi was drooling
"Or if you want really weird dreams then you can reverse the process and make your legs into the shape of the letter P"
Jussi with eyes sticking out on stalks with extasy said
"What happens if you do it lying on your belly"
I had enough of this masonic crap so I fired Janna on the spot and told Jussi
"Go get whipped"
Caught her talking to Jussi the postman about the way to sleep to get the best dreams.
She said "Lie on your back with one leg straight and bend the other leg at the knee and tuck the ankle behind the straight leg to make the shape of the number 4"
Jussi was drooling
"Or if you want really weird dreams then you can reverse the process and make your legs into the shape of the letter P"
Jussi with eyes sticking out on stalks with extasy said
"What happens if you do it lying on your belly"
I had enough of this masonic crap so I fired Janna on the spot and told Jussi
"Go get whipped"
Day 63
Boss came in early.
He notices we have cleaned out the Clemitis section, and Uno and Janna are chopping the hell out of some conifers that I had taken a dislike to.
"Keep up this kind of work, and you are in for a pay rise"
He leaves and I tell Uno to water the hell out of the cactii in the desert section.
He notices we have cleaned out the Clemitis section, and Uno and Janna are chopping the hell out of some conifers that I had taken a dislike to.
"Keep up this kind of work, and you are in for a pay rise"
He leaves and I tell Uno to water the hell out of the cactii in the desert section.
Day 62 Sowing
Piggy comes in with a couple of packets of F1 hybrids.
She says with that smile of hers
"I thought we could go into the back room and do some sowing"
"Knock youself out"
She says with that smile of hers
"I thought we could go into the back room and do some sowing"
"Knock youself out"
Day 61 Funerals
Boss has heard about the funeral wreath stories. From the way his hands are flapping about, he is madder than an Estonian who has just lost the World Air Guitar Championship.
I tell him "Go look it up"
"Look up what?"
"Why do people give wreaths at funerals"
"Save me the trouble smartass... what does it say?"
"Nothing"
"What do you mean... nothing"
"Precisely that... nothing."
"But it's a sign of respect!"
"Sign of a bad conscience more like it. Died deserted and demented in an old-folks home. If they had wanted to show some concern they should have bought him a pizza from Monty Cristos and put a smile on his face before he died. He would have appreciated that."
I tell him "Go look it up"
"Look up what?"
"Why do people give wreaths at funerals"
"Save me the trouble smartass... what does it say?"
"Nothing"
"What do you mean... nothing"
"Precisely that... nothing."
"But it's a sign of respect!"
"Sign of a bad conscience more like it. Died deserted and demented in an old-folks home. If they had wanted to show some concern they should have bought him a pizza from Monty Cristos and put a smile on his face before he died. He would have appreciated that."
Saturday, August 28, 2004
Day 60 Jumping
Uno is nursing his bruised knuckles. He may be slow in the brain department, but he is quick on his feet.
He is decended from a French Canadian lumberjack who emigrated to Finland. He suffers from the Gilles de la Tourette Syndrome, or to be more specific he was decended from the jumping Frenchmen of Maine.
For example, if he was abruptly asked to strike someone, he would do so without hesitation, even if it was his mother and he had an axe in his hand. If given a short, sudden, quick command, Uno would respond with the appropriate action, often echoing the words of command.
When I shouted at the top of my lungs
"Hit him with that birdseed bag Uno"
It produced the desired effect.
Ref: The jumping frenchmen of Maine
He is decended from a French Canadian lumberjack who emigrated to Finland. He suffers from the Gilles de la Tourette Syndrome, or to be more specific he was decended from the jumping Frenchmen of Maine.
For example, if he was abruptly asked to strike someone, he would do so without hesitation, even if it was his mother and he had an axe in his hand. If given a short, sudden, quick command, Uno would respond with the appropriate action, often echoing the words of command.
When I shouted at the top of my lungs
"Hit him with that birdseed bag Uno"
It produced the desired effect.
Ref: The jumping frenchmen of Maine
Day 59 Principles
Big bruiser comes into the shop. From the knit of his brows, and the cut of his hair, I can see he is looking for trouble.
"Where is that long streak of misery, that sent my sister home crying"
"Who is you sister?"
"Mervi... who came in here to buy a wreath"
"We don't sell wreaths. It is against our principles"
"And what principles might they be?"
"We like to be life affirming. We do christenings, weddings, birthdays, graduations, celebrations, that type of thing. We don't do death"
"Well I'm about to do death... now where is that slagheap that insulted my sister"
"That would be Uno. He is out the back refilling the bird feeder"
"Where is that long streak of misery, that sent my sister home crying"
"Who is you sister?"
"Mervi... who came in here to buy a wreath"
"We don't sell wreaths. It is against our principles"
"And what principles might they be?"
"We like to be life affirming. We do christenings, weddings, birthdays, graduations, celebrations, that type of thing. We don't do death"
"Well I'm about to do death... now where is that slagheap that insulted my sister"
"That would be Uno. He is out the back refilling the bird feeder"
Day 58 Prices
"My daughter came home in tears because you refused to sell her a wreath"
"So?"
"Well you insulted her, and upset her"
"Do you wan't to pay 50 euros for a wreath?"
"Well not as much as that. Something less expensive"
"40 euros"
"That's a bit high as well"
"30 euros"
"Well I suppose that would be OK"
"We don't do 30 euro wreaths"
"Why not?"
"We don't want to insult the dead"
"So?"
"Well you insulted her, and upset her"
"Do you wan't to pay 50 euros for a wreath?"
"Well not as much as that. Something less expensive"
"40 euros"
"That's a bit high as well"
"30 euros"
"Well I suppose that would be OK"
"We don't do 30 euro wreaths"
"Why not?"
"We don't want to insult the dead"
Day 57 Wreath
"My dad's dead. I need a wreath"
"No you don't"
"Course I do. Everybody gets wreaths when they die"
"Like princess Di?"
"Yeah like Princess Di. That's right"
"Do you happen to know if she appreciated all the flowers and wreaths?"
"What?"
"She was dead numbnut... so who were the flowers for?"
Buying flowers for people who will never see them or smell them beats me. But hey we've all got to make a living somehow, even if its from the dying.
"No you don't"
"Course I do. Everybody gets wreaths when they die"
"Like princess Di?"
"Yeah like Princess Di. That's right"
"Do you happen to know if she appreciated all the flowers and wreaths?"
"What?"
"She was dead numbnut... so who were the flowers for?"
Buying flowers for people who will never see them or smell them beats me. But hey we've all got to make a living somehow, even if its from the dying.
Friday, August 27, 2004
Day 56 Vomit
"You've given a lot of ladies a lot of pleasure,"
That is what the Queen said to Alan Titchmarsh.
That is what he would like to have it inscribed on his tombstone!
Doesn't it make you want to vomit? How BBC can any one man get?
Sucker
That is what the Queen said to Alan Titchmarsh.
That is what he would like to have it inscribed on his tombstone!
Doesn't it make you want to vomit? How BBC can any one man get?
Sucker
Day 54 Trill
The old lady, the pensioner who steals sunflower seeds from the bird feeder came in today.
I confronted her.
"Why do you steal?
"What's it to you?"
"Well you take stuff that doesn't belong to you. Are you poor?
"No?"
"Well, why do you do it then?"
"The thrill"
I confronted her.
"Why do you steal?
"What's it to you?"
"Well you take stuff that doesn't belong to you. Are you poor?
"No?"
"Well, why do you do it then?"
"The thrill"
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