"It's been one week since we got to see. Cheatin' lovers and cousins that marry. Five days since they had the show, with the hermaphrodite, the slut and the crack ho. Three days since we heard the tale, about the guy who learned his woman was a she-male. Yesterday it occurred to me, that I've been watchin' a bit too much Jerry Springer. Holy cow, d'you see it last week? Well, they had this one freak, who sucker-punched his whole family. Do you recall when the brawl... became a total free-for-all? And Jerry's in the middle tryin' to be the referee. Hey, see the stripper with the implants? She likes to lap dance, and date the boyfriend of her mother. Now here comes Jerry's next guest, and it's a slugfest, 'cause it's her trailer trash brother. Nymphomaniac is back on crack. It's like "When Animals Attack". They all exhibit reprehensible behavior. Hit 'em in the nose, tear off their clothes. Step on their toes, that's how it goes. They get so violent they have to sign a waiver. They're always swearin', cursin', kickin' butt and pointin' blame, on the air? They don't care, they got no shame. There was one guy who I'm sure felt a little strange, when he found out that his wife had a sex change.They have a tendency to scream and yell constantly. They have a history of ripping off their shirts. It's been one week since they had the fight,with the Siamese twins and the transvestite. Five days since that awful brawl. They still haven't got the blood off the wall. It's been three days since the bitter feud, between the KKK and that gay Jewish black dude. Yesterday, finally dawned on me, I'm spendin' way too much time on that Jerry Springer.
male Springer guest: Baby, I've been sleepin' with your sister.
female Springer guest: Oh yeah, which one?
male Springer guest: All of 'em.
female Springer guest: Ah, well, I've been sleepin' with your best friend Jake.
male Springer guest: Yeah? W-Well, me too! And, I've been sleepin' with your dog Woofie!
female Springer guest: Woofie, you b*tch! Well I'm also sleepin' with your pet goat!
male Springer guest: That goat doesn't belong to you!
Once you start watchin', there's just no stoppin'. Your brain shuts down, then your IQ's droppin'. Jerry's the king of confrontation. He's a sensation. He puts the 'sin' in syndication. It's totally worthless, like a bad check. It's like a train wreck. Don't wanna stare, but you can't look away. Like Sally Jesse he does talk shows, but with more weirdos. The ratings jumping higher every day. If you've seen the show, well then you know. It's just as low as you can go. The guests are tacky and they're lacking in their hygiene, and pretty soon some ugly goon, comes in the room and then it's BOOM, in the face of some unsuspecting drag queen. Well, it's the kind of show where people scream obscenities. Yankin' hair, throwin' chairs at their hubbies. "Jerry! Jerry!" Now the crowd starts their favorite chant. Should I turn off my TV? I just can't, I have a tendency to watch it religiously. I have a history of taping each one. It's been one week since the show about psycho killers with problems they should work out. Five days since the big surprise, when some loser's wife said that she's still dating twenty guys. Three days since he interviewed a bunch of psychic porn star midgets who were all nude. Yesterday, it occurred to me that I've been watchin' a bit too much Jerry Springer. Tired of wastin' my time on that Jerry Springer. I've got way too much class to watch Jerry Springer.
Yeah Uno are you asleep again? Come over here and pull on my finger"
Sunday, September 26, 2004
Day 122 Monty
"Monty Don he's the man. Much better than Tichfart. Tichfart had Dimmock, but Monty Don has got Rachel de Thame. She is a babe. What is best, breasts or thighs. Give me thighs everytime. Dimmock could be a bricklayers mate. She is good at lifting flagstones, and swinging her tits. She is ginger as well. Rachel was a ballet dancer and a model. There is no competition. Rachel wears gloves to garden. How cool is that? Monty gets depressed. You have to respect gardeners who get depressed. When he talks his brow wrinkles, as though he was fighting away bad memories of the black dog that haunts him. That hellhound on his trail. He keeps it real, not like that punk gardener Chris Collins with that mock cockney accent. Not those wooses Gorden and Guy, with bowties and tweed jackets who have never had a crumb of dirt under their nails, and are to busy sniffing each others Givenchy Xeryus. The curious gardeners indeed... get bent. Not sharks fin Irish Gavin and that twit of a sidekick with long shirt sleeves Lawrence. Not that jackass in a helicopter who makes people dig up their backgardens and impliment his stupid plans, while he swans around in that oversized egg-beater. Not Carol Klein because of her ginger hair, buck teeth, and offensive earings. Not Kim Wilde cos her dad was Marty Wilde, the UK Elvis. Get real there was only one Elvis. Not that inane twittering from Tichfart, who always looks on the bright side of life. Hey Uno am I boring you?"
He was sleeping. That is what always happens. You get in the flow and nobody is listening.
He was sleeping. That is what always happens. You get in the flow and nobody is listening.
Saturday, September 25, 2004
Day 121 Future
I am bored. I decided to read Piggy her horoscope.
"What's your sign?"
"Libra"
"Mnnn... what do you think of this. Children may play a significant role in your life today. Get involved in something that will help others. This will bring you acclaim for your kindness.
She had this dumstruck look on her face, as though she had had a visitation from an angel in heaven. Her eyes had that religious glow to them. Sort of watery and soft
"That's incredible!!! I don't believe it!!!
How could it be so accurate!!! Let me see that!!!"
I tossed her the newspaper, in a dismissive sort of way.
"Here you are. Pity it is last weeks newspaper"
"What's your sign?"
"Libra"
"Mnnn... what do you think of this. Children may play a significant role in your life today. Get involved in something that will help others. This will bring you acclaim for your kindness.
She had this dumstruck look on her face, as though she had had a visitation from an angel in heaven. Her eyes had that religious glow to them. Sort of watery and soft
"That's incredible!!! I don't believe it!!!
How could it be so accurate!!! Let me see that!!!"
I tossed her the newspaper, in a dismissive sort of way.
"Here you are. Pity it is last weeks newspaper"
Day 120 LilY
The boss wants me to order Canna lilies. He is off his nut. The nights are geting frosty, and they will die as soon as they arrive.
"Do it" he says and gives me a number to call
I call the number and a sweet woman's voice says
I hate Nigerian scam merchants who set up premium line services
"Do it" he says and gives me a number to call
I call the number and a sweet woman's voice says
- If you want to enquire about shipments press 1
- If you to query a bill press 2
- If you want to open an account press 3
- If you want to place an order press 4
- If you would like to talk to a sales person press 5
- I am sorry but at the moment this number is not accepting orders
- Please dial the following number.
- If you want to enquire about shipments press 1
- If you to query a bill press 2
- If you want to open an account press 3
- If you want to place an order press 4
- If you would like to talk to a sales person press 5
- I am sorry but at the moment this number is not accepting orders
- Please dial the following number.
I hate Nigerian scam merchants who set up premium line services
Day 119 Hildegard
Jussi dropped in to give me a CD called Visions.
"Music by Hildegard von Bingen"
"German post modern punk band is it?"
"No!"
"Have they been on Top of the Pops recently?"
"This is music from the 13th century"
"Didn't know they had recording equipment back then"
He gave the CD to me and left.
I chucked it straight in the rubbish bin.
"Music by Hildegard von Bingen"
"German post modern punk band is it?"
"No!"
"Have they been on Top of the Pops recently?"
"This is music from the 13th century"
"Didn't know they had recording equipment back then"
He gave the CD to me and left.
I chucked it straight in the rubbish bin.
Day 118 Lip-Studs
I wore five clip on studs on my bottom lip today.
One of my customers, a bat faced, rolly poly, tub of lard, in a coat with an astrakhan collar, took a look at me and sniffed,
“I don’t think that those studs are appropriate. Does the owner know?”
“Lady! I am the owner” I lied
One of my customers, a bat faced, rolly poly, tub of lard, in a coat with an astrakhan collar, took a look at me and sniffed,
“I don’t think that those studs are appropriate. Does the owner know?”
“Lady! I am the owner” I lied
Day 117 pumps
“I can’t find a pump for a water lily pond”
“So?”
“Could you tell me where they're at?”
“They're out in a bin at the back.”
He goes out then comes back.
“They are all broken! Smashed to bits?”
“Should be. I did use a hammer.”
You can't trust customers. They say they want a pump for a water lily pond and the next thing you know they are building a water feature according to Charlie Dimmock. You can't be too careful
“So?”
“Could you tell me where they're at?”
“They're out in a bin at the back.”
He goes out then comes back.
“They are all broken! Smashed to bits?”
“Should be. I did use a hammer.”
You can't trust customers. They say they want a pump for a water lily pond and the next thing you know they are building a water feature according to Charlie Dimmock. You can't be too careful
Day 116 Rawks
I have proof positive that Charlie Dimmock is evil.
We have a pile of rocks out the back, for customers who want to build water features
The stupid Charlie stones and Dimmock rocks, are piled high so that anyboby who tried to lift them gets a hernia. I don't want nobody building water features
Well these skater boys were riding the rails out back and one of them does a loop, and his board lands squarely on the top of a stupid rock that looks like a phallic symol, and it snapped in half.
The skateboarder comes in and he says
"That was a two-hundred Euro board, man! Who's gonna pay for it? Yuh?
"Send the bill to Charlie Dimmock" I say
We have a pile of rocks out the back, for customers who want to build water features
The stupid Charlie stones and Dimmock rocks, are piled high so that anyboby who tried to lift them gets a hernia. I don't want nobody building water features
Well these skater boys were riding the rails out back and one of them does a loop, and his board lands squarely on the top of a stupid rock that looks like a phallic symol, and it snapped in half.
The skateboarder comes in and he says
"That was a two-hundred Euro board, man! Who's gonna pay for it? Yuh?
"Send the bill to Charlie Dimmock" I say
Friday, September 24, 2004
Day 115 Headache
"You got euphorbia"
"Nope we don't have euphorbia"
"You got pansies"
"Nope we aint got no pansies
"You got lilies"
"No aint got no lilies"
"You got phlox"
"Nope we don't do phlox"
"You got bear's breaches"
"Hold on a minute I will go and check. Nope we don't have no bear's breaches"
"What do you do"
"That's for me to know and for you to find out. What do you think we are around here, an encyclopdia, an internet search engine, the British library, a repository of folklore and oral traditions. If you want to know something then read the labels"
Some customers have got too many questions. It is not good for their health or brain to be wanting to know so much stuff. They give me a headache with all that stuff.
"Nope we don't have euphorbia"
"You got pansies"
"Nope we aint got no pansies
"You got lilies"
"No aint got no lilies"
"You got phlox"
"Nope we don't do phlox"
"You got bear's breaches"
"Hold on a minute I will go and check. Nope we don't have no bear's breaches"
"What do you do"
"That's for me to know and for you to find out. What do you think we are around here, an encyclopdia, an internet search engine, the British library, a repository of folklore and oral traditions. If you want to know something then read the labels"
Some customers have got too many questions. It is not good for their health or brain to be wanting to know so much stuff. They give me a headache with all that stuff.
Monday, September 20, 2004
Day 114 Curse
Uno came in today with bandaid on his ears and nose. All he would says was
"Somebody hanked my chain"
Jussi is terrified. He thinks it is the visitation of a curse.
"Somebody hanked my chain"
Jussi is terrified. He thinks it is the visitation of a curse.
Sunday, September 19, 2004
Day 113 Rachel
Uno has decided to kept it simple with the face studs. So he has gone for a single nose ring, and attached to it are 20cm silver chains looping down the sides of his cheeks and attached to his earlobes. To every sixth loop in the chain he has knoted and attached a peice of red string, which he says he got by cutting up a Red Rachel Kabbalist's braclet.
Jussi was worried.
"I get bad vibes man from cutting up a Red Rachel bracelet. Like prayers have been said over that, and if like you cut it up, its bound to be bad for you"
"What you mean like the Five-Point Palm - exploding heart technique in Kill Bill... walk five steps then you are dead?"
"Yeah!!!"
"Or the THE FIVE POINTS OF FELLOWSHIP grip used by the masons that will give you a heart attack once you have done it 5 times?"
"Are you serious?" said Jussi looking worried
"Nah!!! only joking"
Jussi then went to Uno and gave him the five points of fellowship grip just to test the theory, then walked out the centre in a relaxed mood.
Jussi was worried.
"I get bad vibes man from cutting up a Red Rachel bracelet. Like prayers have been said over that, and if like you cut it up, its bound to be bad for you"
"What you mean like the Five-Point Palm - exploding heart technique in Kill Bill... walk five steps then you are dead?"
"Yeah!!!"
"Or the THE FIVE POINTS OF FELLOWSHIP grip used by the masons that will give you a heart attack once you have done it 5 times?"
"Are you serious?" said Jussi looking worried
"Nah!!! only joking"
Jussi then went to Uno and gave him the five points of fellowship grip just to test the theory, then walked out the centre in a relaxed mood.
Day 112 Piss
"The good thing about sinks is that they don't have any seats to lift up"
"And they are at such a convenient level"
"Yeah!!! if you shoot for the pan, the one eyed trousers snake, more often than not, speaks with a forked tongue, and it gets everywhere"
"But with the sink being so close, and especially if you have a bellyful of beer, then there is the great danger of spashback, so you have to have increbible sphincter control"
Janna came charging out of the toilet
"Uno have you been pissing in the sink again???"
Both Uno and I jumped to our feet, and in unison with an outraged voice, and a perplexed hurt look on our faces, cried out in anguish.
"No!!! how could you think such a thing?"
Uno may be stupid, but in some things you have to show solidarity with the brothers.
"And they are at such a convenient level"
"Yeah!!! if you shoot for the pan, the one eyed trousers snake, more often than not, speaks with a forked tongue, and it gets everywhere"
"But with the sink being so close, and especially if you have a bellyful of beer, then there is the great danger of spashback, so you have to have increbible sphincter control"
Janna came charging out of the toilet
"Uno have you been pissing in the sink again???"
Both Uno and I jumped to our feet, and in unison with an outraged voice, and a perplexed hurt look on our faces, cried out in anguish.
"No!!! how could you think such a thing?"
Uno may be stupid, but in some things you have to show solidarity with the brothers.
Friday, September 17, 2004
Day 111 Acupuncture
"I'm going to have my face barry'ed up"
"You what?"
"You know. A high performance face. Finely tuned with studs"
"You mean peircings?"
"No!!! peircing is for punks. I mean acupuncture studs to promote my well being. Strategically placed at high energy zonal nodes to revitalise me"
"So?"
"Stainless steel rings in the earlobes. Silver barbells on the eyebrows. Antique gothic ring in the nose. A row of silver studs on my bottom lip. A diamond pin in my tongue. What do you think?"
"You will have a hell of a time getting through the metal detectors at the airport"
"You what?"
"You know. A high performance face. Finely tuned with studs"
"You mean peircings?"
"No!!! peircing is for punks. I mean acupuncture studs to promote my well being. Strategically placed at high energy zonal nodes to revitalise me"
"So?"
"Stainless steel rings in the earlobes. Silver barbells on the eyebrows. Antique gothic ring in the nose. A row of silver studs on my bottom lip. A diamond pin in my tongue. What do you think?"
"You will have a hell of a time getting through the metal detectors at the airport"
Thursday, September 16, 2004
Day 110 Energy
"Madonna is in Israel at the moment"
"So?"
"She's there to get energy. She'll be visiting the portals... the energy vortexes"
"Energy vortexes?"
"Yeah the Kabbalists say that you can go there and recharge yourself with positive energy."
"Is that right? Do you know if there are any energy vortexes around here?"
"What?"
"I think there is a NEGATIVE energy vortex right here in this coffee room. I think the longer you stay in here, the less energy you have. I think the if you stay in this room then the less work you do. I think the Kabbalists should put a health warning on this room. This room should be avoided at all costs. Now get up off your arse and get back to work"
"So?"
"She's there to get energy. She'll be visiting the portals... the energy vortexes"
"Energy vortexes?"
"Yeah the Kabbalists say that you can go there and recharge yourself with positive energy."
"Is that right? Do you know if there are any energy vortexes around here?"
"What?"
"I think there is a NEGATIVE energy vortex right here in this coffee room. I think the longer you stay in here, the less energy you have. I think the if you stay in this room then the less work you do. I think the Kabbalists should put a health warning on this room. This room should be avoided at all costs. Now get up off your arse and get back to work"
Wednesday, September 15, 2004
Day 109 Beer
Uno has decided that the best way to forget about the Finnish defeat is to drown his sorrows in beer.
"You drink too much! It is affecting your job and your judgement"
He hefted a crate of beer on his shoulder and left for the day.
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a crate - coincidence - I don't think so!"
"You drink too much! It is affecting your job and your judgement"
He hefted a crate of beer on his shoulder and left for the day.
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a crate - coincidence - I don't think so!"
Day 108 Diarrhoea
Uno is feeling shitty about Finland loosing the ice hockey match. He is wearing a white T-shirt with blue letters on it. On the front it says
"Constipation is the thief of time!"
and on the back it says
"But Diarrhoea waits for no man!"
"Constipation is the thief of time!"
and on the back it says
"But Diarrhoea waits for no man!"
Day 107 Ref
Uno is a big ice hockey fan. He went to the Sports Academy down town to see the match. It was screened at 2:00AM in the morning. He loves his hockey. Dedicated he is.
"What did you think of the Canada vs Finland game Uno?"
"If that ref had another eye, he'd be a cyclops."
Finland lost 3-2
"What did you think of the Canada vs Finland game Uno?"
"If that ref had another eye, he'd be a cyclops."
Finland lost 3-2
Tuesday, September 14, 2004
Day 106 Boat race
"You know that boat race they have in the UK each year"
"Yeah... the one on the Thames... Right"
"Well it's a fix"
"How come?"
"The same two teams reach the final every year"
"Whatever!!!"
"Yeah... the one on the Thames... Right"
"Well it's a fix"
"How come?"
"The same two teams reach the final every year"
"Whatever!!!"
Day 105 Nails
"You see these nails?"
"What nails?"
"These long nails on my pinkies"
"Yeah?"
"They are Feng shui nails"
"Get bent! Long nails may be OK on girls, but on you they just look gay... now get on with shifting those bags of cobble stones to the back area"
Uno bent his back and lifted a big bag of cobblestones. He droped it let, out a scream and did a wardance.
"Shit!!! I've just broke my fingernail"
"What nails?"
"These long nails on my pinkies"
"Yeah?"
"They are Feng shui nails"
"Get bent! Long nails may be OK on girls, but on you they just look gay... now get on with shifting those bags of cobble stones to the back area"
Uno bent his back and lifted a big bag of cobblestones. He droped it let, out a scream and did a wardance.
"Shit!!! I've just broke my fingernail"
Monday, September 13, 2004
Day 104 Radio
Uno's big question for today was.
"Wouldn't it be possible to listen to AM radio in the afternoon?"
"Wouldn't it be possible to listen to AM radio in the afternoon?"
Day 103 Slices
I ordered pizzas for me and Uno.
I ordered extra cheese on my quattro formaggi. Uno had a Greek special pizza.
"Bad choice... Greek Specials are the sweepings off the floor"
"But they taste great"
When the pizzas arrived I asked Uno if he wanted me to cut it into 12 or 6 slices
"Six... I could never eat twelve slices"
I ordered extra cheese on my quattro formaggi. Uno had a Greek special pizza.
"Bad choice... Greek Specials are the sweepings off the floor"
"But they taste great"
When the pizzas arrived I asked Uno if he wanted me to cut it into 12 or 6 slices
"Six... I could never eat twelve slices"
Day 101 Urine test
After the spit roasted psychoactive toad incident the boss has decided that all the staff should have a urine test.
Uno is a bit worried and he wants some time off to study for his.
Whatever!!!
Uno is a bit worried and he wants some time off to study for his.
Whatever!!!
Sunday, September 12, 2004
Day 100 Child care
Piggy was wearing a pink T-shirt. On the front in blue letters it said
Child care: Pay for it now
and on the back it said
... or pay for it later
Is she trying to tell me something, or is she just hanging around too much with Virpi?
Child care: Pay for it now
and on the back it said
... or pay for it later
Is she trying to tell me something, or is she just hanging around too much with Virpi?
Thursday, September 09, 2004
Day 99 Confession
"I find myself being thrown back and forth between confession and concealment. Do you think that is good?"
"No"
"Some days I just want to find somebody I can confess to. Get it all of my chest"
"Yeah... go on"
"And other days I feel so ashamed that I want to cover up my tracks, blot out my past history, and I dispise myself for wanting to conceal things"
"So then you need to confess to feel better?"
"Yeah!!! it is a viscous circle"
"I think what we need here, is a surveillance camera. Something to keep tabs on you all the time"
Piggy looked at me hopefully.
"Do you think that would be a solution? do you?"
"No"
But never the less I broached the subject to the boss to have one installed at the centre, to keep and eye on these punks that skate in the backyard and the old-aged pensioners who steal birdseed.
He agreed
"No"
"Some days I just want to find somebody I can confess to. Get it all of my chest"
"Yeah... go on"
"And other days I feel so ashamed that I want to cover up my tracks, blot out my past history, and I dispise myself for wanting to conceal things"
"So then you need to confess to feel better?"
"Yeah!!! it is a viscous circle"
"I think what we need here, is a surveillance camera. Something to keep tabs on you all the time"
Piggy looked at me hopefully.
"Do you think that would be a solution? do you?"
"No"
But never the less I broached the subject to the boss to have one installed at the centre, to keep and eye on these punks that skate in the backyard and the old-aged pensioners who steal birdseed.
He agreed
Wednesday, September 08, 2004
Day 98 Cheesy poem
Roope was reciting a poem to Virpi. I could hardly hear it.
"My love is like ripe Roquefort, strong and steaming.
Her presence permeates my mind when I lie dreaming.
Her creamy skin a Philadelphia delight.
I spread her on my cracker, late at night.
A triangle of cheesy spread, she greets my morning.
I peel her soft foil layers as day is dawning.
I ponder on old Parmesan, and lie breath bated,
wondering what her Cheddar would be like grated.
But the cheese which brings to mind my lover true
Is Aura, creamy, crumbly, strong and veiny blue.
I swooned and moaned, brought nearly to the edge.
by juicey moisture from her Gorgonzola wedge.
A hole in Emmental I poke my finger through
and nibble on the salty core, and think my love of you"
"My love is like ripe Roquefort, strong and steaming.
Her presence permeates my mind when I lie dreaming.
Her creamy skin a Philadelphia delight.
I spread her on my cracker, late at night.
A triangle of cheesy spread, she greets my morning.
I peel her soft foil layers as day is dawning.
I ponder on old Parmesan, and lie breath bated,
wondering what her Cheddar would be like grated.
But the cheese which brings to mind my lover true
Is Aura, creamy, crumbly, strong and veiny blue.
I swooned and moaned, brought nearly to the edge.
by juicey moisture from her Gorgonzola wedge.
A hole in Emmental I poke my finger through
and nibble on the salty core, and think my love of you"
Tuesday, September 07, 2004
Day 97 Violence
"There are two occasions when you have to be nice to people.
Virpi got up from her chair and walked out the shop without a word.
"Hey! Come back here. I'm talking to you"
- to avoid violence to your person (Auli always gets his basil)
- to get what you want. (Come here little Piggy Piggy)
Virpi got up from her chair and walked out the shop without a word.
"Hey! Come back here. I'm talking to you"
Day 96 Music
Roope comes in a bit rough. A bit bleary eyed. A bit tobacco juice at the corners of his mouth. A bit snotty nosed. It must be cold sleeping under the motorway bridge.
"Did you know that if you take the notes from the death march by Mozart and transpose them into a protein sequence, then you get a protein that is invariably present at the onset of cancer?
"Interesting NOT! Where do you come up with all these weird ideas?"
"The library at Iso Omena. It is warm there, and if you don't smell too bad, you can find yourself a corner to sleep in, without being disturbed."
"The next thing you will be telling me is that we should take the sequence for Serotonin and transcribe it into music, and play it to the depressed to make them happy"
"Yeah that is a great idea. Insirational. You been sleeping late in the P position have you?"
Word gets around.
Ref: Music from proteins
"Did you know that if you take the notes from the death march by Mozart and transpose them into a protein sequence, then you get a protein that is invariably present at the onset of cancer?
"Interesting NOT! Where do you come up with all these weird ideas?"
"The library at Iso Omena. It is warm there, and if you don't smell too bad, you can find yourself a corner to sleep in, without being disturbed."
"The next thing you will be telling me is that we should take the sequence for Serotonin and transcribe it into music, and play it to the depressed to make them happy"
"Yeah that is a great idea. Insirational. You been sleeping late in the P position have you?"
Word gets around.
Ref: Music from proteins
Day 95 Babies
"You are not suitable material for a father"
"So?"
"Newborn babies prefer to look at attractive faces. So that rules you out"
"Excuse me?"
"If you play Vivaldi's Four Seasons forward, babies like it. But if you play Vivaldi backwards, they don't like it so much. If I were having a baby... which I'm not. You would completely warp it with all that deathmetal music you play"
"What if we played the deathmetal music backwards. Would that be OK?"
This is getting serious. Piggy could be preggers.
"So?"
"Newborn babies prefer to look at attractive faces. So that rules you out"
"Excuse me?"
"If you play Vivaldi's Four Seasons forward, babies like it. But if you play Vivaldi backwards, they don't like it so much. If I were having a baby... which I'm not. You would completely warp it with all that deathmetal music you play"
"What if we played the deathmetal music backwards. Would that be OK?"
This is getting serious. Piggy could be preggers.
Day 94 Relaxing
Slept in this morning. The boss was not pleased.
"What time do you call this? coming into work four hours late"
"Sure I was late, but don't you know that when you sleep in, your brain goes into overdrive, and that is when you get your best ideas."
"I don't care. I'm docking your wages for 4 hours"
"A relaxing environment is the key to success in terms of creativity."
"I don't need creativity. I need sales to customers. Keep it simple. Plants in, plants out"
"Hey man don't get stressed. You used to be so laid-back. Where are you getting these new strange ideas from?"
"Janna. She has just taught me about the P dream position."
"You what?"
"In our dreams we produce unusual combinations of ideas that can seem surreal, but every once in a while result in an amazingly creative solution to an important problem."
Typical the boss gets his new ideas from sleeping in.
"What time do you call this? coming into work four hours late"
"Sure I was late, but don't you know that when you sleep in, your brain goes into overdrive, and that is when you get your best ideas."
"I don't care. I'm docking your wages for 4 hours"
"A relaxing environment is the key to success in terms of creativity."
"I don't need creativity. I need sales to customers. Keep it simple. Plants in, plants out"
"Hey man don't get stressed. You used to be so laid-back. Where are you getting these new strange ideas from?"
"Janna. She has just taught me about the P dream position."
"You what?"
"In our dreams we produce unusual combinations of ideas that can seem surreal, but every once in a while result in an amazingly creative solution to an important problem."
Typical the boss gets his new ideas from sleeping in.
Monday, September 06, 2004
Day 93 Depression
"Are you saying I'm depressed because I am a woman"
"No Piggy of coure not"
"Women can do the same work as men, yet we don't get paid the same wages"
"That's so true, and so unfair"
"We get used and abused as sex objects, discriminated against in our jobs. Fired if we are pregnant. Fired if we even hint at sexual harrassment in the work place. Tied to the kitchen sink and left to slave over a hot stove, and you wonder why we get depressed?"
"I was only saying..."
"You never listen, that's your problem. You are the one who needs therapy"
"Sorry"
"Don't you sorry me"
"Look I made a mistake"
"To right you did"
"I was upset. I wasn't thinking straight. I was unkind. I should never have said
Iv'e meet many a woman who can act like a man but very few that can act like a gentleman"
With that Piggy ran out sobbing like a cat strung up on barbed wire. All I could do was shrug my shoulders and lift the palms of my hands heavenwards.
"Tell me what did I say wrong... just tell me?"
"No Piggy of coure not"
"Women can do the same work as men, yet we don't get paid the same wages"
"That's so true, and so unfair"
"We get used and abused as sex objects, discriminated against in our jobs. Fired if we are pregnant. Fired if we even hint at sexual harrassment in the work place. Tied to the kitchen sink and left to slave over a hot stove, and you wonder why we get depressed?"
"I was only saying..."
"You never listen, that's your problem. You are the one who needs therapy"
"Sorry"
"Don't you sorry me"
"Look I made a mistake"
"To right you did"
"I was upset. I wasn't thinking straight. I was unkind. I should never have said
Iv'e meet many a woman who can act like a man but very few that can act like a gentleman"
With that Piggy ran out sobbing like a cat strung up on barbed wire. All I could do was shrug my shoulders and lift the palms of my hands heavenwards.
"Tell me what did I say wrong... just tell me?"
Day 92 Periods
Piggy says she don't want to graft no more.
"I got anhedonia"
"Yes?"
"It's like I can't get any pleasure from things that should be pleasureable"
"Mmmmm?"
"It is the number one warning sign that you have become depressed"
"Do you also feel that people are out to get you? That they want to harm you? Spread lies about you behind your back? Sow seeds of doubt about your ability cope? Do you have an overwhealming urge to let the air out of the tyres of any BMW that you see, just in case it might be used as a get away car... used by someone who wants to kidnap you?"
"Yeah... you are so sweet... so sensitive... how do you know these things"
I only smile and say nothing, but I know in my heart of hearts, it's that time of the month again.
"I got anhedonia"
"Yes?"
"It's like I can't get any pleasure from things that should be pleasureable"
"Mmmmm?"
"It is the number one warning sign that you have become depressed"
"Do you also feel that people are out to get you? That they want to harm you? Spread lies about you behind your back? Sow seeds of doubt about your ability cope? Do you have an overwhealming urge to let the air out of the tyres of any BMW that you see, just in case it might be used as a get away car... used by someone who wants to kidnap you?"
"Yeah... you are so sweet... so sensitive... how do you know these things"
I only smile and say nothing, but I know in my heart of hearts, it's that time of the month again.
Day 91 Auli
Auli is doing well in Estonia. He has a big resturant chain, and he plays the harmonica really badly, but nobody would ever tell him that.
When he comes into the centre I say.
"Hey harmonica man how's it blowing?"
"Za lip, she need za fresh bazil. Ah no can play so good wizout za bazil
Auli comes in regular and collects pots of basil for free.
"You happen have za bazil... no???"
"Hey harmonica man we always got the green stuff for you. Special sown. Special grown."
"You come to Tallin. I cook you special soup. Soup you won't forget in a hurry"
"Sure thing Auli. anything you say"
"Stay cool"
Believe me you don't want to mess with anything from Estonia. As far as I am concerned Auli is Little Walter reincarnated.
When he comes into the centre I say.
"Hey harmonica man how's it blowing?"
"Za lip, she need za fresh bazil. Ah no can play so good wizout za bazil
Auli comes in regular and collects pots of basil for free.
"You happen have za bazil... no???"
"Hey harmonica man we always got the green stuff for you. Special sown. Special grown."
"You come to Tallin. I cook you special soup. Soup you won't forget in a hurry"
"Sure thing Auli. anything you say"
"Stay cool"
Believe me you don't want to mess with anything from Estonia. As far as I am concerned Auli is Little Walter reincarnated.
Day 90 Spyware
Jussi returns to the topic of webs.
"Did you know that every keystoke you make on your computer is being sent back to Google or Alexa or Microsoft?
"Well knock me out... is that so?"
"Tons of Sypware and adware are being secretly loaded onto your computer."
"You don't say?"
"Everytime you dowload a porno mpeg, you get a tracker installed on your hardisk"
"Is that right?"
"And they track your bank account details and scan your disk for passwords and pin numbers"
"Well blow me"
"The WEB is becoming a dangerous place... who do you think is behind it all?"
"The Freemasons"
If this was true it was news to Jussi. He left in a perplexed mood, wondering if I was a grandmaster imparting a secret truth to him, who only had a rudimentary knowledge of the craft.
"Did you know that every keystoke you make on your computer is being sent back to Google or Alexa or Microsoft?
"Well knock me out... is that so?"
"Tons of Sypware and adware are being secretly loaded onto your computer."
"You don't say?"
"Everytime you dowload a porno mpeg, you get a tracker installed on your hardisk"
"Is that right?"
"And they track your bank account details and scan your disk for passwords and pin numbers"
"Well blow me"
"The WEB is becoming a dangerous place... who do you think is behind it all?"
"The Freemasons"
If this was true it was news to Jussi. He left in a perplexed mood, wondering if I was a grandmaster imparting a secret truth to him, who only had a rudimentary knowledge of the craft.
Day 89 Earings
Some skateboarders stole some chewing gum from near the checkout and bolt for it.
Some woman in brown, who thinks it is the new black, smiles and says.
"Kids. You've got to love them. The little rascals”
"Not on my time lady"
"Lighten up will you, it was only a few packets of chewing gum, it is not the end of the world"
She came back a few hours later, rather distressed, wanting to know if I’d seen her clip-on gold earings.
"Afraid not mam"
"But they must have droped off while I was walking through the jungle area. If you find them will you let me know?"
"Sure thing"
She left and I called Piggy and asked her around for a rose grafting session. I will give her the earings to wear while we get to work. She will like that.
Some woman in brown, who thinks it is the new black, smiles and says.
"Kids. You've got to love them. The little rascals”
"Not on my time lady"
"Lighten up will you, it was only a few packets of chewing gum, it is not the end of the world"
She came back a few hours later, rather distressed, wanting to know if I’d seen her clip-on gold earings.
"Afraid not mam"
"But they must have droped off while I was walking through the jungle area. If you find them will you let me know?"
"Sure thing"
She left and I called Piggy and asked her around for a rose grafting session. I will give her the earings to wear while we get to work. She will like that.
Day 88
Jussi the postman who is obsessed by Free-masons came in to day.
He siddled up to the counter and looked at me and then looked down at his feet.
I think he was trying to tell me something.
"I have a question for you"
"Yeah?"
"Why don't spiders get caught in their own webs?
"Well you see it is like this spiders are able to spin different types of web. Sticky stuff and non sticky stuff, and when they walk over their webs they are able to walk on the non-sticky stuff"
"Like Teflon... you mean?"
"Exactly... you got it"
He siddled up to the counter and looked at me and then looked down at his feet.
I think he was trying to tell me something.
"I have a question for you"
"Yeah?"
"Why don't spiders get caught in their own webs?
"Well you see it is like this spiders are able to spin different types of web. Sticky stuff and non sticky stuff, and when they walk over their webs they are able to walk on the non-sticky stuff"
"Like Teflon... you mean?"
"Exactly... you got it"
Day 87
Uno has announced that he wants to go to university.
"What will you study?"
"I don't know"
"Well do you have any qualifications to get in?"
"What do you need qualifications for?"
"They won't let you into University if you don't have qualifications"
"Could you write me some qualifications?"
"Sure Uno. How many do you want? I do them at 100 euro a qualification"
"A couple to start off with. I think"
"What will you study?"
"I don't know"
"Well do you have any qualifications to get in?"
"What do you need qualifications for?"
"They won't let you into University if you don't have qualifications"
"Could you write me some qualifications?"
"Sure Uno. How many do you want? I do them at 100 euro a qualification"
"A couple to start off with. I think"
Day 86
People complain about my attitude.
I have been called a liar, a cheat, a moron, rude, insufferable, impolite, uncouth, badass, jerkoff, asswipe, rasclot, bald bigot, idiot, freak, twerp, bird-brain, no good, warped, bent, twisted, greaseball, pervert.
Hey but who cares what customers think?
I have been called a liar, a cheat, a moron, rude, insufferable, impolite, uncouth, badass, jerkoff, asswipe, rasclot, bald bigot, idiot, freak, twerp, bird-brain, no good, warped, bent, twisted, greaseball, pervert.
Hey but who cares what customers think?
Day 85
Today I put up a help wanted poster on the front window.
I am looking for a hosta expert.
Finns are crazy about Hostas.
Then they plant them in full sun in an area infested with slugs
The plants die or get eaten to bits.
This is why I want a Hosta expert. Someone to field the flak, when all the complaints start rolling in.
I won't tell them this of course.
I am looking for a hosta expert.
Finns are crazy about Hostas.
Then they plant them in full sun in an area infested with slugs
The plants die or get eaten to bits.
This is why I want a Hosta expert. Someone to field the flak, when all the complaints start rolling in.
I won't tell them this of course.
Sunday, September 05, 2004
Day 84
"I see you have a sign outside advertising "Spit roasted psychoactive toads"
"So?"
"Well we have just had a call in from the local hospital, that they have picked up 12 skateboarders from the shopping centre, who have been attempting death defying jumps on top of a handrail, that was installed to help the old aged pensioners get down the steps. All of these skateborders complain of impaired vision, the result of which caused each and everyone of them to fall off their skateboad, and straddle the handrail in the most painful fashion. The paramedics reported that they were making sounds which simulated a starter motor turning over in the Finnish winter when the temperature is 20 below"
"So?"
"All of them were incoherant and when questioned could only repeat "Spit roasted psychoactive toads", and since you have a sign which advertises the aforementioned items, we thought it would be prudent to start our investigations here"
"Sorry officer but we don't know anything about toads"
"Then why so you have a sign outside advertising them at 20 euro each"
"Kids... they are always fooling about. Someone else has put up that sign as a joke"
"So you don't know anything about spit roasted psychoactive toads"
"No"
"So?"
"Well we have just had a call in from the local hospital, that they have picked up 12 skateboarders from the shopping centre, who have been attempting death defying jumps on top of a handrail, that was installed to help the old aged pensioners get down the steps. All of these skateborders complain of impaired vision, the result of which caused each and everyone of them to fall off their skateboad, and straddle the handrail in the most painful fashion. The paramedics reported that they were making sounds which simulated a starter motor turning over in the Finnish winter when the temperature is 20 below"
"So?"
"All of them were incoherant and when questioned could only repeat "Spit roasted psychoactive toads", and since you have a sign which advertises the aforementioned items, we thought it would be prudent to start our investigations here"
"Sorry officer but we don't know anything about toads"
"Then why so you have a sign outside advertising them at 20 euro each"
"Kids... they are always fooling about. Someone else has put up that sign as a joke"
"So you don't know anything about spit roasted psychoactive toads"
"No"
Saturday, September 04, 2004
Day 83
Roope came up with the idea.
He passed it on to Virpi.
And Uno, as ever completed the task.
We had spit roast psychoactive toads for breakfast.
Virpi says they taste like chicken.
Roope says they taste like glacial rainbows.
Uno does not say anything.
He is unconcious, having eaten one too many psychoactive toad.
He deserves all he gets.
He passed it on to Virpi.
And Uno, as ever completed the task.
We had spit roast psychoactive toads for breakfast.
Virpi says they taste like chicken.
Roope says they taste like glacial rainbows.
Uno does not say anything.
He is unconcious, having eaten one too many psychoactive toad.
He deserves all he gets.
Friday, September 03, 2004
Day 82
Jussi talked to Virpi, and Virpi talked to Uno, and they came up with a plan.
The plan was to make the Psychoactive Toads even more venomous.
The plan invloved Uno catching all of the toads and letting them loose in the Maryjane house.
The plan involved the frogs eating the Maryjane leaves and hence producing a blended venom.
The plan backfired. The toads stripped the plants bare and died with smiles on their faces.
My head hurts as though it were a bag of feritts fighting over a bone.
That is what happens when you say "OK"
The plan was to make the Psychoactive Toads even more venomous.
The plan invloved Uno catching all of the toads and letting them loose in the Maryjane house.
The plan involved the frogs eating the Maryjane leaves and hence producing a blended venom.
The plan backfired. The toads stripped the plants bare and died with smiles on their faces.
My head hurts as though it were a bag of feritts fighting over a bone.
That is what happens when you say "OK"
Day 81
Found this posted on the inside of the toilet door today.
THEM TOAD SUCKERS
How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods?
Sittin' there suckin' them green toady-frogs.
Suckin' them hop-toads, suckin' them chunkers,
Suckin' them leapy-types, suckin' them plunkers.
Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy?
Suckin' them bog-frogs sure makes 'em happy.
Them hugger-mugger toad suckers, way down south,
Stickin' them sucky-toads in their mouth.
How to be a toad sucker? No way to duck it.
Gittchyself a toad, rear back and suck it!
-- Mason Williams 1964 --
THEM TOAD SUCKERS
How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods?
Sittin' there suckin' them green toady-frogs.
Suckin' them hop-toads, suckin' them chunkers,
Suckin' them leapy-types, suckin' them plunkers.
Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy?
Suckin' them bog-frogs sure makes 'em happy.
Them hugger-mugger toad suckers, way down south,
Stickin' them sucky-toads in their mouth.
How to be a toad sucker? No way to duck it.
Gittchyself a toad, rear back and suck it!
-- Mason Williams 1964 --
Day 80
"Bufo alvarius! that is what we need for our jungle/water area"
"Get what you want, just don't do anything with water that involves Charlie Dimmock, except perhaps drown her in it"
"Living creatures absord all the negative energy. Green tree frogs will bring prosperity"
"Hold on... wait a minute... your bringing in New World Psychoactive Toads"
"Frogs!!!"
"Toads!!!"
"Toads- shmods, Frogs-Blogs, Whatever!!!
Virpi is spending to much time with Roope sleeping out under the motorway.
"Get what you want, just don't do anything with water that involves Charlie Dimmock, except perhaps drown her in it"
"Living creatures absord all the negative energy. Green tree frogs will bring prosperity"
"Hold on... wait a minute... your bringing in New World Psychoactive Toads"
"Frogs!!!"
"Toads!!!"
"Toads- shmods, Frogs-Blogs, Whatever!!!
Virpi is spending to much time with Roope sleeping out under the motorway.
Day 79
These two things I have found out in life. When I say
"So?"
I don't get into trouble but if I say
"OK"
Then I usually find I have catapulted myself straight into the midden.
I must remember to stop saying OK. It never turns out to be good for me when I say that.
To say "OK" is to give in. To say "So?" means you can retain your independance. I mention this to Roope.
He says "Whatever!!!"
"So?"
I don't get into trouble but if I say
"OK"
Then I usually find I have catapulted myself straight into the midden.
I must remember to stop saying OK. It never turns out to be good for me when I say that.
To say "OK" is to give in. To say "So?" means you can retain your independance. I mention this to Roope.
He says "Whatever!!!"
Day 78
Virpi says "We need some heavy stones to concentrate the energy in here"
She breathes down the back of my neck
"And big plants with big leaves"
I try to move out of the way. She is in my face again.
"And water... flowing water"
I lock myself in the toilet
"And if you want to make money then you have to move that wastebasket away from under the till"
"OK OK OK now will you just leave me alone"
Feng-shui me with a barge pole. I should never have said OK.
She breathes down the back of my neck
"And big plants with big leaves"
I try to move out of the way. She is in my face again.
"And water... flowing water"
I lock myself in the toilet
"And if you want to make money then you have to move that wastebasket away from under the till"
"OK OK OK now will you just leave me alone"
Feng-shui me with a barge pole. I should never have said OK.
Thursday, September 02, 2004
Day 77
Virpi says she as Asperger's Syndrome
She says that Feng-shui is a god send.
She loves to move furniture around and set things in order.
She says that Feng-shui is a god send.
She loves to move furniture around and set things in order.
Day 76
Virpi came in to day. She was wearing a tight yellow T-shirt. The lettering across the chest said
Children in the back seat of cars cause accidents
She always was a bit green that girl. A bit of a tree hugger.
When she went out the door I noticed that she had another slogan printed on the back of the T-shirt.
Accidents in the back seat of cars cause children
Guess nobody is going to Feng-shui her then.
Children in the back seat of cars cause accidents
She always was a bit green that girl. A bit of a tree hugger.
When she went out the door I noticed that she had another slogan printed on the back of the T-shirt.
Accidents in the back seat of cars cause children
Guess nobody is going to Feng-shui her then.
Wednesday, September 01, 2004
Day 75
Wore my new sweater to work today. Uno commented on it.
"Nice sweater man"
"Angora wool"
"What kind of sheep is that?"
"It's not a sheep, it's a rabbit"
"Look man you only get wool from sheep"
"You can get an angora cat and and angora goat. Angora goats give you mohair"
"Yeah!!! and you can get angora turtles, big shaggy bastards, when the wool on their backs becomes so heavy and wet they sink to the bottom of the sea, for deapsea divers to collect... dream on man"
"Nice sweater man"
"Angora wool"
"What kind of sheep is that?"
"It's not a sheep, it's a rabbit"
"Look man you only get wool from sheep"
"You can get an angora cat and and angora goat. Angora goats give you mohair"
"Yeah!!! and you can get angora turtles, big shaggy bastards, when the wool on their backs becomes so heavy and wet they sink to the bottom of the sea, for deapsea divers to collect... dream on man"
Day 74
Roope has been hitting the mushrooms.
"What do you think about guide-cats for the blind?"
"Cats are cantankerous. You couldn't train them to lead people around"
"It would be a new market"
"Cats would lead people straight into traffic"
"We could medicate the cats to make them behave like dogs, and be more obedient"
"Knock yourself out."
"What do you think about guide-cats for the blind?"
"Cats are cantankerous. You couldn't train them to lead people around"
"It would be a new market"
"Cats would lead people straight into traffic"
"We could medicate the cats to make them behave like dogs, and be more obedient"
"Knock yourself out."
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