Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Day 168 Flowers

She came into the shop today and said she wanted some flowers for the hairdressers. You know to brighten up the place, make it nice for the customers.

"You know if you made that a standing order we could give you a considerable discount"

"Really? How much?"

"Well if you placed an order for some flowers everyday we could do 50% off"

"50%?" she gasped. Had I offered to little or too much?

"Well if you did it on a regular basis 75% off"

"75%?" she choked. Had I insulted her?

"Well if you had a little display card saying where you got the flowers from, then I think we could give them to you for free"

"Free?" she laughed. I knew I had hit the bullseye.

"And I could deliver them to you at the hairdressers if that is OK"

She shook her head in disbelief and gave me a smile that could have created a universe, or at least a small constellation, and with a Ferrari purr in her voice said.

"See you then"

Day 167 Hair

Going through the shopping centre today I saw her. She is working in a hair dressers. She was dressed like one of those beauticians in Stockmans. White tunic, white flat soled laceup shoes, gossamer white tights.

She looked like an angel. Neat, efficient, caring. I could have sworn she was surrounded by a shining aura. She could have been a hologram, flickering back and forth, in and out of reality. A princess Leah speaking to R2D2.

She was drinking coffee from a white mug. There was a trace of lipstick on the rim. It was the colour of damson. No!!! ripe pomegranate would be nearer the truth. Her lips were glossed.

In her left breast pocket she had a stainless steel comb, and a pair of chrome plated scissors, and on her right breast pocket she had a blue black name badge to match her hair. Britta!

I have absolutely no reason for going into the hairdressers, since I don't have a hair on my head. I shave it all off regularly.

Love will find a way.

Sunday, December 26, 2004

Day 166 Fool

There she was again in the shop. Her fur collar was up around her ears, and her hair was full of static. Wisps and small strands of hair were making trembling electrical movements. I thought she might spark and set herself on fire.

I was facinated by this mysterious movement of her hair, and thought of coral reefs, and blue lagoons, and sea anemones wafted by an underwater current. Outside the snow was deep and it was below zero, but I was naked on a tropical island, and the sun was hot. Too hot, and my mouth was dry, and in the cold Finnish winter I felt that prickly heat in my armpits, and a trickle of sweat down my side.

It didn't register with me when she said "I'll take this red Amyrylis"

I said the first thing that came into my head. "Take it. It's yours for free"

Her lips twitched a couple on millimetres, and her nostrils flared ever so slightly. "Really?"

"Yes completely free... no strings attached.... arrrrgh... what I mean is... it's yours for free... special policy... Christmas policy... goodwill to all men.... eeehh and women... and all that... thousanth customer of the Christmas season... goodwill gesture... and we throw in a free christmas tree as well... would that be OK?"

She pouted "Well it is Boxing day and Christmas is over, and I already have a tree. You're very kind, but the Amyrylis will do just fine" she purred. Her words were like honey dripping off a wooden spoon.

I felt crushed. It was was though someone had taken a six inch stiletto heeled shoe and whacked me on the forehead with it. I wraped up the Amyrylis for her in silence, and tied it up with our best Christmas ribbon, and presented it to her, and at the same time for no reason at all, blurted out "The excellence of a gift is in its appropriateness and not in its value." As soon as I said it I wished I had had a shotgun handy to blow off my foot with both barrels.

She raised one eyebrow, took the package and moved towards the door, and with a wink said, "Bye."

I could have sworn she kissed the air as she left.

Saturday, December 25, 2004

Day 165 Love

There she was in the shop looking for a Star of Bethlehem. She had her back to me and I saw her face in profile. She was talking to a friend, and looking so intently into her friends eyes, that I knew she must be kind.

Her teeth were perfect. Her skin was perfect, and her hair was blueish black like a bruise. She laughed easily and laid a tender hand on her friends forearm as they shared a joke. Her voice was a melody. No that would be wrong. It was more like warm honey. If I could listen to her speak then I would be healed of all my ills.

I wanted to go and ask if I could offer assistance in anyway, and I moved behind her. I squeezed past and as I went my breath was taken away by her loveliness. The freshness of her hair, the perfume on the fur collar of her coat.

As I squeezed past, she turned and smiled at me a crooked smile. Her mouth was perfect and she had a glint and sparkle in her eyes, so beautiful that I nearly melted away. She steped to the side and said "Sorry" and I felt myself disolve.

As she moved away I closed my eyes and took a deep inward breath as though to inhale the goodness of her, and when I open them she was gone.

I am in love.

Thursday, December 16, 2004

Day 164 Roses

A monstrosity of a woman comes in. Her lips are as red as a mid-summer rose.

"Young man, I'm thinking of planting some roses in the spring. I am thinking of perhaps 'Lady Jane' to be precise. Would you be able to advise me if this would be a good purchase?"

"Lady Jane doesn't do well in a bed, but is fantastic up against a wall"

"Excuse me?"


Sunday, December 12, 2004

Day 163 Deal








I wish making money was always that easy. Come in handy for Xmas presents.

DAy 162 Dealing

"I just had the police on the phone." I lied

"Oh yeah... what did they want?"

"Oh nothing special. Something about stolen Xmas trees" I lied

"Yeah, and what did you tell them?

"I told them we have receipts for every Xmas tree that we sell at the centre. We do everything to the letter of the law. Everything above board."


"Yeah receipts, I just crank them out on the bosses PC. They look very official. You wouldn't be wanting some for your Xmas trees would you?"

"Depends on how much they cost"

"Not much... just 50% of your takings"

"50 friggen %... no way"

"Suit yourself" and I walked off leaving Roope to scan the horizon for the flashing blue lights and the siren.

Day 161 Persuasion

I'm like hands in pockets... "Hey Roope... just wondering where you are getting all them trees from. Wholesale are they?"

and he's like backing off... "Nope."

and I'm in his face... "Making a pretty penny on them are you?"

and he's behind a tree hiding... "What's it to you?"

and I'm like hollering it out loud for everyone to hear... "Declaring tax on income?"

and he's like whispering... "What business is it of yours?"

and I'm like pop-eyed mad saying... "I could make it my business."

and he's got eyes like golfballs saying... "Oh yeah?"

I have wound him up sufficiently for the day so I let him stew.

Day 160 Fraud

Those Xmas trees are moving like skitter from the arse of a chimpanzee. Roope must be making a fortune, and him leeching off the council with his rent free flat.

I think I will have a word with him. Sort of say my lips are sealed for a 20% cut of his profits.

Day 159 Xmas

I have never held with selling Xmas trees, basically because it was a tradition introduced by those inbred Germans who took over the english throne. Cutting down trees for them was like cutting off heads for the French during the revolution. Pointless.

Never the less Roope is raking the money in. As fast as he gets a new batch in he sells them all. Hot shite and shovels springs once again to mind.

Day 158 Trees

I don't know where Roope is getting all these Xmas trees from but they are selling. The are moving like hot shite off a shovel.

Thursday, December 02, 2004

Day 157 Scam

Janna is Uno's girlfriend. They deserve each other. It is a case of like attracting like.

Janna says

"If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey, and asks you to take all your clothes off, do not do it! This is a scam; they only want to see you naked. I wish I'd known this yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap now."


Wednesday, December 01, 2004

Day 156 Stink

Got a letter from Roope. Here's what it said.

"Ur letturs stink, an ah don meen ur sentensez. Dem letturs pong anav a gawdawful whiff. OK! Here's wot we're gonna do like. Forget the dooling, instead yews let me an Virpi cell Xmas trees in yer yard an we'll call it quits. OK! An anuver fing wot about onuring ur faver and muvver? Eh? Seems to me u don pay any rent to ur muvver, never get de grub for de frige. So don talk to me abat onur. Har-Har-Har"

Knowing that Roope will have to steal any trees he proposes to sell, and given the fact that I hate Christmas trees, and want nothing to do with them. I agree to the deal.