Friday, May 27, 2005

Day 204 Ots

"I was just thinking that Jussi's surname was Ots. Same as the famous Estonian singer George Ots, and Ots, near as damn it, sounds similar to Oates, Captain Oates who was a member of Captain Robert Falcon Scott's ill-fated expedition to the South Pole in 1911-12, and Oates famous last words were:

"I am just going outside, and may be some time."

So don't you see in the cosmic scheme of things, Jussi just had to disappear with the money, to give us all a chance. Just like Oates, Jussi disappeared and walked off willingly to an unknown fate, in order that we might have a better chance to live."

I think Uno is in serious denial.

Day 203 DuDuDuDuDuDudek

So I asked Uno what Jussi had been saying before he disappeared with the money and Uno said,

"Did you see how Dudek shimmered on the goal line like old Bruce Grobbelaar, legs like jelly, waving arms about, setting up interference patterns. It was a dance from the past, from the final at the Olimpico [in Rome] on 30 May 1984, when Roma just melted away during the penalty shoot out, mesmerised by the wobbly legs of the goalkeeper.

It was a reenactment, a reincarnation, a release of the collective consciousness, a calling up of old demons, a stab at the psyche of the Italians, a voodoo charm, a mojo man rub, a snakeoil annointing, a wootonga song, a Marvin Pontiac solo. In two words "powerful medicine".

But besides all that Jussi told me that Dudek was sending him semiphore signals with those strange hand movements, and the message Dudek was sending was:

Going up now may not be back for some time

Neither of us knew what the message ment until Jussi dissappeared with the money in a flash of blinding light in the forest.

Day 202 Abduction.

So Liverpool won, in a penalty shootout, just like the spacebrothers said would happen, and Jussi and Uno went and picked up their winnings. By my reckoning it was a cool 500,000 euro. Jussi has disappeared and Uno is left with nothing. Uno tells it like this.

"We colected the money in a Lidl plastic bag and Jussi and me went into the forest to celebrate with the spacebrothers. We stepped into a clearing and there was a blinding light and Jussi disappeared with the Lidl bag full of the money."

Uno swears he heard Jussi say as he disappeared.

I am going up now. I may be gone for some time

Uno believes that Jussi has been abducted. Whisked away in the night by the spacebrothers.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Day 201 Final

Jussi and Uno are gloriously drunk. They have those heavy eyelids and greasy lips of of vodka drinkers.

"The Reds will have the edge in the Istanbul, and you know why, I'll tell you why, AC lost Serie A title, rolled over like beaten dogs, surrendered everything to Juventus. You have to fancy Liverpool, really fancy them, cos they are the Reds and the Turkish flag is Red, so you can imagine who the Turks will be supporting. You know that Istanbul comes from the original Greek "eis tin poli" (to the city)"

"Yeah and Milan look jaded physically - and certainly mentally - by losing the Serie A title, so the Reds are on the up, and Milan are on the way down. The space brothers were just saying that the American war against terrorism as a new Crusade against Islam... and Ex-president Bill Clinton has also fingered the Crusades as the root cause of the present world unrest. This is so much more than a football game. It is a fight of red against white, Istanbul against Constantinople, and if you arrange the letters of constantinople you get NIL AC ET NONSTOP which obviously means that AC will score no goals in a nonstop game. I think we should put all our money on a penelty shoot-out at the end of the game."

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Day 200 Ten

I overheard Jussi and Uno discussing the upcoming match in Istanbul.

"When was the last time a Finnish player was in the final of the champions league? Don't bother exerting yourself, I'll tell you it was in 1995, and do you know who it was? Jari!!! when he played for Ajax and he scored the winning goal, and do you know what number he had on his shirt? I'll tell you. It was 10, and guess what 1995+10 equals 2005 which is this years final, and what Finnish player is playing now... don't bother... It's Sami. Sami/Jari, Jari/Sami both names have got four letters. Get it? And what is the number of his shirt 05... all the best centre-halfs wear the number 5. You see it all adds up. It's like everything is slotting into place. It's mathematicaly so beautiful. The money is as good as in the bank. Do you need any more convincing that Liverpool will win?"

"That's deep man. How did you work all of that out?"

Jussi rubbed the side of his nose and gave nod and a wink. "Spacebrothers"

Monday, May 09, 2005

Day 199 Red

Uno says the "spacebrothers" have been talking to Jussi again. They have said that Liverpool will wear their traditional red home kit for the Champions League final against AC Milan on 25 May. Milan were due to wear their usual red and black stripes after being drawn as the 'home' team. But the two clubs have agreed that the Italians will play in white - which they wore while beating Juventus to claim the Champions League in 2003.

Liverpool's four previous European Cup victories have come while wearing red against teams playing in white. So they are going to fill their boots at 5/2.

I don't believe this. Remember you are reading this 15 days before the final.

Jussi says the "spacebrothers" rule.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Day 198 Milan

I told Jussi the Italians never do well away from home.

He said "Whatever"

I tried to persude Uno not to be foolish with his money

He said "Liverpool will win so the money is already in the bank"

"But your marvellous plan only works if Milan gets through to the final"

Can you believe it PSV beats Milan 3-1 and the aggregate over the two legs is 3-3 and Milan goes through to the final on the way goals rule.

Those bastards are sniggering at me and lighting cuban cigars with 5 euro notes.

The spacebrothers have spoken.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Day 197 Anfield

Liverpool beat Chelsea 1-0

Looks like it is Apocalypse Now in Instanbul, when Liverpool plays AC Milan in the final. Jussi and Uno now have 100,000 euros. They are off to celebrate with the "spacebrothers" in the forest. Apparently Roope knows where they hang out.

Roope threw in his lot with Jussi and Uno, and backed his unemployment benifit money he had been getting from KELA. He is 4790 euros richer, and he happens to know that the spacebrothers like Koskenkorva.

Monday, May 02, 2005

Day 196 Spacebrothers

The spacebrothers have told Jussi that Liverpool will beat Chelsea 1-0 at Anfield. They are betting all of their winnings from the last game.

They want me to come in along with them. It is a safe bet and they can't loose. They would only get 5/2 if they said Liverpool would win but since they are predicting a 1-0 win the old will be bumped up to 10/1

So if the "spacebrothers" are right they should have 100,000 euros in the bank tomorrow night.

Now I ask you would you believe anything Jussi or Uno says. Just take a look at them. Arse hanging out of their trousers, and shoes down at the heel. That really does not put me off them. What gets me is the small specks of white spit that collects at the corners of their mouth when they talk.

"Are you in or not?" says Jussi

"I'll just check with the "spacebrothers" and see what they say, and I'll get back to you... OK?"

"Good thinking... you won't regret it."

Day 195 Loony

Uno is mightily impressed by the Raving Loony Party of Great Britain, and thinks that the Finnish government should adopt some of their policies.

Economy: We will issue a 99p coin to save on change.
Education: Bright pupils will be provided with dimmer switches.
Political reform: The House of Lords will become the House of Cards, to make it easier to deal with.
Transport: All cars will be converted to run on Venos to help stop congestion.
Home Affairs: The Millennium Bridge will be made wobbly again, by building a pub at either end.
Law and Order: Anyone caught breaking the law will be made to mend it.
Immigration: Everyone wanting to come and live in the UK will be made welcome, so long as they are over the age of 85 and accompanied by both parents.
Sport: Boxing will be made obligatory for people we don’t like.
Football: All footballers will be made to wear flip-flops to make the game more interesting
Environment: All people that think that they have a right to roam will need permission from the Pope.
National Anthem: In future the National Anthem will be ‘Bring Me Sunshine’ as sung by Morecambe and Wise. It is quicker, more tuneful and people know the words.

Dat 194 Meditation

Uno told me that Buhdists refuse to take any anesthetics when they go to the dentists, because they are into Transcend dental medication.