Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Day 168 Flowers

She came into the shop today and said she wanted some flowers for the hairdressers. You know to brighten up the place, make it nice for the customers.

"You know if you made that a standing order we could give you a considerable discount"

"Really? How much?"

"Well if you placed an order for some flowers everyday we could do 50% off"

"50%?" she gasped. Had I offered to little or too much?

"Well if you did it on a regular basis 75% off"

"75%?" she choked. Had I insulted her?

"Well if you had a little display card saying where you got the flowers from, then I think we could give them to you for free"

"Free?" she laughed. I knew I had hit the bullseye.

"And I could deliver them to you at the hairdressers if that is OK"

She shook her head in disbelief and gave me a smile that could have created a universe, or at least a small constellation, and with a Ferrari purr in her voice said.

"See you then"

Day 167 Hair

Going through the shopping centre today I saw her. She is working in a hair dressers. She was dressed like one of those beauticians in Stockmans. White tunic, white flat soled laceup shoes, gossamer white tights.

She looked like an angel. Neat, efficient, caring. I could have sworn she was surrounded by a shining aura. She could have been a hologram, flickering back and forth, in and out of reality. A princess Leah speaking to R2D2.

She was drinking coffee from a white mug. There was a trace of lipstick on the rim. It was the colour of damson. No!!! ripe pomegranate would be nearer the truth. Her lips were glossed.

In her left breast pocket she had a stainless steel comb, and a pair of chrome plated scissors, and on her right breast pocket she had a blue black name badge to match her hair. Britta!

I have absolutely no reason for going into the hairdressers, since I don't have a hair on my head. I shave it all off regularly.

Love will find a way.

Sunday, December 26, 2004

Day 166 Fool

There she was again in the shop. Her fur collar was up around her ears, and her hair was full of static. Wisps and small strands of hair were making trembling electrical movements. I thought she might spark and set herself on fire.

I was facinated by this mysterious movement of her hair, and thought of coral reefs, and blue lagoons, and sea anemones wafted by an underwater current. Outside the snow was deep and it was below zero, but I was naked on a tropical island, and the sun was hot. Too hot, and my mouth was dry, and in the cold Finnish winter I felt that prickly heat in my armpits, and a trickle of sweat down my side.

It didn't register with me when she said "I'll take this red Amyrylis"

I said the first thing that came into my head. "Take it. It's yours for free"

Her lips twitched a couple on millimetres, and her nostrils flared ever so slightly. "Really?"

"Yes completely free... no strings attached.... arrrrgh... what I mean is... it's yours for free... special policy... Christmas policy... goodwill to all men.... eeehh and women... and all that... thousanth customer of the Christmas season... goodwill gesture... and we throw in a free christmas tree as well... would that be OK?"

She pouted "Well it is Boxing day and Christmas is over, and I already have a tree. You're very kind, but the Amyrylis will do just fine" she purred. Her words were like honey dripping off a wooden spoon.

I felt crushed. It was was though someone had taken a six inch stiletto heeled shoe and whacked me on the forehead with it. I wraped up the Amyrylis for her in silence, and tied it up with our best Christmas ribbon, and presented it to her, and at the same time for no reason at all, blurted out "The excellence of a gift is in its appropriateness and not in its value." As soon as I said it I wished I had had a shotgun handy to blow off my foot with both barrels.

She raised one eyebrow, took the package and moved towards the door, and with a wink said, "Bye."

I could have sworn she kissed the air as she left.

Saturday, December 25, 2004

Day 165 Love

There she was in the shop looking for a Star of Bethlehem. She had her back to me and I saw her face in profile. She was talking to a friend, and looking so intently into her friends eyes, that I knew she must be kind.

Her teeth were perfect. Her skin was perfect, and her hair was blueish black like a bruise. She laughed easily and laid a tender hand on her friends forearm as they shared a joke. Her voice was a melody. No that would be wrong. It was more like warm honey. If I could listen to her speak then I would be healed of all my ills.

I wanted to go and ask if I could offer assistance in anyway, and I moved behind her. I squeezed past and as I went my breath was taken away by her loveliness. The freshness of her hair, the perfume on the fur collar of her coat.

As I squeezed past, she turned and smiled at me a crooked smile. Her mouth was perfect and she had a glint and sparkle in her eyes, so beautiful that I nearly melted away. She steped to the side and said "Sorry" and I felt myself disolve.

As she moved away I closed my eyes and took a deep inward breath as though to inhale the goodness of her, and when I open them she was gone.

I am in love.

Thursday, December 16, 2004

Day 164 Roses

A monstrosity of a woman comes in. Her lips are as red as a mid-summer rose.

"Young man, I'm thinking of planting some roses in the spring. I am thinking of perhaps 'Lady Jane' to be precise. Would you be able to advise me if this would be a good purchase?"

"Lady Jane doesn't do well in a bed, but is fantastic up against a wall"

"Excuse me?"


Sunday, December 12, 2004

Day 163 Deal








I wish making money was always that easy. Come in handy for Xmas presents.

DAy 162 Dealing

"I just had the police on the phone." I lied

"Oh yeah... what did they want?"

"Oh nothing special. Something about stolen Xmas trees" I lied

"Yeah, and what did you tell them?

"I told them we have receipts for every Xmas tree that we sell at the centre. We do everything to the letter of the law. Everything above board."


"Yeah receipts, I just crank them out on the bosses PC. They look very official. You wouldn't be wanting some for your Xmas trees would you?"

"Depends on how much they cost"

"Not much... just 50% of your takings"

"50 friggen %... no way"

"Suit yourself" and I walked off leaving Roope to scan the horizon for the flashing blue lights and the siren.

Day 161 Persuasion

I'm like hands in pockets... "Hey Roope... just wondering where you are getting all them trees from. Wholesale are they?"

and he's like backing off... "Nope."

and I'm in his face... "Making a pretty penny on them are you?"

and he's behind a tree hiding... "What's it to you?"

and I'm like hollering it out loud for everyone to hear... "Declaring tax on income?"

and he's like whispering... "What business is it of yours?"

and I'm like pop-eyed mad saying... "I could make it my business."

and he's got eyes like golfballs saying... "Oh yeah?"

I have wound him up sufficiently for the day so I let him stew.

Day 160 Fraud

Those Xmas trees are moving like skitter from the arse of a chimpanzee. Roope must be making a fortune, and him leeching off the council with his rent free flat.

I think I will have a word with him. Sort of say my lips are sealed for a 20% cut of his profits.

Day 159 Xmas

I have never held with selling Xmas trees, basically because it was a tradition introduced by those inbred Germans who took over the english throne. Cutting down trees for them was like cutting off heads for the French during the revolution. Pointless.

Never the less Roope is raking the money in. As fast as he gets a new batch in he sells them all. Hot shite and shovels springs once again to mind.

Day 158 Trees

I don't know where Roope is getting all these Xmas trees from but they are selling. The are moving like hot shite off a shovel.

Thursday, December 02, 2004

Day 157 Scam

Janna is Uno's girlfriend. They deserve each other. It is a case of like attracting like.

Janna says

"If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey, and asks you to take all your clothes off, do not do it! This is a scam; they only want to see you naked. I wish I'd known this yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap now."


Wednesday, December 01, 2004

Day 156 Stink

Got a letter from Roope. Here's what it said.

"Ur letturs stink, an ah don meen ur sentensez. Dem letturs pong anav a gawdawful whiff. OK! Here's wot we're gonna do like. Forget the dooling, instead yews let me an Virpi cell Xmas trees in yer yard an we'll call it quits. OK! An anuver fing wot about onuring ur faver and muvver? Eh? Seems to me u don pay any rent to ur muvver, never get de grub for de frige. So don talk to me abat onur. Har-Har-Har"

Knowing that Roope will have to steal any trees he proposes to sell, and given the fact that I hate Christmas trees, and want nothing to do with them. I agree to the deal.

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Day 155 Honour

I wrote Roope a letter. Here's what I said.

Look I admit I have made mistakes in the past, and I am sorry for all that has been said about you and Virpi. It was wrong of me to suggest that she had done a Boris Becker in the broom cupboard with Uno.

Even although until recently you have been sleeping rough in the tunnel under the West Way I wholeheartedly believe that since you have moved into a council flat your sensibilities have become so much sharper and you have become the archetypal man of honour who remains ever alert for any insult, actual or suspected, that would impugn your dignity.

I am fully aware that you have challenged me to a duel, and I would like to bring to your attention a matter of dueling ettiquette. Namely duels are fought between members of the same social class, and since you have moved up in the world, (living in a selfcontained one room apartment) and I remain so low, (living with my mother) you must realise that if you were to soil your hands on a ruffian such as myself, the mere act would stain your reputation in the eyes of decent society.

Therefore I beg of you, take pity on yourself, for if you continue to persue this reckless desire for blood letting, you will find yourself ostracized by the community, for a man of honour is also a man who exercises mercy and forgiveness"

I farted in the envelope and posted the letter to him without a stamp.

Monday, November 29, 2004

Day 154 Duel

Jussi comes in he is no more edgey than usual. He always has a kind of nervousness to him. Always expecting someone to jump out at him from the shadows, or a very heavy weight to fall on him from a great height. It is because he is so steeped in conspiricy theories.

"Roope sent me around."

"Oh yeah. So?"

"He feels you have insulted him and Virpi. It is a question of honour, and he is challenging you to a duel. He has asked me to act as his second."

"Oh yeah, and what are we going to use for weapons... snowballs?"

"You have to find yourself a second and get him to come and discuss that with me. Protocol you know"

"Well friends are a bit thin on the ground at the moment, so I can't come up with a second, so you will have to tell Roope the duel is off. Protocol you know"

"It's not to the death or anything like that... first blood and then it is over, honour satisfied."

"You mean to say that at the sight of blood all the old debts are cancelled, all the wrongs I have done to Roope, all the lies and all the cheating will be forgotten?"

"Yep! and if he could scar you for life that would be a bonus. A sort of testimony that things have been sorted between you two"

"Get bent"

Day 153 Rage

Roope comes storming in. He looks like he has had his nuts squeezed in a vice. He is a putrid yellow with rage. He could have been soaked in month old piss and sun-dried. He was so bitter, sour, and yellow, which was lucky, if he had been red with rage, then I know I would have been in trouble.

"So it was all lies that you told me about Virpi and Uno?"

"Yes but..."

"No buts... how could you do this?"

"It was Virpi's idea. She thought it up. Wanted to see how you would react. See if you really loved her." I lied.

"What? I cant believe my ears here."

"Check it out. She won't admit it, but honest, between you and me, it was her idea."

Roope leaves with his eyes crossed, looking like he had been hit on the back of the head with a baseball bat. He had a stooped forward "I'm gonna get you" look on his face.

It is better that they argue with each other, rather than with me.

Friday, November 26, 2004

Day 152 Liar

For some reason I was pissed off at Roope. Maybe it was because the council had given him an appartment and was paying his rent. Him who has never done an honest days work in his life is no longer sleeping in a tunnel under the WestWay, but instead is warm and comfy in a one room apartment. So to make him feel less comfortable I told him Virpi was having an affair with Uno.

Virpi comes storming into the centre and her tits are on fire.

"You're a goddamned liar"

"No I'm not"

"Yes you are"

"No I'm not"

"Yes you are"

I relent. This conversation is going nowhere.

"Yes I am"


"I'm a goddamned liar"

"So you admit it?

"Yes. I lie all the time. I lie for my own safety. I lie to make other people miserable. I blame other people for things they didn't do. I blame other people for the wrong things I do. I lie to keep secrets. I cover up things that I don't want other people to know, with a veil of lies. I lie when I get drunk cos that's what you do. Because life is boring I lie to spice things up. I lie because it makes me feel alive. Lying keeps me on my toes. Lying keeps my mind active. Lying exercises my memory. To be a good liar you need to have an exceptional memory to remember all the untruths you have told.

Virpi interupts. "But what about truth? What about trust? What about respect?"

"Yeah I suppose I can see your point" I lied.

Day 151 Sneeze

No matter how accurate your aim, and even with the best intention in the world, if you sneeze while you are having a slash, you are going to spray the floor.

Women will never be able to understand this.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Day 150 Queues

I have a hangover. I want to make people feel as bad as I do. There is nothing worse than standing in a queue that is not moving, so I get behind the counter.

A fat blonde with bright red lipstick steps up to the counter with an amaryllis and smiles at me. I ignore her. Her makeup and mascara will run before she gets served.

A couple of kids, hot in winter suits joins the queue behind her. I give them a John Wayne salute, and a smile, then pretend to be looking for something under the counter. I am going to make them sweat.

A thin stick of a man with a couple of small iciles hanging from his moustache gets behind the kids. He is struggling to hold a slippery 20kg bag of peat. That bag is going to get heavier. I find a ball of string that has been unravelled and I stand and look at the growing queue and begin to wind the loose end of the string up into a ball. I whistle while I work.

A fat porker in a bomber jacket joins the back of the queue. He is hopping from foot to foot. Fit to fart, or pressured for a pish. He will have to exert extreme bladder and sphincter control, because this queue is not moving. I pick up a pile of receipts and begin to feed numbers into a calculator. I ignore the lot of them.

"Excuse me could we have some service?" says the porker at the back of the queue.

"What?" I say pretending I haven't heard him.

He shifts his weight from one leg to the other. I guess he is trying not to fart. Not in a public place, and especially not in a queue.

"I said..." and he leans forward and lets one rip, "Can we have some service?"

Everyboby turns around and looks at him. He gets embarrassed. When somebody is dangling on a hook like that you don't let them off easy. So I said.

"Did you just make that monsterous fart? That god awful smell that's polluting the shop and causing the plants to wilt?"

"Never mind who did what... how about some service?

"Sorry mate, no can do"

"What do you mean, no can do"

"The till"

"The till, what's wrong with the till"

"Nothing... it's just that I am not allowed to use it. Boss doesn't trust me because of my criminal record"

"Well get someone who can operate the till"

"Ok Ok, keep your shirt on"

I go off to the coffee room and pour myself a coffee and sit down and read the newspaper. Outside the queue gets longer. Uno comes in and I say to him.

"Go out and serve the customers at the till"

"But you know I don't do maths, and the boss wont let me on the till"

"Just get out there and serve the customers until that queue is finnished"

Uno slouches out to the counter to serve the customers.

I feel better already.

Saturday, November 20, 2004

Day 149 Crotch

It is skateboys last day. I am glad he has done his time. I couldn't have taken one more day of him walking around grabbing his crotch. I said to him

"Why do you keep on grabbing your crotch"

"Waddja mean grabbing my crotch, I dondoda" he said grabbing his crotch

"You just did. Right there in front of me. You grabbed your crotch"

"Me? grab my crotch, no freaking way man"

I think his yeast infection is playing up, either that or he has been watching too many Eminem videos. A whole generation of young men are growing up grabbing their crotch. What is the world coming to? Nobody puts their hand down the top of their trousers any more.

Friday, November 19, 2004

Day 148 Conflict.

The boss was taking a dig at me for taking time off work yesterday. He gave me a right hosing down in front of Uno. Uno didn't say a word in my defence. Didn't even mention it was my birthday. So after the boss left, I hit him with my aphorism.

"In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."

He just blinked, and I realised I had wasted it on him. Uno never speaks very much anyways.

So much for Martin Luther King Jr.

Day 147 Birthday

It is my birthday today. I decided not to go into work. I stayed at home and looked up aphorisms on the internet. I found one that I like. I will have to look out for suitable situations where I can say it, and claim it as my own.

Day 146 Gladioli

I have never been able to handle, or touch, far less look at Gladioli, since that singer Morrissey had some hanging out the back pocket of his jeans at some concert of his.

It gives me the shudders just to imagine it.

Friday, November 05, 2004

Day 145 Music

The skateboy gives me a Westside salute palms down. I ignore him.

"Did you see that Eminem Mosh video? I mean he is out there man, motivating the youth, getting them to the polls, keeping it real, then there was all them old rockers against Bush, like Bruce Whatyoumacallum, and Jackson Whatever.

He grabs the crotch of his trousers and gives it a yank. Why the crotch has to be down around his knees I don't know

"MTV should have kicked ass and got the job done for Kerry, but no, it is the Country Singers that swing it for Bush. Did you see that map, of who won, what state. It was just a big swatch of red through the heartland, where them red-necks and bible-bashers listen to Dolly Parton, and Earle Scruggs"

He flips his baseball cap to the side so the peak is over his left ear.

"Can you believe it? Country music got George Bush elected"

I can believe it an it makes me glad, since it pisses Skateboy off.

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Day 144 Skateboy.

So we cut a deal. A deal that was not good for us, and a deal that was not good for him. We don't want him working for us, and he doesn't want to work for us. The deal is called community service, but the law and the lawyers are satisfied, and if you can keep the law and lawyers out of your life then things are so much easier. So much better.

So we are willing to have skateboy work at the centre for a week, just so we don't have to have another conversation with a lawyer.

It is the lesser of two evils.

Monday, November 01, 2004

Day 143 Infection

"Our client has been in contact with a specialist at the STD centre in Espoo and they are of the opinion that the combination of fungal and yeast infection could only have come from an over-ripe pumpkin"


"Furthermore we will be taking legal action against your company on two counts, namely the slanderous accusations that have been made against our client regarding his aformentioned assignation with a pumpkin on your establishment"

"Hold on a second"

"And we will be exacting maximum claims for damages, since our client has suffered ridicule and scorn over this pumpkin incident, and we will also claim for full medical expenses for the ongoing treatment of his fungal/yeast infection."

"Let me get this clear. He screws a pumpkin, gets infected, and everybody laughs at him, and he wants to sue us?"


"Dream on"

"However my client is of the opinion that if all charges are droped agaist him regarding criminal damage, then he would be willing to forget the whole matter. We would strongly advise you that the adverse publicity generated by this case, if it is taken to court, would serverely have a negative impact on the sales of plants from you emporium, and I am sure you would wish to avoid any circumstances that would lead to the damage of your reputation as a high class garden centre selling quality produce"

That's what you get. First you bring in halloween from America, and the next thing you know you have opened the door for American style lawyers. They speak so fine but they don't make much sense.

Saturday, October 30, 2004

Day 142 Charges

Got a call from the police station.

"Do you want to press charges for criminal damage of those pumpkins?"

"What do you mean? Do I have to give statements, or go to court, or appear as a witness, or identify the skaters at a lineup?"

"Well if the due process of the law has to be followed then yes it would involve some of those things"

I thought for a moment. Do I really want to get involved with punks who don't tie their shoes laces, and don't have enough sense to buy trousers that fit them properly at the crotch. Punks who are perpared to walk around with the arse of their trousers at their knees, and hip pockets at their ankles. Punks who wear wooly hats indoors, and have goatee beards that look as though they have black licorice spittle running down their chins. No way, so I said.

"Couldn't I just hit them a couple of times with a baseball bat?"

"I'm afraid Sir we could not condone that. It is not for citezens to take the law into their own hands"

"Forget it then "

Thursday, October 28, 2004

Day 141 Pumpkins

It was getting dark and a skater boy was down among the pumpkins out back. He was doing something wrong with that pumpkin. Not practicing any skateboard moves I can tell you. There was some serious trouser snake action going on.

I called the cops.

They arrive and caught him red handed on the job.

"Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are doing unspeakable things to that pumpkin?"

He was startled at first, but he just hitched up his baggy pants and looked at the cop and said

"A pumpkin? Damn, is it midnight already?"

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Day 140 Ghosts

Couple of kids came into the store dressed up as ghosts.

"Can we buy a couple of pumpkins?"

"No, we don't sell pumpkins to ghosts"

The sniggered happily "But we are not ghosts really"

"Then why are you dressed up as ghosts?


"Tell you what, the pumpkins are for free if you can tell me why you dress up as ghosts on Halloween"

"Cos it's fun"

"So you are fun ghosts huh!"

"Naw, we're scarry ghosts, and we frighten people"

"Well you don't frighten me, so beat it"

They left the shop crying since I had not joined in their stupid game.

A prune faced old spinster who had been listening in said

"That was a bit harsh. They were only little kids having a bit fun"

and I said to her.

"And you can take that halloween mask off was well"

"But I am not wearing a mask"

"You could have fooled me"

Monday, October 25, 2004

Day 139 Darkness

Why are those clouds so dark and sneering, Blotting out the sun. The flowers on the clemitis are straining to open. Their lower leaves are turning yellow. Everything is going to sleep. Closing down. Shutting up shop.

In desperation we will stock piles of pumpkins for halloween. Now there is a festival of death. All saints day, all hells day more like it. It is as if human kind realises that winter will soon be apon us and wants one last fling to celebrate life.

The children dress as witches and skeletons and believe that the lost souls who haunt the night air would not want to come and possess them... but darkness attracts darkness.

This halloween I will dress as an angel.

Friday, October 22, 2004

Day 138 Frost

What do you do in a garden centre when the winter comes along. When the branches of the weeping birch hang heavy with rain. When the mornings combine frost and fog, and the sun creeps along the horizon, blinking it's sleepy eyes and nodding its weary head.

The birds use all of their energies to move away. Swans wait for their young to strenthen their wings. They lift their necks high and beat the air with practise strokes, as if to say we must be on our way.

Squirrels hunch forward and bring their forepaws up to their face as though to wipe away a tear. Flowers decay and keel over.

A dusting of frost stands at attention on benches and fences, each crystal erect and defiant. Soon the gates will be closing, and the sales of plants will shrivel, and become as hard and tight as the heart of a witch in winter.

Thursday, October 21, 2004

Day 137 Hepatotoxins

"My liver... it must be damaged by all the alcohol I have been drinking. I wonder if that green gunk you gave me yesterday has anything to do with it?"

"Look if you have got any complaints with the water quality of the water from the pond out back, then I would take it up with Charlie Dimmock. There might have been a bit of blue green algea in there but what the hell, but we are not talking major hepatotoxins here are we? Or neurotoxins for that matter."

Personally I am a bit worried about that nervous tick Jussi have developed on his cheek underneath his left eye

Ref: Cyanobacteria and toxins

Day 136 Fish


"Relax Jussi, how about some lovely smetana with onion to go along with this beautiful salmon roe. See how it shines golden in the sunlight"

Ref: Listeria and fish

Day 135 Ergot

"Have you ever heard of ergot poisoning?"

"Can't say's I have Jussi... would you like some rye bread?"

Ref: ergot and rye

Day 134 Peanut

"Did I tell you about aflatoxins?"

"No Jussi... have a peanut"

Ref: Aflatoxins and peanut butter

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Day 133 Colon

"It's the period of time that you keep the stuff inside you. I mean to say it is waste after all, and it should not be in there for very long. Eleven days is too long don't you think? That's where you get cancer of the colon. It is worrying, and junk food just makes it worse, cos there is no roughage. It's like flushing babies nappies down the bog. The tubes are going to get blocked. There is going to be a stink, and trouble."

"Look Jussi this is a garden centre. Well sell flowers. We are not doctors. Even though your bowel movements are of tremendous interest to you, frankly we are finding these conversations tedious. Boring to the degree, that listening to you and your intestinal disturbances borders on a near death experiance."


"No buts. Drop it"


"Look!! no hard feeling mate. Let's go out for a burger after work. What do you say?"

Sunday, October 17, 2004

Day 132 Calories

"Do you realy think it is important to have a balance diet?"

"Here's what I think...

Negative calories - lose weight while you eat!
What a promise divine - what a sugary treat.
Pudding and pies - beans and peas
Buy anything - just eat what you please

Salt and ice-cream - belly fat pork
There is no difference - between butter or Stork.
Now there is a promise - you just can't beat.
Negative calories - lose weight while you eat!

Triple quarter pounder -where does it stop
Eat what you like - if it's got lettuce on top
Blubber and skin - and fast frozen meat
Negative calories - lose weight while you eat!

The more you eat - the more weight you loose
Buy what you want - no need to choose
Mix yoghut and garlic - they'll go down a treat
Negative calories - lose weight while you eat!

Make your body - a fat burning machine!
Drink olive oil - it's exceptionally clean
Dress your salad - with hard skin from your feet
Negative calories - lose weight while you eat!

You don't need to fast - you don't need to pray
Just double your intake of food everyday.
No charts to offend - no weightwatchers to cheat
Negative calories - lose weight while you eat!

Flatten your stomach - get rid of the flab
Eat oysters and whelks - and fine Cromer crab
Just keep on eating - never admit to defeat
Negative calories - lose weight while you eat!

Just be amazed - watch the pounds disappear
For breakfast drink - a six pack of beer
Just don't mix protein - along with your wheat
Negative calories - lose weight while you eat!

Speed eat your food - and make your pulse race.
Use lots of energy - getting food to your face.
Your heart must pound - with a rhythmical beat
Negative calories - lose weight while you eat!"

"Are you saying that with some foods, you burn up more calories just digesting them, than what you get from eating them?"


Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Day 131 FastFood

"Do you get much roughage?" says Jussi


"Do you know anything about average throughput time"

"No! and if I know where this is leading I don't think I want to know"

"Well in Africa some tribes they eat lots of veg and get lots of roughage. They got them to eat a dye along with their food and then timed the average throughput time. It was fast. Faster than anything in the West, and alot lot faster than people who eat fast foods."

"So what you are telling me is that if you eat fast foods then your your average throughput time it long?

"Yeah we are talking big time walnut in the nylon sock constipation"


"Well I have been eating rye bread, and taking linseed seeds with my acidofilus yoghurt, and drinking 3 litres of water a day, and you wouldn't guess what my average throughput time is"

"Tell me"

"Ten days and nothing has happened. I think something is wrong with my system"

"Tough shit man"

Day 130 Poo

"Working in a garden centre you must have to handle a lot of different sorts of poo."


"Like chicken and horse and the like"

Jussi slides up to me and out of the corner of his mouth says in a discreet whisper

"What do you think of your own poo?"

"Nothing. I do it and flush it. End of story"

"Did you see that movie about the madness of King George?"


"Well the doctors were always looking at his poo and his wee-wee"

"Were they perverts or something?"

"No! now we know he had a condition called porphyria variegata. That is why he was having hallucinations, and doing all sorts of crazy things, like loosing America. They reckon that that Vincent van Gogh suffered from attacks of acute intermittent porphyria, made worse by malnutrition and absinthe abuse. "

"Yeah! drinking that stuff turned Toulouse Lautrec into a stunted dwarf."

"Some people claim that vampire stories are associated with porphyria The disease disrupts the production of heme. People with porphyria can be so sensitive to sunlight. It causes them to be nocturnal and avoid all light. People with porphyria can also have red eyes and teeth, resulting from buildup of red heme intermediates. That is the stuff of legends"


"Well do you think a persons well being can be determined from looking at their poo?"

"You mean, is it is as slick as a bobby's baton, or like a nylon sock filled with walnuts?"

Jussi's eyes brighten up since I have obviously been describing some of his efforts on the throne.

"Yeah! You've got it. Precisely"

"Well to paraphrase Clark Gable in "Gone with the Wind" `Frankly my dear I don't give a shit`"

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

Day 129 Memory

Virpi is all excited. She does this thing with her face when she is trying to get an idea out of her head. Sort of closes her eyelids and flutters her eyelashes as though she were having an icecream head-ache. At the same time she sucks her cheeks in as though she had bitten into something sour.

"It's called ground zero"

"What is?"

"This new radical technique for erasing bad memories. You see most of the junk in our heads is excess bagage. Like a locker room at the station. Filled with rubbish no-one will collect. Totally unneccessary"


"Well you get a completely clean slate. Tabla Rasa. It completely clears your mind"

She struggled the eyelashes flickered and the mouth puckered.

"Doesn't that sound good?"

I pretended I had not been listening.

"Sorry what did you say? I wasn't really listening. I seem to have forgotten what we were talking about."

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

Day 128 Joke

"Do you want to hear a joke?"

"Not really Uno. I have no time for fooling around"

"It's really funny. You'll like it. It will make you laugh"

"OK go ahead then"

"Well there was this red-head... no wait a minute, there was this blonde with really long hair... no she had short hair, really short hair, and anyway she got what do you call it, that thing where their bellies grow big like a balloon, but not like a balloon exactly, not filled with air or anything, but you know that balloonish type shape, but not the colour of a balloon either, because a big blue belly would be stupid, wouldn't it?"


"Well she's got this condition see, and she goes to her girlfriends who's a brunette, well not really a brunette, she's a blonde as well but she's had her hair dyed green, but it all went horribly wrong, and she is thinking of suing the hairdresser"

"So she's pregnant?"

"Yeah that was the word I was looking for, couldn't remember it for the life of me. Sometimes my brain is like a pack of rats in a bag. What did you say that word was again?"


"Yeah she was prefernent and she turns and says to her mate. She says to her mate." Uno looks confused "Wait, just hold on a mo' it is coming to me. Right on the tip of my tongue. She says to her mate. She turns to her mate and says"

"Do you think it's mine"

"Yeah that's it. Good joke eh?"


"Glad you liked it... see I told you, you would like it"

Day 127 Standards

"So how is Uno?"

"Works well when under constant supervision and when cornered like a rat in a trap."

"Yes but does he hold his own"

"Are you saying what I think you are saying?"

"I mean is his work adequate?"

"He has delusions of adequacy. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

"But does he get on with the other workers?"

"He would argue with a signpost. He has a knack for making strangers with everyone immediately. He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

"When I have talked to him he seems OK"

"If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the one doing the talking."

"But do you think he is teachable?"

"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargles. All in all it's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg."

I always put in a good word for Uno when he is up for promotion.

Day 126 J-Lo

And she's like "Whatever!!!"

And I'm like "You what?"

And she goes "In your dreams mate"

And I'm cool with that like "No big deal"

And she flips out "Knock yourself out then"

And I'm like "Uh Huh?"

So she snorts "Go twist your knickers"

And I laugh like "I'm butt naked right?"

And she's like "Impress me, dog's breath"

And I'm like "Whoa there... no need to get personal"

So she goes "RatBoy"

And that's it. I've had it with her up to here, and I say

"Your bum does look big in that"

Then there is this long silence. The feeling that I have overstepped the line. Entered into some territory that should never be mentioned. Just an ackward silence hanging in the air. She rushed out in tears. As she went, as some slim consolation I shouted after her.

"J-Lo has a big butt too"

She was gone and didn't stop to listen.

Day 125 Kafka

The twin set tweedie with the astrakahn collar minces up to the counter and sniffs.

"Your deportment young man leaves a lot to be desired"


"Your slovenly appearence is upsetting to the patrons of this garden centre"


"You will soon be turning this emporium into something that resembles the grubby little dives that you no doubt inhabit, bars where you can drink cheap blended whisky, and bad imported extra strength lager, and the conversations are more about football than Kafka"

"Kafka!!! Was he the mid-fielder from Sparta Prague who tried to sign for Celtic but couldn't get a work permit?"

Day 124 Fishy

"I am looking for fish"

"Japanese Koi?"

"I'm not sure"

"Butterfly Koi?"

"You know the Feng shui fish."

"Nishikigoi Koi?"

"The kind that absorb negative energy"

"Tategoi Koi?"

"I don't know!!! What kind of fish do you have?"

"We don't sell fish"

Sunday, September 26, 2004

Day 123 TV

"It's been one week since we got to see. Cheatin' lovers and cousins that marry. Five days since they had the show, with the hermaphrodite, the slut and the crack ho. Three days since we heard the tale, about the guy who learned his woman was a she-male. Yesterday it occurred to me, that I've been watchin' a bit too much Jerry Springer. Holy cow, d'you see it last week? Well, they had this one freak, who sucker-punched his whole family. Do you recall when the brawl... became a total free-for-all? And Jerry's in the middle tryin' to be the referee. Hey, see the stripper with the implants? She likes to lap dance, and date the boyfriend of her mother. Now here comes Jerry's next guest, and it's a slugfest, 'cause it's her trailer trash brother. Nymphomaniac is back on crack. It's like "When Animals Attack". They all exhibit reprehensible behavior. Hit 'em in the nose, tear off their clothes. Step on their toes, that's how it goes. They get so violent they have to sign a waiver. They're always swearin', cursin', kickin' butt and pointin' blame, on the air? They don't care, they got no shame. There was one guy who I'm sure felt a little strange, when he found out that his wife had a sex change.They have a tendency to scream and yell constantly. They have a history of ripping off their shirts. It's been one week since they had the fight,with the Siamese twins and the transvestite. Five days since that awful brawl. They still haven't got the blood off the wall. It's been three days since the bitter feud, between the KKK and that gay Jewish black dude. Yesterday, finally dawned on me, I'm spendin' way too much time on that Jerry Springer.

male Springer guest: Baby, I've been sleepin' with your sister.
female Springer guest: Oh yeah, which one?
male Springer guest: All of 'em.
female Springer guest: Ah, well, I've been sleepin' with your best friend Jake.
male Springer guest: Yeah? W-Well, me too! And, I've been sleepin' with your dog Woofie!
female Springer guest: Woofie, you b*tch! Well I'm also sleepin' with your pet goat!
male Springer guest: That goat doesn't belong to you!

Once you start watchin', there's just no stoppin'. Your brain shuts down, then your IQ's droppin'. Jerry's the king of confrontation. He's a sensation. He puts the 'sin' in syndication. It's totally worthless, like a bad check. It's like a train wreck. Don't wanna stare, but you can't look away. Like Sally Jesse he does talk shows, but with more weirdos. The ratings jumping higher every day. If you've seen the show, well then you know. It's just as low as you can go. The guests are tacky and they're lacking in their hygiene, and pretty soon some ugly goon, comes in the room and then it's BOOM, in the face of some unsuspecting drag queen. Well, it's the kind of show where people scream obscenities. Yankin' hair, throwin' chairs at their hubbies. "Jerry! Jerry!" Now the crowd starts their favorite chant. Should I turn off my TV? I just can't, I have a tendency to watch it religiously. I have a history of taping each one. It's been one week since the show about psycho killers with problems they should work out. Five days since the big surprise, when some loser's wife said that she's still dating twenty guys. Three days since he interviewed a bunch of psychic porn star midgets who were all nude. Yesterday, it occurred to me that I've been watchin' a bit too much Jerry Springer. Tired of wastin' my time on that Jerry Springer. I've got way too much class to watch Jerry Springer.

Yeah Uno are you asleep again? Come over here and pull on my finger"

Day 122 Monty

"Monty Don he's the man. Much better than Tichfart. Tichfart had Dimmock, but Monty Don has got Rachel de Thame. She is a babe. What is best, breasts or thighs. Give me thighs everytime. Dimmock could be a bricklayers mate. She is good at lifting flagstones, and swinging her tits. She is ginger as well. Rachel was a ballet dancer and a model. There is no competition. Rachel wears gloves to garden. How cool is that? Monty gets depressed. You have to respect gardeners who get depressed. When he talks his brow wrinkles, as though he was fighting away bad memories of the black dog that haunts him. That hellhound on his trail. He keeps it real, not like that punk gardener Chris Collins with that mock cockney accent. Not those wooses Gorden and Guy, with bowties and tweed jackets who have never had a crumb of dirt under their nails, and are to busy sniffing each others Givenchy Xeryus. The curious gardeners indeed... get bent. Not sharks fin Irish Gavin and that twit of a sidekick with long shirt sleeves Lawrence. Not that jackass in a helicopter who makes people dig up their backgardens and impliment his stupid plans, while he swans around in that oversized egg-beater. Not Carol Klein because of her ginger hair, buck teeth, and offensive earings. Not Kim Wilde cos her dad was Marty Wilde, the UK Elvis. Get real there was only one Elvis. Not that inane twittering from Tichfart, who always looks on the bright side of life. Hey Uno am I boring you?"

He was sleeping. That is what always happens. You get in the flow and nobody is listening.

Saturday, September 25, 2004

Day 121 Future

I am bored. I decided to read Piggy her horoscope.

"What's your sign?"


"Mnnn... what do you think of this. Children may play a significant role in your life today. Get involved in something that will help others. This will bring you acclaim for your kindness.

She had this dumstruck look on her face, as though she had had a visitation from an angel in heaven. Her eyes had that religious glow to them. Sort of watery and soft

"That's incredible!!! I don't believe it!!!
How could it be so accurate!!! Let me see that!!!"

I tossed her the newspaper, in a dismissive sort of way.

"Here you are. Pity it is last weeks newspaper"

Day 120 LilY

The boss wants me to order Canna lilies. He is off his nut. The nights are geting frosty, and they will die as soon as they arrive.

"Do it" he says and gives me a number to call

I call the number and a sweet woman's voice says
  • If you want to enquire about shipments press 1
  • If you to query a bill press 2
  • If you want to open an account press 3
  • If you want to place an order press 4
  • If you would like to talk to a sales person press 5
I press 4
  • I am sorry but at the moment this number is not accepting orders
  • Please dial the following number.
I dial the new number and I get the same message but with a man's voice this time
  • If you want to enquire about shipments press 1
  • If you to query a bill press 2
  • If you want to open an account press 3
  • If you want to place an order press 4
  • If you would like to talk to a sales person press 5
I press 4 and I get the message
  • I am sorry but at the moment this number is not accepting orders
  • Please dial the following number.
The number was the same as the first one that I dialed

I hate Nigerian scam merchants who set up premium line services

Day 119 Hildegard

Jussi dropped in to give me a CD called Visions.

"Music by Hildegard von Bingen"

"German post modern punk band is it?"


"Have they been on Top of the Pops recently?"

"This is music from the 13th century"

"Didn't know they had recording equipment back then"

He gave the CD to me and left.

I chucked it straight in the rubbish bin.

Day 118 Lip-Studs

I wore five clip on studs on my bottom lip today.

One of my customers, a bat faced, rolly poly, tub of lard, in a coat with an astrakhan collar, took a look at me and sniffed,

“I don’t think that those studs are appropriate. Does the owner know?”

“Lady! I am the owner” I lied

Day 117 pumps

“I can’t find a pump for a water lily pond”


“Could you tell me where they're at?”

“They're out in a bin at the back.”

He goes out then comes back.

“They are all broken! Smashed to bits?”

“Should be. I did use a hammer.”

You can't trust customers. They say they want a pump for a water lily pond and the next thing you know they are building a water feature according to Charlie Dimmock. You can't be too careful

Day 116 Rawks

I have proof positive that Charlie Dimmock is evil.

We have a pile of rocks out the back, for customers who want to build water features

The stupid Charlie stones and Dimmock rocks, are piled high so that anyboby who tried to lift them gets a hernia. I don't want nobody building water features

Well these skater boys were riding the rails out back and one of them does a loop, and his board lands squarely on the top of a stupid rock that looks like a phallic symol, and it snapped in half.

The skateboarder comes in and he says

"That was a two-hundred Euro board, man! Who's gonna pay for it? Yuh?

"Send the bill to Charlie Dimmock" I say

Friday, September 24, 2004

Day 115 Headache

"You got euphorbia"

"Nope we don't have euphorbia"

"You got pansies"

"Nope we aint got no pansies

"You got lilies"

"No aint got no lilies"

"You got phlox"

"Nope we don't do phlox"

"You got bear's breaches"

"Hold on a minute I will go and check. Nope we don't have no bear's breaches"

"What do you do"

"That's for me to know and for you to find out. What do you think we are around here, an encyclopdia, an internet search engine, the British library, a repository of folklore and oral traditions. If you want to know something then read the labels"

Some customers have got too many questions. It is not good for their health or brain to be wanting to know so much stuff. They give me a headache with all that stuff.

Monday, September 20, 2004

Day 114 Curse

Uno came in today with bandaid on his ears and nose. All he would says was

"Somebody hanked my chain"

Jussi is terrified. He thinks it is the visitation of a curse.

Sunday, September 19, 2004

Day 113 Rachel

Uno has decided to kept it simple with the face studs. So he has gone for a single nose ring, and attached to it are 20cm silver chains looping down the sides of his cheeks and attached to his earlobes. To every sixth loop in the chain he has knoted and attached a peice of red string, which he says he got by cutting up a Red Rachel Kabbalist's braclet.

Jussi was worried.

"I get bad vibes man from cutting up a Red Rachel bracelet. Like prayers have been said over that, and if like you cut it up, its bound to be bad for you"

"What you mean like the Five-Point Palm - exploding heart technique in Kill Bill... walk five steps then you are dead?"


"Or the THE FIVE POINTS OF FELLOWSHIP grip used by the masons that will give you a heart attack once you have done it 5 times?"

"Are you serious?" said Jussi looking worried

"Nah!!! only joking"

Jussi then went to Uno and gave him the five points of fellowship grip just to test the theory, then walked out the centre in a relaxed mood.

Day 112 Piss

"The good thing about sinks is that they don't have any seats to lift up"

"And they are at such a convenient level"

"Yeah!!! if you shoot for the pan, the one eyed trousers snake, more often than not, speaks with a forked tongue, and it gets everywhere"

"But with the sink being so close, and especially if you have a bellyful of beer, then there is the great danger of spashback, so you have to have increbible sphincter control"

Janna came charging out of the toilet

"Uno have you been pissing in the sink again???"

Both Uno and I jumped to our feet, and in unison with an outraged voice, and a perplexed hurt look on our faces, cried out in anguish.

"No!!! how could you think such a thing?"

Uno may be stupid, but in some things you have to show solidarity with the brothers.

Friday, September 17, 2004

Day 111 Acupuncture

"I'm going to have my face barry'ed up"

"You what?"

"You know. A high performance face. Finely tuned with studs"

"You mean peircings?"

"No!!! peircing is for punks. I mean acupuncture studs to promote my well being. Strategically placed at high energy zonal nodes to revitalise me"


"Stainless steel rings in the earlobes. Silver barbells on the eyebrows. Antique gothic ring in the nose. A row of silver studs on my bottom lip. A diamond pin in my tongue. What do you think?"

"You will have a hell of a time getting through the metal detectors at the airport"

Thursday, September 16, 2004

Day 110 Energy

"Madonna is in Israel at the moment"


"She's there to get energy. She'll be visiting the portals... the energy vortexes"

"Energy vortexes?"

"Yeah the Kabbalists say that you can go there and recharge yourself with positive energy."

"Is that right? Do you know if there are any energy vortexes around here?"


"I think there is a NEGATIVE energy vortex right here in this coffee room. I think the longer you stay in here, the less energy you have. I think the if you stay in this room then the less work you do. I think the Kabbalists should put a health warning on this room. This room should be avoided at all costs. Now get up off your arse and get back to work"

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

Day 109 Beer

Uno has decided that the best way to forget about the Finnish defeat is to drown his sorrows in beer.

"You drink too much! It is affecting your job and your judgement"

He hefted a crate of beer on his shoulder and left for the day.

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a crate - coincidence - I don't think so!"

Day 108 Diarrhoea

Uno is feeling shitty about Finland loosing the ice hockey match. He is wearing a white T-shirt with blue letters on it. On the front it says

"Constipation is the thief of time!"

and on the back it says

"But Diarrhoea waits for no man!"

Day 107 Ref

Uno is a big ice hockey fan. He went to the Sports Academy down town to see the match. It was screened at 2:00AM in the morning. He loves his hockey. Dedicated he is.

"What did you think of the Canada vs Finland game Uno?"

"If that ref had another eye, he'd be a cyclops."

Finland lost 3-2

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Day 106 Boat race

"You know that boat race they have in the UK each year"

"Yeah... the one on the Thames... Right"

"Well it's a fix"

"How come?"

"The same two teams reach the final every year"


Day 105 Nails

"You see these nails?"

"What nails?"

"These long nails on my pinkies"


"They are Feng shui nails"

"Get bent! Long nails may be OK on girls, but on you they just look gay... now get on with shifting those bags of cobble stones to the back area"

Uno bent his back and lifted a big bag of cobblestones. He droped it let, out a scream and did a wardance.

"Shit!!! I've just broke my fingernail"

Monday, September 13, 2004

Day 104 Radio

Uno's big question for today was.

"Wouldn't it be possible to listen to AM radio in the afternoon?"

Day 103 Slices

I ordered pizzas for me and Uno.

I ordered extra cheese on my quattro formaggi. Uno had a Greek special pizza.

"Bad choice... Greek Specials are the sweepings off the floor"

"But they taste great"

When the pizzas arrived I asked Uno if he wanted me to cut it into 12 or 6 slices

"Six... I could never eat twelve slices"

Day 102 Thoughts

If you asked Uno

"A penny for your thoughts"

You would get change

Day 101 Urine test

After the spit roasted psychoactive toad incident the boss has decided that all the staff should have a urine test.

Uno is a bit worried and he wants some time off to study for his.


Sunday, September 12, 2004

Day 100 Child care

Piggy was wearing a pink T-shirt. On the front in blue letters it said

Child care: Pay for it now

and on the back it said

... or pay for it later

Is she trying to tell me something, or is she just hanging around too much with Virpi?

Thursday, September 09, 2004

Day 99 Confession

"I find myself being thrown back and forth between confession and concealment. Do you think that is good?"


"Some days I just want to find somebody I can confess to. Get it all of my chest"

"Yeah... go on"

"And other days I feel so ashamed that I want to cover up my tracks, blot out my past history, and I dispise myself for wanting to conceal things"

"So then you need to confess to feel better?"

"Yeah!!! it is a viscous circle"

"I think what we need here, is a surveillance camera. Something to keep tabs on you all the time"

Piggy looked at me hopefully.

"Do you think that would be a solution? do you?"


But never the less I broached the subject to the boss to have one installed at the centre, to keep and eye on these punks that skate in the backyard and the old-aged pensioners who steal birdseed.

He agreed

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

Day 98 Cheesy poem

Roope was reciting a poem to Virpi. I could hardly hear it.

"My love is like ripe Roquefort, strong and steaming.
Her presence permeates my mind when I lie dreaming.
Her creamy skin a Philadelphia delight.
I spread her on my cracker, late at night.
A triangle of cheesy spread, she greets my morning.
I peel her soft foil layers as day is dawning.
I ponder on old Parmesan, and lie breath bated,
wondering what her Cheddar would be like grated.
But the cheese which brings to mind my lover true
Is Aura, creamy, crumbly, strong and veiny blue.
I swooned and moaned, brought nearly to the edge.
by juicey moisture from her Gorgonzola wedge.
A hole in Emmental I poke my finger through
and nibble on the salty core, and think my love of you"

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Day 97 Violence

"There are two occasions when you have to be nice to people.
  • to avoid violence to your person (Auli always gets his basil)
  • to get what you want. (Come here little Piggy Piggy)
Other than that it is just not worth the trouble to be decent and civil. It is so time consuming. You can easily get rid of boring people by insulting them. Bores are only interested in one thing and that is themselves. If you are rude to them then they realise that they are not the centre of the universe, and life does not revolve around them. Just walk away, is all I say."

Virpi got up from her chair and walked out the shop without a word.

"Hey! Come back here. I'm talking to you"

Day 96 Music

Roope comes in a bit rough. A bit bleary eyed. A bit tobacco juice at the corners of his mouth. A bit snotty nosed. It must be cold sleeping under the motorway bridge.

"Did you know that if you take the notes from the death march by Mozart and transpose them into a protein sequence, then you get a protein that is invariably present at the onset of cancer?

"Interesting NOT! Where do you come up with all these weird ideas?"

"The library at Iso Omena. It is warm there, and if you don't smell too bad, you can find yourself a corner to sleep in, without being disturbed."

"The next thing you will be telling me is that we should take the sequence for Serotonin and transcribe it into music, and play it to the depressed to make them happy"

"Yeah that is a great idea. Insirational. You been sleeping late in the P position have you?"

Word gets around.

Ref: Music from proteins

Day 95 Babies

"You are not suitable material for a father"


"Newborn babies prefer to look at attractive faces. So that rules you out"

"Excuse me?"

"If you play Vivaldi's Four Seasons forward, babies like it. But if you play Vivaldi backwards, they don't like it so much. If I were having a baby... which I'm not. You would completely warp it with all that deathmetal music you play"

"What if we played the deathmetal music backwards. Would that be OK?"

This is getting serious. Piggy could be preggers.

Day 94 Relaxing

Slept in this morning. The boss was not pleased.

"What time do you call this? coming into work four hours late"

"Sure I was late, but don't you know that when you sleep in, your brain goes into overdrive, and that is when you get your best ideas."

"I don't care. I'm docking your wages for 4 hours"

"A relaxing environment is the key to success in terms of creativity."

"I don't need creativity. I need sales to customers. Keep it simple. Plants in, plants out"

"Hey man don't get stressed. You used to be so laid-back. Where are you getting these new strange ideas from?"

"Janna. She has just taught me about the P dream position."

"You what?"

"In our dreams we produce unusual combinations of ideas that can seem surreal, but every once in a while result in an amazingly creative solution to an important problem."

Typical the boss gets his new ideas from sleeping in.

Monday, September 06, 2004

Day 93 Depression

"Are you saying I'm depressed because I am a woman"

"No Piggy of coure not"

"Women can do the same work as men, yet we don't get paid the same wages"

"That's so true, and so unfair"

"We get used and abused as sex objects, discriminated against in our jobs. Fired if we are pregnant. Fired if we even hint at sexual harrassment in the work place. Tied to the kitchen sink and left to slave over a hot stove, and you wonder why we get depressed?"

"I was only saying..."

"You never listen, that's your problem. You are the one who needs therapy"


"Don't you sorry me"

"Look I made a mistake"

"To right you did"

"I was upset. I wasn't thinking straight. I was unkind. I should never have said
Iv'e meet many a woman who can act like a man but very few that can act like a gentleman

With that Piggy ran out sobbing like a cat strung up on barbed wire. All I could do was shrug my shoulders and lift the palms of my hands heavenwards.

"Tell me what did I say wrong... just tell me?"

Day 92 Periods

Piggy says she don't want to graft no more.

"I got anhedonia"


"It's like I can't get any pleasure from things that should be pleasureable"


"It is the number one warning sign that you have become depressed"

"Do you also feel that people are out to get you? That they want to harm you? Spread lies about you behind your back? Sow seeds of doubt about your ability cope? Do you have an overwhealming urge to let the air out of the tyres of any BMW that you see, just in case it might be used as a get away car... used by someone who wants to kidnap you?"

"Yeah... you are so sweet... so sensitive... how do you know these things"

I only smile and say nothing, but I know in my heart of hearts, it's that time of the month again.

Day 91 Auli

Auli is doing well in Estonia. He has a big resturant chain, and he plays the harmonica really badly, but nobody would ever tell him that.

When he comes into the centre I say.

"Hey harmonica man how's it blowing?"

"Za lip, she need za fresh bazil. Ah no can play so good wizout za bazil

Auli comes in regular and collects pots of basil for free.

"You happen have za bazil... no???"

"Hey harmonica man we always got the green stuff for you. Special sown. Special grown."

"You come to Tallin. I cook you special soup. Soup you won't forget in a hurry"

"Sure thing Auli. anything you say"

"Stay cool"

Believe me you don't want to mess with anything from Estonia. As far as I am concerned Auli is Little Walter reincarnated.

Day 90 Spyware

Jussi returns to the topic of webs.

"Did you know that every keystoke you make on your computer is being sent back to Google or Alexa or Microsoft?

"Well knock me out... is that so?"

"Tons of Sypware and adware are being secretly loaded onto your computer."

"You don't say?"

"Everytime you dowload a porno mpeg, you get a tracker installed on your hardisk"

"Is that right?"

"And they track your bank account details and scan your disk for passwords and pin numbers"

"Well blow me"

"The WEB is becoming a dangerous place... who do you think is behind it all?"

"The Freemasons"

If this was true it was news to Jussi. He left in a perplexed mood, wondering if I was a grandmaster imparting a secret truth to him, who only had a rudimentary knowledge of the craft.

Day 89 Earings

Some skateboarders stole some chewing gum from near the checkout and bolt for it.

Some woman in brown, who thinks it is the new black, smiles and says.

"Kids. You've got to love them. The little rascals”

"Not on my time lady"

"Lighten up will you, it was only a few packets of chewing gum, it is not the end of the world"

She came back a few hours later, rather distressed, wanting to know if I’d seen her clip-on gold earings.

"Afraid not mam"

"But they must have droped off while I was walking through the jungle area. If you find them will you let me know?"

"Sure thing"

She left and I called Piggy and asked her around for a rose grafting session. I will give her the earings to wear while we get to work. She will like that.

Day 88

Jussi the postman who is obsessed by Free-masons came in to day.

He siddled up to the counter and looked at me and then looked down at his feet.

I think he was trying to tell me something.

"I have a question for you"


"Why don't spiders get caught in their own webs?

"Well you see it is like this spiders are able to spin different types of web. Sticky stuff and non sticky stuff, and when they walk over their webs they are able to walk on the non-sticky stuff"

"Like Teflon... you mean?"

"Exactly... you got it"

Day 87

Uno has announced that he wants to go to university.

"What will you study?"

"I don't know"

"Well do you have any qualifications to get in?"

"What do you need qualifications for?"

"They won't let you into University if you don't have qualifications"

"Could you write me some qualifications?"

"Sure Uno. How many do you want? I do them at 100 euro a qualification"

"A couple to start off with. I think"

Day 86

People complain about my attitude.

I have been called a liar, a cheat, a moron, rude, insufferable, impolite, uncouth, badass, jerkoff, asswipe, rasclot, bald bigot, idiot, freak, twerp, bird-brain, no good, warped, bent, twisted, greaseball, pervert.

Hey but who cares what customers think?

Day 85

Today I put up a help wanted poster on the front window.

I am looking for a hosta expert.

Finns are crazy about Hostas.

Then they plant them in full sun in an area infested with slugs

The plants die or get eaten to bits.

This is why I want a Hosta expert. Someone to field the flak, when all the complaints start rolling in.

I won't tell them this of course.

Sunday, September 05, 2004

Day 84

"I see you have a sign outside advertising "Spit roasted psychoactive toads"


"Well we have just had a call in from the local hospital, that they have picked up 12 skateboarders from the shopping centre, who have been attempting death defying jumps on top of a handrail, that was installed to help the old aged pensioners get down the steps. All of these skateborders complain of impaired vision, the result of which caused each and everyone of them to fall off their skateboad, and straddle the handrail in the most painful fashion. The paramedics reported that they were making sounds which simulated a starter motor turning over in the Finnish winter when the temperature is 20 below"


"All of them were incoherant and when questioned could only repeat "Spit roasted psychoactive toads", and since you have a sign which advertises the aforementioned items, we thought it would be prudent to start our investigations here"

"Sorry officer but we don't know anything about toads"

"Then why so you have a sign outside advertising them at 20 euro each"

"Kids... they are always fooling about. Someone else has put up that sign as a joke"

"So you don't know anything about spit roasted psychoactive toads"


Saturday, September 04, 2004

Day 83

Roope came up with the idea.

He passed it on to Virpi.

And Uno, as ever completed the task.

We had spit roast psychoactive toads for breakfast.

Virpi says they taste like chicken.

Roope says they taste like glacial rainbows.

Uno does not say anything.

He is unconcious, having eaten one too many psychoactive toad.

He deserves all he gets.

Friday, September 03, 2004

Day 82

Jussi talked to Virpi, and Virpi talked to Uno, and they came up with a plan.

The plan was to make the Psychoactive Toads even more venomous.

The plan invloved Uno catching all of the toads and letting them loose in the Maryjane house.

The plan involved the frogs eating the Maryjane leaves and hence producing a blended venom.

The plan backfired. The toads stripped the plants bare and died with smiles on their faces.

My head hurts as though it were a bag of feritts fighting over a bone.

That is what happens when you say "OK"

Day 81

Found this posted on the inside of the toilet door today.


How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods?
Sittin' there suckin' them green toady-frogs.

Suckin' them hop-toads, suckin' them chunkers,
Suckin' them leapy-types, suckin' them plunkers.

Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy?
Suckin' them bog-frogs sure makes 'em happy.

Them hugger-mugger toad suckers, way down south,
Stickin' them sucky-toads in their mouth.

How to be a toad sucker? No way to duck it.
Gittchyself a toad, rear back and suck it!

-- Mason Williams 1964 --

Day 80

"Bufo alvarius! that is what we need for our jungle/water area"

"Get what you want, just don't do anything with water that involves Charlie Dimmock, except perhaps drown her in it"

"Living creatures absord all the negative energy. Green tree frogs will bring prosperity"

"Hold on... wait a minute... your bringing in New World Psychoactive Toads"



"Toads- shmods, Frogs-Blogs, Whatever!!!

Virpi is spending to much time with Roope sleeping out under the motorway.

Day 79

These two things I have found out in life. When I say


I don't get into trouble but if I say


Then I usually find I have catapulted myself straight into the midden.

I must remember to stop saying OK. It never turns out to be good for me when I say that.

To say "OK" is to give in. To say "So?" means you can retain your independance. I mention this to Roope.

He says "Whatever!!!"

Day 78

Virpi says "We need some heavy stones to concentrate the energy in here"

She breathes down the back of my neck

"And big plants with big leaves"

I try to move out of the way. She is in my face again.

"And water... flowing water"

I lock myself in the toilet

"And if you want to make money then you have to move that wastebasket away from under the till"

"OK OK OK now will you just leave me alone"

Feng-shui me with a barge pole. I should never have said OK.

Thursday, September 02, 2004

Day 77

Virpi says she as Asperger's Syndrome

She says that Feng-shui is a god send.

She loves to move furniture around and set things in order.

Day 76

Virpi came in to day. She was wearing a tight yellow T-shirt. The lettering across the chest said

Children in the back seat of cars cause accidents

She always was a bit green that girl. A bit of a tree hugger.

When she went out the door I noticed that she had another slogan printed on the back of the T-shirt.

Accidents in the back seat of cars cause children

Guess nobody is going to Feng-shui her then.

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

Day 75

Wore my new sweater to work today. Uno commented on it.

"Nice sweater man"

"Angora wool"

"What kind of sheep is that?"

"It's not a sheep, it's a rabbit"

"Look man you only get wool from sheep"

"You can get an angora cat and and angora goat. Angora goats give you mohair"

"Yeah!!! and you can get angora turtles, big shaggy bastards, when the wool on their backs becomes so heavy and wet they sink to the bottom of the sea, for deapsea divers to collect... dream on man"

Day 74

Roope has been hitting the mushrooms.

"What do you think about guide-cats for the blind?"

"Cats are cantankerous. You couldn't train them to lead people around"

"It would be a new market"

"Cats would lead people straight into traffic"

"We could medicate the cats to make them behave like dogs, and be more obedient"

"Knock yourself out."

Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Day 73

"If I felt any better I would be in heaven. If I felt any worse I would be in hell"

"What are you on about blister-brain?"

"Did you know the Berserks drank their own piss?"

"I don't think I want to know"

"Ate fly agaric before battle, their kidneys concentrated the active agent into their piss, and when they drank their piss they went spare"

"Well that is enough to burst a tall man"

"Or the shamman would eat the stuff, and he would take the bad hits that gave you the twitchs and sweats, and then give his piss to the rest of the tribe so they would always pocket the black ball at pool.

I think Roope is spending to much time with the Turks, or is sleeping to close to the forest.

Ref: Amanita Muscaria

Day 72

"Where is the the dwarf conifers"

"Left for love"


"Given a choice of of going left or right, always choose left for love"

"What about right?"

"Right for wrong, You will never get where you want if you choose the right"

"Yeah I saw a programme about that... some man who would only make turns to the left"

"Spent half his life walking backwards to get to where he wanted to go"

Sunday, August 29, 2004

Day 71

Some mother goes spare on me today.

Apparently it’s very irresponsible of me to have poison ivy so readily on display while her kids are in the centre.

One of them was already developing a red rash on her tongue which seemed to be swelling up inside her mouth.

"Mah kung hucks" she said

She was not japanese. The mother looked perplexed.

"I think she just said "My tongue hurts"

"You and your likes are completely irresponsible."

"Look lady you are the one who is irresponsible. It was you who left your kids to wander around the centre unsupervised. While you have spent a good hour admiring the orchids, and not bought any of them. This garden centre is not an amusment park you know?"

When her other kid came complaining that he had cactus needles sticking in his tongue, She draged them both out the door and left.

It was Uno's idea to put the ice lollypops next to the cactus stand.

"Thirst psychology" was what he called it.

That was the best thought Uno had ever had so I let him get away with it.

Day 70

I hire Janna once again.

I tell her it is for Uno's sake. He was missing her, but really I want to find out more about dreams.

She smiles a happy smile that puts a dimple on her chin.

I am almost envious of Uno.

"So about those dream positions Janna"

"Yeah what about them?"

"Well could you explain a little more about them?"

"It is all to do with digestion"

My thoughts were fluttering like a moth around a candle. I was having a brainfart.


"Yeah, you see your stomach is like a big ballon filled with water and it makes this regular movement..."

"Peristaltic contraction... so?"

"Well it keeps on squirting food down into your intestines, and if you sleep on you left-hand side it has a harder time getting the food up to the opening of the intestines which is on the right-hand side"


"Well your dreams depend on what you have eaten last thing at night"

"Cheese like?"


Thats the last time I will order a family sized quattro formaggi from Monty Cristos and eat it after mid-night, and then go sleep in the 4 position belly down and slightly on the left-hand side.

Day 69

Tried the P dream position on my back, and at some point during the night I must have turned onto my stomach which put me into a 4 dream position.

All I can say is don't do it.

Ref: The dreambank

Day 68

Tried sleeping in the number 4 position on my back.

Didn't dream a thing

Day 67

Roope has been hanging out with the refugees down the allotments.

He smokes hooka with them.

He says to them he could find a market for their produce.

He comes to the centre and asks me if I will sell their stuff for them if he brings it in.

"No way man. Finns don't do ethnic stuff."

"I'm stuffed then. Slit from pubes to gizzard"

"Wrong!!! That would be gutted Roope"

Anyways he is safe. He doesn't have an address where they can find him, since he sleeps under the motorway.

Day 66

Uno is missing Janna. He has even lost his exagerated startle response. I can shout at him but he does not react.

"She was no good for you man"

"Yes she was"

"No she wasn't. She had a dimple on her chin, and you know what that means?

"I don't care what it means"

"Course you do"

"No I don't"

"Yes you do... dimpled chin, devil within"

"That's why I liked her"

Ref: Dimpled chin

Day 65

"Hey skateboy... beat it"

"What for? Ain't doing nothing"

That was a double negative but I let it slip.

"Look dogsbreath, you are breathing, and I have got some sensitive plants in here, now beat it, before I call the cops and have you up for indecent exposure"

"You're whacked man"

He made to whack me with his board, but I spayed him in the eyes with some fungicide.

It is better than Mace that stuff.

Day 64

I fired Janna.

Caught her talking to Jussi the postman about the way to sleep to get the best dreams.

She said "Lie on your back with one leg straight and bend the other leg at the knee and tuck the ankle behind the straight leg to make the shape of the number 4"

Jussi was drooling

"Or if you want really weird dreams then you can reverse the process and make your legs into the shape of the letter P"

Jussi with eyes sticking out on stalks with extasy said

"What happens if you do it lying on your belly"

I had enough of this masonic crap so I fired Janna on the spot and told Jussi

"Go get whipped"

Day 63

Boss came in early.

He notices we have cleaned out the Clemitis section, and Uno and Janna are chopping the hell out of some conifers that I had taken a dislike to.

"Keep up this kind of work, and you are in for a pay rise"

He leaves and I tell Uno to water the hell out of the cactii in the desert section.

Day 62 Sowing

Piggy comes in with a couple of packets of F1 hybrids.

She says with that smile of hers

"I thought we could go into the back room and do some sowing"

"Knock youself out"

Day 61 Funerals

Boss has heard about the funeral wreath stories. From the way his hands are flapping about, he is madder than an Estonian who has just lost the World Air Guitar Championship.

I tell him "Go look it up"

"Look up what?"

"Why do people give wreaths at funerals"

"Save me the trouble smartass... what does it say?"


"What do you mean... nothing"

"Precisely that... nothing."

"But it's a sign of respect!"

"Sign of a bad conscience more like it. Died deserted and demented in an old-folks home. If they had wanted to show some concern they should have bought him a pizza from Monty Cristos and put a smile on his face before he died. He would have appreciated that."

Saturday, August 28, 2004

Day 60 Jumping

Uno is nursing his bruised knuckles. He may be slow in the brain department, but he is quick on his feet.

He is decended from a French Canadian lumberjack who emigrated to Finland. He suffers from the Gilles de la Tourette Syndrome, or to be more specific he was decended from the jumping Frenchmen of Maine.

For example, if he was abruptly asked to strike someone, he would do so without hesitation, even if it was his mother and he had an axe in his hand. If given a short, sudden, quick command, Uno would respond with the appropriate action, often echoing the words of command.

When I shouted at the top of my lungs

"Hit him with that birdseed bag Uno"

It produced the desired effect.

Ref: The jumping frenchmen of Maine

Day 59 Principles

Big bruiser comes into the shop. From the knit of his brows, and the cut of his hair, I can see he is looking for trouble.

"Where is that long streak of misery, that sent my sister home crying"

"Who is you sister?"

"Mervi... who came in here to buy a wreath"

"We don't sell wreaths. It is against our principles"

"And what principles might they be?"

"We like to be life affirming. We do christenings, weddings, birthdays, graduations, celebrations, that type of thing. We don't do death"

"Well I'm about to do death... now where is that slagheap that insulted my sister"

"That would be Uno. He is out the back refilling the bird feeder"

Day 58 Prices

"My daughter came home in tears because you refused to sell her a wreath"


"Well you insulted her, and upset her"

"Do you wan't to pay 50 euros for a wreath?"

"Well not as much as that. Something less expensive"

"40 euros"

"That's a bit high as well"

"30 euros"

"Well I suppose that would be OK"

"We don't do 30 euro wreaths"

"Why not?"

"We don't want to insult the dead"

Day 57 Wreath

"My dad's dead. I need a wreath"

"No you don't"

"Course I do. Everybody gets wreaths when they die"

"Like princess Di?"

"Yeah like Princess Di. That's right"

"Do you happen to know if she appreciated all the flowers and wreaths?"


"She was dead numbnut... so who were the flowers for?"

Buying flowers for people who will never see them or smell them beats me. But hey we've all got to make a living somehow, even if its from the dying.

Friday, August 27, 2004

Day 56 Vomit

"You've given a lot of ladies a lot of pleasure,"

That is what the Queen said to Alan Titchmarsh.

That is what he would like to have it inscribed on his tombstone!

Doesn't it make you want to vomit? How BBC can any one man get?


Day 55 Happy

Checked the shed out back.

The Maryjane seeds are up

Oh Happy day.

Day 54 Trill

The old lady, the pensioner who steals sunflower seeds from the bird feeder came in today.

I confronted her.

"Why do you steal?

"What's it to you?"

"Well you take stuff that doesn't belong to you. Are you poor?


"Well, why do you do it then?"

"The thrill"

Day 53 PC

The boss was well upset this morning.

"Have you been touching my PC"

"No... what makes you think that?"

"It's screwed up beyond all recognition, and won't boot"

"Have a word with Uno and Janna I saw them in your office"


Day 52 Visa

Tried to order some roses oline.

Filled in all the forms chose all the species I wanted.

Chose to pay by Visa. Gave my Visa card number

The calculation came up and said they would charge me an extra 20 euros as a processing charge.

"Screw you" I swore

Then I went to the harddisk of the PC in the bosses office and randomly deleted files until I felt better.

Day 51 Closing

The voice on the telephone sounded desperate

What time do you close?

“In a minute.”

“Good. I was wondering if I could buy some roses for my daughters birthday?”

“Yeah sure”

“Well, I was wondering if it’s, like, okay if I come down and pick them up right now.”

“I’m closing.”

“Can’t you just wait fifteen minutes?”


When they hung up. I put the closed sign on the door and left.

Day 50 Nettles

Considering growing a Hari-Krishna topkot.

If you look different then people think you are an expert.

Down the market Roope has become the herb man

He sells 20 different kind of mint.

Virpi writes out his signs for him. Choclate mint, Orange mint, Lemon mint, Pepper mint, etc.

I say "they all look the same to me"

Roope replies "they are all the same... nettles. I collect them from the waste ground under the motorway"

"Don't people complain?"

"They say they taste a bit nippy"

Day 49 Jaw

Janna is a big girl.

She has a wicked uppercut

My jaw is still sore from yesterday.

I'm taking the afternoon off.

Day 48 Perennials

Janna’s starting a special perennial club.

She reckons everyone’ll join, and she can create a new culb devoted to Finnish perennials.

A culb which will out-culb the Masons.

“We might take over the world!” she wheezes (pollen brings on her asthma attacks). “We’ll only do organic. We’ll refuse to sell our seed to multi-nationals.”

"Not much chance of them wanting your seed Janna"

"You what?"

"Forget it"

Uno and Janna are a pair. Thick as bricks, and twice as stupid. They would be dangerous if they were able to get angry, but anger stupifies them, so when I get as mad as a sackful of rats they just stand around slack jawed. Insults are wasted on them. They don't understand.

Day 47 Compost

I took the corriander and carrot soup into work.

I got Uno to bottle it up in small 5ml bottles and label them as Alan Titchmash's compost accelerator. Uno is not the sharpest blade in the toolbox, so he will do anything I say.

He made up 200 bottles in the morning and we had sold them all for 10 euros each come the afternoon.

I said "We just made 2000 euros from soup we could not eat"

"Did we? I could have eaten some of it"

Tonight I might make some Israeli sweet potato soup. I think it might be a winner.

Day 46 Soup

Today I made carrot and corriander soup.

Here is the recipe
  • one large leak (three quarters white, one quarter green)
  • six organic carrots (fresh from the earth)
  • three tables spoons of olive oil (virgin)
  • three cubes of chicken stock (gourmet)
  • an dash of Aroi Soy sauce (speciality deli)
  • a splash of Lee Perrins Worcestershire sauce ( a quick flip of the wrist is enough)
  • a pot of fresh corriander (home grown)
  • one litre of Evian still water (blue bottle)
  • 250 mls of Valio cream
Cut the leeks roughly up, and fry in the olive oil, when soft add one deci-litre of water. Dice and add the carrot, then the stock cubes, then the Soy and Worcestershire sauce. Add one litre of still water. Simmer until the carrots are soft, then mash with a potatomasher. Shred then add the corriander, then blitz in a blender. Add the cream. Pepper to taste.

It tasted like horse-shit, so I went out and had a pizza.

Day 45 Crystals

Virpi wants to know if it matters what what kind of stones she can use for the hard landscaping. They have landed a gig with a Turkish maniac who has more money than sense.

"Ones with crystals in them"


"Anything with a alpha-omega-triglycerol-polyunsaturated-lattice structure, should get you the right energy levels"


That girl has cotten wool for brains.

Day 44 Feng-shui

I suggest to Roope and Virpi that they do a pilot show on gardening.

"Start off small" I say

"Nick a shopping trolley from EuroSpar, load it up with tools and fertilizer and buzz around the big houses at Soukko to see if you can pick up some landscaping work"

Virpi want to know if they can use Feng-shui


They are up for the idea


Day 43 Flying

Flying gardeners! What a crock of helicopter grease.

Some gay with a Travis haircut and his ears pinned back with gel flying into people backyards to help then design their gardens.

He dumps the plants on them and makes them do all the digging

Then he swooshes off in his helicopter and you get a wide angle shot of the mess he has left them with.

Gardening shows on TV are crap.

Day 42 DIY

This customer comes into the centre, and he’s waving around a copy of Tommy Walsh's DIY Survival, and he’s complaining that he didn’t know he would have to buy all the tools before he could do the jobs he wanted to do.

He’s also complaining that the book is stupid.

He says he doesn’t know why Tommy Walsh should be on TV.

I agree with him

He says he should get a refund.

I tell him I don't stock any Tommy Walsh books.

Apparently his wife had bought it from Stockmans


Day 41 Eco-terrorists

Some eco-terrorists want to buy some giant's hogsweed.

"Don't you know that it is poisonous?"


"Well why not go for some Japanese knotweed"

"Foreign junk"

"Or what about some water hyacynth... clog up a canal in no time"

Eco-terrorists don't have the attention span of a gnat. They have been eating too many magic mushrooms. They wander off to look at terricotta flowerpots.

They left with nothing... their brains as fluid as super refined sewing machine oil.

Day 40 Love

Virpi met up with Roope.

They are in love.

She loved the way he had arranged his stuff under the bridge.

It was so minimalist. Roope did not loose any energy in his space.

The concrete walls of the bridge brought him harmony.

I said to her "Get bent"

Day 39 Virpi

Virpi likes pansies and she is also partial to violas.

Recently she wants to get into roses.

I told her I have a customer who is really into roses... manderin roses specifically

She always carries Feng-Shui books with her, and manderin roses had a certain appeal to her.

I told her I could put her in touch with Roope.

He is a homeless bum who sleeps under a bridge on the West Way.

They deserve each other.

Day 38 Smoking

Customers whined at me all day.

“Where’s the Clemitis section gone?”

I had thrown them all out. Clemitis are crap plants for Finland. They like their roots cool. They want lots of nutrition. They need support.

Uno salvaged a few of them for himself. I told him they were maryjane. He will believe anything.

He is the only idiot I know who has smoked Clemitis.

He is even selling it to the skaterboys down the market.

Day 37 Stupid

Played a whole lot of William Orbit on the stereo today.

Tomorrow I will instruct Uno to plant the maryjane in the flurecent lockup at the end of the outdoor section.

If we get caught. I will balme him.

Uno is so stupid, he won't be able to defend himself.

Day 36 Tichfart

“Do you have any copies of Alan Tichmarch's”


“Why not?”

“I didn’t like Tichfart.”

“Tichfart? did you just say Tichfart?”


“You’re supposed to have copies of all the latest gardening books”

“No I don't”

"Why not?"

"Because I don't do books that have been written by so-called TV personalities, and especially not by perverts who leer at Charlie Dimmock's tits."

Customers are numbnuts.

Day 35 Id

“Can I see your id?”

“Here it is”

“Do you have a badge?”

“This one is official, given to me by Espoo city council”

"That uniform of yours looks fake"

"It's an old one"

“Let me see that parking slip once again”

“You have been illegally parked across the road for over an hour now... just thought I'd let you know”

"Could I interest you in a big coconut palm for free?

"Is that a bribe?"

"God forbid it... no!!!"

I hate trafic wardens.

Day 34 Qualifications

“Have you got your qualifications?”

“I’ve got my driving licence.”


“I’ve got my licence. That should be enough.”

“Enough for what.”

“For buying an orchid, alright?”

“You think a driving licence gives you the right to buy an orchid?”


“No way”

“What kind of salesman are you? Seems you don't want to sell anything”

“Not to cretins like you, who thinks that you can buy an orchid, by showing me your driving licence. Get knotted”

Day 33 Piggy

I’ve known Piggy since University.

She comes in once a fortnight and we fertilized the cucumbers by hand.

Fertilization takes alot of skill.

We do it in a sterile room.

We don't want any contamination.

She said "I'm getting tied of fertilizing cucumbers by hand, couldn't we try something else"

"Knock yourself out" I say

Day 32 Perverts

Dimmock’s got another book out.

It’s crap, of course.

Middle-aged, bald-headed men, come in and want to buy it.