Sunday, March 27, 2005

Day 185 Personality

Uno has been to an art exhibition at Kiasma. He said he was looking for inspiration for his flower arrangements. I asked him what he thought of modern art.

"Well I totally fell in love with photographs on display, but at the same time I thought it was a crock of shit"

I think Uno has a split personality.

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Day 184 Chef

Uno says a chef at the Raddison hotel downtown has gone berserk. Apparently the chef has taken all the management hostage in his kitchen. I told him.

"Must be the first cook coup of Spring"

Day 183 Spring

The Boss is distraught. He comes in with tears in his eyes. Says he caught his wife in bed with another man. When he was out of ear-reach I remarked to Uno.

"Must be the first cuckold of Spring"

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Day 182 Testing Uno

Uno comes up to me and says he can't listen to any of Peter Gabriels CD's

I say "Is that SO?"

I ask him what about movies and DVD's and he says he can't stand any of the Beatles movies.

I say "You definately need HELP"

I went off sniggering. He just stood there with a perplexed look on his face.

Monday, March 07, 2005

Day 181 Dates

You know what gets me? You grow flowers and they are fine, you cut them and in a few days they are dead. But do you know what is worse than flowers? Cheese!!!

This is what I don't understand. Valio matures their black label Emental for 9 months and then when they put it on the shelves its got to be used within 7 days.

Uno would say why not mature it for 4 and a half months and then keep it in you fridge for another 4 and a half months if you want to.

Makes perfect sence to me.

Day 180 Shrinkage.

We got new green T-shirt with our logo on them. Everybody has to wear one. I put mine in the wash and it shrinks 50%. Crap cotten. Indonesian or Chinese junk. I want a T-shirt to be loose and to cover my belly, and not to be up around my nipples. Uno is wearing his, it is busting at the seams and it is well up his back exposing his butt crack. Some corporate image I says to him.

"Did you wash it according to the instructions on the label?"


"And the T-shirt shrunk... what about the label?

"The label was fine it didn't shrink"

"Then perhaps the washing instructions were for the label."

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Day 179 Phone

Tired of answering the phone so I have recorded a new answer machine message. Instead of telling people they have got through to a garden centre the phone tells them they have got through to a mental health center. Here what I told them to do.

"If you have a repetative compulsive disorder press 1 repeatedly"
"If you are co-dependent get some one to press 2 for you."
"If you have a multiple personality disorder press any of the keys in a random fashion"
"If you are paranoid don't hang up we will trace the call and be right with you"
"If you are dyslexic press 69696969696"
"If you have a short term memory problem call back later."
"If you have low self-esteem we are sorry all of our operators are busy"