Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Day 73

"If I felt any better I would be in heaven. If I felt any worse I would be in hell"

"What are you on about blister-brain?"

"Did you know the Berserks drank their own piss?"

"I don't think I want to know"

"Ate fly agaric before battle, their kidneys concentrated the active agent into their piss, and when they drank their piss they went spare"

"Well that is enough to burst a tall man"

"Or the shamman would eat the stuff, and he would take the bad hits that gave you the twitchs and sweats, and then give his piss to the rest of the tribe so they would always pocket the black ball at pool.

I think Roope is spending to much time with the Turks, or is sleeping to close to the forest.

Ref: Amanita Muscaria

Day 72

"Where is the the dwarf conifers"

"Left for love"


"Given a choice of of going left or right, always choose left for love"

"What about right?"

"Right for wrong, You will never get where you want if you choose the right"

"Yeah I saw a programme about that... some man who would only make turns to the left"

"Spent half his life walking backwards to get to where he wanted to go"

Sunday, August 29, 2004

Day 71

Some mother goes spare on me today.

Apparently it’s very irresponsible of me to have poison ivy so readily on display while her kids are in the centre.

One of them was already developing a red rash on her tongue which seemed to be swelling up inside her mouth.

"Mah kung hucks" she said

She was not japanese. The mother looked perplexed.

"I think she just said "My tongue hurts"

"You and your likes are completely irresponsible."

"Look lady you are the one who is irresponsible. It was you who left your kids to wander around the centre unsupervised. While you have spent a good hour admiring the orchids, and not bought any of them. This garden centre is not an amusment park you know?"

When her other kid came complaining that he had cactus needles sticking in his tongue, She draged them both out the door and left.

It was Uno's idea to put the ice lollypops next to the cactus stand.

"Thirst psychology" was what he called it.

That was the best thought Uno had ever had so I let him get away with it.

Day 70

I hire Janna once again.

I tell her it is for Uno's sake. He was missing her, but really I want to find out more about dreams.

She smiles a happy smile that puts a dimple on her chin.

I am almost envious of Uno.

"So about those dream positions Janna"

"Yeah what about them?"

"Well could you explain a little more about them?"

"It is all to do with digestion"

My thoughts were fluttering like a moth around a candle. I was having a brainfart.


"Yeah, you see your stomach is like a big ballon filled with water and it makes this regular movement..."

"Peristaltic contraction... so?"

"Well it keeps on squirting food down into your intestines, and if you sleep on you left-hand side it has a harder time getting the food up to the opening of the intestines which is on the right-hand side"


"Well your dreams depend on what you have eaten last thing at night"

"Cheese like?"


Thats the last time I will order a family sized quattro formaggi from Monty Cristos and eat it after mid-night, and then go sleep in the 4 position belly down and slightly on the left-hand side.

Day 69

Tried the P dream position on my back, and at some point during the night I must have turned onto my stomach which put me into a 4 dream position.

All I can say is don't do it.

Ref: The dreambank

Day 68

Tried sleeping in the number 4 position on my back.

Didn't dream a thing

Day 67

Roope has been hanging out with the refugees down the allotments.

He smokes hooka with them.

He says to them he could find a market for their produce.

He comes to the centre and asks me if I will sell their stuff for them if he brings it in.

"No way man. Finns don't do ethnic stuff."

"I'm stuffed then. Slit from pubes to gizzard"

"Wrong!!! That would be gutted Roope"

Anyways he is safe. He doesn't have an address where they can find him, since he sleeps under the motorway.

Day 66

Uno is missing Janna. He has even lost his exagerated startle response. I can shout at him but he does not react.

"She was no good for you man"

"Yes she was"

"No she wasn't. She had a dimple on her chin, and you know what that means?

"I don't care what it means"

"Course you do"

"No I don't"

"Yes you do... dimpled chin, devil within"

"That's why I liked her"

Ref: Dimpled chin

Day 65

"Hey skateboy... beat it"

"What for? Ain't doing nothing"

That was a double negative but I let it slip.

"Look dogsbreath, you are breathing, and I have got some sensitive plants in here, now beat it, before I call the cops and have you up for indecent exposure"

"You're whacked man"

He made to whack me with his board, but I spayed him in the eyes with some fungicide.

It is better than Mace that stuff.

Day 64

I fired Janna.

Caught her talking to Jussi the postman about the way to sleep to get the best dreams.

She said "Lie on your back with one leg straight and bend the other leg at the knee and tuck the ankle behind the straight leg to make the shape of the number 4"

Jussi was drooling

"Or if you want really weird dreams then you can reverse the process and make your legs into the shape of the letter P"

Jussi with eyes sticking out on stalks with extasy said

"What happens if you do it lying on your belly"

I had enough of this masonic crap so I fired Janna on the spot and told Jussi

"Go get whipped"

Day 63

Boss came in early.

He notices we have cleaned out the Clemitis section, and Uno and Janna are chopping the hell out of some conifers that I had taken a dislike to.

"Keep up this kind of work, and you are in for a pay rise"

He leaves and I tell Uno to water the hell out of the cactii in the desert section.

Day 62 Sowing

Piggy comes in with a couple of packets of F1 hybrids.

She says with that smile of hers

"I thought we could go into the back room and do some sowing"

"Knock youself out"

Day 61 Funerals

Boss has heard about the funeral wreath stories. From the way his hands are flapping about, he is madder than an Estonian who has just lost the World Air Guitar Championship.

I tell him "Go look it up"

"Look up what?"

"Why do people give wreaths at funerals"

"Save me the trouble smartass... what does it say?"


"What do you mean... nothing"

"Precisely that... nothing."

"But it's a sign of respect!"

"Sign of a bad conscience more like it. Died deserted and demented in an old-folks home. If they had wanted to show some concern they should have bought him a pizza from Monty Cristos and put a smile on his face before he died. He would have appreciated that."

Saturday, August 28, 2004

Day 60 Jumping

Uno is nursing his bruised knuckles. He may be slow in the brain department, but he is quick on his feet.

He is decended from a French Canadian lumberjack who emigrated to Finland. He suffers from the Gilles de la Tourette Syndrome, or to be more specific he was decended from the jumping Frenchmen of Maine.

For example, if he was abruptly asked to strike someone, he would do so without hesitation, even if it was his mother and he had an axe in his hand. If given a short, sudden, quick command, Uno would respond with the appropriate action, often echoing the words of command.

When I shouted at the top of my lungs

"Hit him with that birdseed bag Uno"

It produced the desired effect.

Ref: The jumping frenchmen of Maine

Day 59 Principles

Big bruiser comes into the shop. From the knit of his brows, and the cut of his hair, I can see he is looking for trouble.

"Where is that long streak of misery, that sent my sister home crying"

"Who is you sister?"

"Mervi... who came in here to buy a wreath"

"We don't sell wreaths. It is against our principles"

"And what principles might they be?"

"We like to be life affirming. We do christenings, weddings, birthdays, graduations, celebrations, that type of thing. We don't do death"

"Well I'm about to do death... now where is that slagheap that insulted my sister"

"That would be Uno. He is out the back refilling the bird feeder"

Day 58 Prices

"My daughter came home in tears because you refused to sell her a wreath"


"Well you insulted her, and upset her"

"Do you wan't to pay 50 euros for a wreath?"

"Well not as much as that. Something less expensive"

"40 euros"

"That's a bit high as well"

"30 euros"

"Well I suppose that would be OK"

"We don't do 30 euro wreaths"

"Why not?"

"We don't want to insult the dead"

Day 57 Wreath

"My dad's dead. I need a wreath"

"No you don't"

"Course I do. Everybody gets wreaths when they die"

"Like princess Di?"

"Yeah like Princess Di. That's right"

"Do you happen to know if she appreciated all the flowers and wreaths?"


"She was dead numbnut... so who were the flowers for?"

Buying flowers for people who will never see them or smell them beats me. But hey we've all got to make a living somehow, even if its from the dying.

Friday, August 27, 2004

Day 56 Vomit

"You've given a lot of ladies a lot of pleasure,"

That is what the Queen said to Alan Titchmarsh.

That is what he would like to have it inscribed on his tombstone!

Doesn't it make you want to vomit? How BBC can any one man get?


Day 55 Happy

Checked the shed out back.

The Maryjane seeds are up

Oh Happy day.

Day 54 Trill

The old lady, the pensioner who steals sunflower seeds from the bird feeder came in today.

I confronted her.

"Why do you steal?

"What's it to you?"

"Well you take stuff that doesn't belong to you. Are you poor?


"Well, why do you do it then?"

"The thrill"

Day 53 PC

The boss was well upset this morning.

"Have you been touching my PC"

"No... what makes you think that?"

"It's screwed up beyond all recognition, and won't boot"

"Have a word with Uno and Janna I saw them in your office"


Day 52 Visa

Tried to order some roses oline.

Filled in all the forms chose all the species I wanted.

Chose to pay by Visa. Gave my Visa card number

The calculation came up and said they would charge me an extra 20 euros as a processing charge.

"Screw you" I swore

Then I went to the harddisk of the PC in the bosses office and randomly deleted files until I felt better.

Day 51 Closing

The voice on the telephone sounded desperate

What time do you close?

“In a minute.”

“Good. I was wondering if I could buy some roses for my daughters birthday?”

“Yeah sure”

“Well, I was wondering if it’s, like, okay if I come down and pick them up right now.”

“I’m closing.”

“Can’t you just wait fifteen minutes?”


When they hung up. I put the closed sign on the door and left.

Day 50 Nettles

Considering growing a Hari-Krishna topkot.

If you look different then people think you are an expert.

Down the market Roope has become the herb man

He sells 20 different kind of mint.

Virpi writes out his signs for him. Choclate mint, Orange mint, Lemon mint, Pepper mint, etc.

I say "they all look the same to me"

Roope replies "they are all the same... nettles. I collect them from the waste ground under the motorway"

"Don't people complain?"

"They say they taste a bit nippy"

Day 49 Jaw

Janna is a big girl.

She has a wicked uppercut

My jaw is still sore from yesterday.

I'm taking the afternoon off.

Day 48 Perennials

Janna’s starting a special perennial club.

She reckons everyone’ll join, and she can create a new culb devoted to Finnish perennials.

A culb which will out-culb the Masons.

“We might take over the world!” she wheezes (pollen brings on her asthma attacks). “We’ll only do organic. We’ll refuse to sell our seed to multi-nationals.”

"Not much chance of them wanting your seed Janna"

"You what?"

"Forget it"

Uno and Janna are a pair. Thick as bricks, and twice as stupid. They would be dangerous if they were able to get angry, but anger stupifies them, so when I get as mad as a sackful of rats they just stand around slack jawed. Insults are wasted on them. They don't understand.

Day 47 Compost

I took the corriander and carrot soup into work.

I got Uno to bottle it up in small 5ml bottles and label them as Alan Titchmash's compost accelerator. Uno is not the sharpest blade in the toolbox, so he will do anything I say.

He made up 200 bottles in the morning and we had sold them all for 10 euros each come the afternoon.

I said "We just made 2000 euros from soup we could not eat"

"Did we? I could have eaten some of it"

Tonight I might make some Israeli sweet potato soup. I think it might be a winner.

Day 46 Soup

Today I made carrot and corriander soup.

Here is the recipe
  • one large leak (three quarters white, one quarter green)
  • six organic carrots (fresh from the earth)
  • three tables spoons of olive oil (virgin)
  • three cubes of chicken stock (gourmet)
  • an dash of Aroi Soy sauce (speciality deli)
  • a splash of Lee Perrins Worcestershire sauce ( a quick flip of the wrist is enough)
  • a pot of fresh corriander (home grown)
  • one litre of Evian still water (blue bottle)
  • 250 mls of Valio cream
Cut the leeks roughly up, and fry in the olive oil, when soft add one deci-litre of water. Dice and add the carrot, then the stock cubes, then the Soy and Worcestershire sauce. Add one litre of still water. Simmer until the carrots are soft, then mash with a potatomasher. Shred then add the corriander, then blitz in a blender. Add the cream. Pepper to taste.

It tasted like horse-shit, so I went out and had a pizza.

Day 45 Crystals

Virpi wants to know if it matters what what kind of stones she can use for the hard landscaping. They have landed a gig with a Turkish maniac who has more money than sense.

"Ones with crystals in them"


"Anything with a alpha-omega-triglycerol-polyunsaturated-lattice structure, should get you the right energy levels"


That girl has cotten wool for brains.

Day 44 Feng-shui

I suggest to Roope and Virpi that they do a pilot show on gardening.

"Start off small" I say

"Nick a shopping trolley from EuroSpar, load it up with tools and fertilizer and buzz around the big houses at Soukko to see if you can pick up some landscaping work"

Virpi want to know if they can use Feng-shui


They are up for the idea


Day 43 Flying

Flying gardeners! What a crock of helicopter grease.

Some gay with a Travis haircut and his ears pinned back with gel flying into people backyards to help then design their gardens.

He dumps the plants on them and makes them do all the digging

Then he swooshes off in his helicopter and you get a wide angle shot of the mess he has left them with.

Gardening shows on TV are crap.

Day 42 DIY

This customer comes into the centre, and he’s waving around a copy of Tommy Walsh's DIY Survival, and he’s complaining that he didn’t know he would have to buy all the tools before he could do the jobs he wanted to do.

He’s also complaining that the book is stupid.

He says he doesn’t know why Tommy Walsh should be on TV.

I agree with him

He says he should get a refund.

I tell him I don't stock any Tommy Walsh books.

Apparently his wife had bought it from Stockmans


Day 41 Eco-terrorists

Some eco-terrorists want to buy some giant's hogsweed.

"Don't you know that it is poisonous?"


"Well why not go for some Japanese knotweed"

"Foreign junk"

"Or what about some water hyacynth... clog up a canal in no time"

Eco-terrorists don't have the attention span of a gnat. They have been eating too many magic mushrooms. They wander off to look at terricotta flowerpots.

They left with nothing... their brains as fluid as super refined sewing machine oil.

Day 40 Love

Virpi met up with Roope.

They are in love.

She loved the way he had arranged his stuff under the bridge.

It was so minimalist. Roope did not loose any energy in his space.

The concrete walls of the bridge brought him harmony.

I said to her "Get bent"

Day 39 Virpi

Virpi likes pansies and she is also partial to violas.

Recently she wants to get into roses.

I told her I have a customer who is really into roses... manderin roses specifically

She always carries Feng-Shui books with her, and manderin roses had a certain appeal to her.

I told her I could put her in touch with Roope.

He is a homeless bum who sleeps under a bridge on the West Way.

They deserve each other.

Day 38 Smoking

Customers whined at me all day.

“Where’s the Clemitis section gone?”

I had thrown them all out. Clemitis are crap plants for Finland. They like their roots cool. They want lots of nutrition. They need support.

Uno salvaged a few of them for himself. I told him they were maryjane. He will believe anything.

He is the only idiot I know who has smoked Clemitis.

He is even selling it to the skaterboys down the market.

Day 37 Stupid

Played a whole lot of William Orbit on the stereo today.

Tomorrow I will instruct Uno to plant the maryjane in the flurecent lockup at the end of the outdoor section.

If we get caught. I will balme him.

Uno is so stupid, he won't be able to defend himself.

Day 36 Tichfart

“Do you have any copies of Alan Tichmarch's”


“Why not?”

“I didn’t like Tichfart.”

“Tichfart? did you just say Tichfart?”


“You’re supposed to have copies of all the latest gardening books”

“No I don't”

"Why not?"

"Because I don't do books that have been written by so-called TV personalities, and especially not by perverts who leer at Charlie Dimmock's tits."

Customers are numbnuts.

Day 35 Id

“Can I see your id?”

“Here it is”

“Do you have a badge?”

“This one is official, given to me by Espoo city council”

"That uniform of yours looks fake"

"It's an old one"

“Let me see that parking slip once again”

“You have been illegally parked across the road for over an hour now... just thought I'd let you know”

"Could I interest you in a big coconut palm for free?

"Is that a bribe?"

"God forbid it... no!!!"

I hate trafic wardens.

Day 34 Qualifications

“Have you got your qualifications?”

“I’ve got my driving licence.”


“I’ve got my licence. That should be enough.”

“Enough for what.”

“For buying an orchid, alright?”

“You think a driving licence gives you the right to buy an orchid?”


“No way”

“What kind of salesman are you? Seems you don't want to sell anything”

“Not to cretins like you, who thinks that you can buy an orchid, by showing me your driving licence. Get knotted”

Day 33 Piggy

I’ve known Piggy since University.

She comes in once a fortnight and we fertilized the cucumbers by hand.

Fertilization takes alot of skill.

We do it in a sterile room.

We don't want any contamination.

She said "I'm getting tied of fertilizing cucumbers by hand, couldn't we try something else"

"Knock yourself out" I say

Day 32 Perverts

Dimmock’s got another book out.

It’s crap, of course.

Middle-aged, bald-headed men, come in and want to buy it.


Day 31 Dutchcap

“What’s this plant like?”

“Dutch crap.”

“Did you say Dutch cap?”


“Yes you did”

“Look numb-nut if you are thinking about sex even 6 seconds, see a trick cyclist and don't come around garden centres looking to pick people up”

“I've never been so insulted in my...”

“Do me a favour. Piss off to Interflora. You might get pulled there.”

Day 30 Perks

I don’t pay for rakes.

I don’t pay for spades.

I don’t pay for seeds.

I call them perks that come with the job.

I take them because I need them.

Day 29 Change

This guy comes in every second day to ask for change .

He has 1.50 euros and wants to change them for a 2 euro coin.

I tell him, "Get bent"

He leaves, but will try to the same trick a couple of days later.

Don't people do math any more?

Day 28 Bat

Jussi said “If i were you, man, I’d put a baseball bat under the counter.”

“What for?”

“You can beat the crap out of those pensioners who are always out to rob you!”

“I’m insured.”

“Yea but you have to think of the paperwork... a baseball bat is better... quicker... more satisfying”

I wondered if a baseball bat featured heavily in masonic rituals.

Day 27 Bulbs

Got some new season bulbs in this week.

I threw them in the corner. They were from Holland... they looked like crap.

The Dutch pack any old crap in a slick wrapper and expect it to sell

Would you trust a company that wants to sell you Wordsworth Daffodils, or Burns Roses

Just cos some dead poet has written a poem about a flower, doesn't mean that it is any good.

Can you believe it some people will buy a rose cos it is called Queen Elizabeth.

If anybody buys a stupid bulb that will only dissapoint then I tell them

"Go ahead... knock yourself out"

Day 26 Salesman

“Are you the owner?”

“Maybe... who is asking?”

“Well, I’m here to see if you’d like to buy some books by Charlie Dimmock?”

“Do you have any books on water features?”

“Plenty... would you like to order some?”

“No thanks. Books like that are shit.”

Day 25 Space

She came in again today.

"Could you order this book on water features by Charlie Dimmock for me?"


"Why not?"

"How big is you garden?"

"It is about 5 meters by 4 meters... why?"

"You don't have enough space"

"Charlie Dimmock makes water features in less space"

"All Dimmock does is let her knockers swing as she digs out a sand pit for her polypropelene lining. Its has got nothing to do with water features. Capability Brown did real water features and he needed 20 arces to get the right effect"

"I don't like your attitude... and I"

"And I don't like your attitude either... beat it"

Day 24 Ginger

"Do you have any books by Charlie Dimmock?.


“Do you have any water features designed by Charlie Dimmock?”


"Why not?"

"Because she is ginger... go figure"

She left without a word

Thursday, August 26, 2004

Day 23 Pressing

Some kid’s been pinching flowers from the Clemitis collection.

Little snotnose wears scimpy pants and a T-shirt that shows her belly button. Probably thinks her skeleton frame would detract from the fact she was sniping flowers and putting them in her big crocheted bag

"Why are you stealing flowers from my plants"

"Get real, I'm not stealing anything"

"Don't you realise the selling point for those plants is that they have glorious flowers, and if you nick the flowers then I can't sell them"

"I didn't nick them"

"Then what is that in your bag?"

"I don't know... if they are your stupid flowers then they must have droped in there by accident"

"A Microfleur flower press... you drying flowers?"

"What business is it of yours?"

"It is my business, you little flower nicker"

I called the cops and they arrested the kid and shoved her into the back of their car.

“I didn’t do anything!” She shouted from the backseat of the car

Flowers should be enjoyed when they are alive. It is only perverts that like to look at them when they are dead and dried. Dead flowers don't put any money in my pocket. Dead flowers can last for ever. Dead flowers can put you out of business.

Day 22 Expensive

“But I don’t see why I can’t buy all these flowers at once!”

“Becasue they are expensive”

“But I need them for a wedding night!”


“Well if you don't want my custom I’m going to Interflora!”

I wondered if Interfloa would be dumb enough to give the guy a jungle of flowers for his poxy wedding.

I rang them up.

“Hi, I want a jungle of flowers for my wedding night” I said

“Cash or credit?”


“Call by and make your selection, and we will have them delivered”

Oi vay!!! Cretins.

Day 21 Uno

Got robbed again.

It was the same old age pensioner but this time she had brought along a sidekick to distract me while she robbed the bird feeder of sunflower seeds.

Since setting the cops on her did not work the last time, so I got Uno to hose her down with the pressure hose.

Uno is stupid. He will do anything I say.

He hosed her down good.

Her 35 dernier tights were hanging around her ankles like wet concertinas

She will be back.

Old people have no shame. That is what poverty does to you.

Day 20 Fingernails

It bothered me today that I couldn’t get a better job. Here I am with a PhD, and I am working in a gardening centre.

However, after driving a taxi for a couple of weeks, I realised there're worse jobs.

I like the sun, and I don't mind dirty fingernails

Customers even respect you if your fingernails are dirty.

Tell me what other job could you have, where you can get away with dirty fingernails?

Certainly not at Nokia

Day 19 Skaters

A couple of skaters came into the centre. They like to skateboard down the aisles, out back when nobody is looking.

I turned the sprinklers on full blast and soaked them.

They got wet and waddled back outside... the cuffs of their baggy pants trailing ragged on the ground.

Skaters don’t like water messing with their hair gel.

I don't like skaters

Day 18 Maria

Maria comes in every Friday to order some flowers for the church on Sunday.

She walks through the bouquet section and looks at the lilies.

After a while, she’ll come up with a bunch of flowers and hands them to me.

“This, for Sunday morning.” she says

I say. "OK"

When she leaves I put the flowers back in the cabinet.

On Sunday she comes in and gets something else.

Catholics! They can never make up their minds.

Day 17 Duplicates

“I’ve already got a plant like this one!”


“So, I wanna change it for different one. ”


“Well, can i change it?”


“Why not?”

“It’s not my fault you go and buy something you don’t want. If you didn’t want it, you shouldn’t have got it, right?

" I want to see the manager"

"I am the manager"

He left before I could explain the rule of 5's and 3's. It was more plants that he needed... not less

Day 16 Artificial

“I’m looking for a plant that is easy to take care of.”

“What colour? Yellow?”

“Yes that would be good.”

“Sunflower yellow, or daffodil yellow?”

“I dunno. something yellow.”

I show her an artificial sunflower made of silk paper, which has been put together by the delft fingers of child labour in China. I buy them at 20 for 1 euro and sell them at 1 for 20 euros

“This is made of paper ” she says

I say "It's a flower. It is yellow, and is easy to care for, and will last you a life time. What more do you want?"

She paid her 20 euros and left.

I won't see her again.

Day 15 Closing

It’s been too busy of late, thanks to all the graduations going on

I’m sick of advising customers.

They want to know how long the stem of the rose should be. How many petals the rose should have. How many leaves should be left on the stem.

Who cares? The rose will be dead in a day anyway.

To avoid them, I close early and go home to work in my own garden.

It rained.

Day 14 Roope

Roope will come in and wants to see the rose bush calalogue.

He comes in at eight when we are about to close.

He asks if he can order a rare manderin rose.

I say "Sure"

"When will it arrive?

“With any luck next week” I say.

I never order anything for him.

Roope is a bum who does not have a garden.

He sleeps in a tunnel under the motorway.

Day 13 Roses

It got real busy at lunchtime today, with customers seeking roses to buy for their kids graduations.

Graduations are almost as good as deaths when it comes to flower sales.

Deaths give you regular trade with wreaths, but since graduations only come once a year then to make the most of it you have to bump up the price.

Yesterday the roses were 5 euros a bunch. Today I will charge 15 euros for a single rose which I got Janna to spray with some cheap golden spray.

Some customer says "These roses are expensive"


"I need to go to my car to get some more money"


When she leaves I shut the door and locked it, and put up a sign Out for lunch.

She came back and hammered on the glass door.

I ignored her

After a while she went away.

Day 12 Jeans

A dwarf came up to the counter today, asking for Jussi the postman.

He had the turnups on his jeans turned way up so they were almost up to his knees.

I wondered if this was something masonic or if he had just bought his jeans too long.

Day 11 Dwarfs

This customer demanded his money back.

He’d gotten how to build a dwarf retaining walls by that pillock who is a friend of Dimmocks.

“This book useless!”

I told him he was a moron, trying to lay cement in the rain. Sure it works on Ground Force, but that is TV and there is nothing real on there. If he’d used his common sense and tried to make the wall during a sunny day everthing would have been OK. But just because Tommy Walsh does everything in a downpour, doesn't mean that he should be stupid enough to copy him.

I didn’t give him a refund, the book had cement all over its pages.

As he left the centre I shouted after him "How many dwarfs do you have in your bloody area that you need a wall to retain them?"

Day 10 Freemason

Jussi, the postman, comes in every thursday.

He doesn’t ever buy anything.

He just wants to shake my hand and stand at weird angles at the counter.

I think he is trying to find out if I am a Freemason or not.

I ignore him.

Day 9 Eden

One of my regulars keeps talking about the lost gardens of Helligan.

“I can’t believe they just abandoned that garden after the war! that’s so sad!”

"Lady" I say, "The gardeners were all canon fodder for that lunatic Haigh."

“War turns fields into mud but after some time you get poppies growing there”

"Poppies are big business come rememberance day, and it is good for the garden centre. What we need is a few more wars to commemorate. Deaths are always good for business in the flower trade."

She left without buying anything. But she will be back to talk about the Eden project.

You can bet on it.

Day 8 Clemitis

Put up a notice today about a course on Clemitis.

To attend the course you have to qualify.

to participate: the customer must be female and under 25.

to participate: the customer must have good teeth. Dental hygene is important.

to participate: the customer must bring her own clemitis plant so we can discuss it.

Since under 25 year old females, with good teeth, and who would be able to clemitis in Finnish conditions, would never come into the centre. I am safe in the knowledge that no-one will apply for the course.

The boss said "you won't get anybody on that clemitis course"


Day 7 Mixing

Today I wandered around the centre putting plants where they shouldn't be

The delicate plants I put in the hardy perenials sections.

If people are fool enough to buy plants without knowing anything about them, then let them waste their money.

Least they will learn something once the plants die.

They need to go figure.

Day 6 Ferns

Got a bunch of ferns today.

I put them in a flurescent cabinet with a mist making machine and temperature control.

They look great.

I sell them all by mid-day.

People like buying bits of the jungle.

The people who bought them, will be back within a week, complaining the ferns are dead.

I won’t give their money back. I will say my favourite phrase to them.

"So? Go figure."

Day 5 Pensioner

Got robbed by an old age pensioner.

She stole some sunflower seeds.

How stupid is that? The growing season is over. Did she need them for her muesli?

I called the cops and they picked her up outside the centre and searched her.

Day 4 Dimmock

“Do you have any books by Charlie Dimmock?”


“What? No Charlie Dimmock books? Why not?”

“Because I don't like big breasted women, with no talent, who have made a fortune on TV by lifting heavy flagstones whilst not wearing a bra. Besides she is a ginger”

“How can you say that?”

“I just did.”

Day 3 Orchids

“I don’t see why you need to see some proof that I am a good gardener, that’s stupid!”

“You see, an orchid need special attention. If you don't know how to look after it then you might kill it”

“That’s stupid, I don't have any qualifications.”

“You said it lady, and you are not buying any orchids from here”

“But I have money to pay for it”

“So? Go figure.”

Day 2 Acne

This customer comes in to the centre today.

She says, “what can you recommend?”

I said, “a skin graft.”

she thinks I’m joking.

She has a bad case of acne.

She leaves without buying anything.

Day 1 Customers

I dig customers.

No, really. They are all individuals.

Like potatoes, ginger, or sunchoke roots.

They are small as mustard seeds.

As big as watermelons.

Some of them are rotten and diseased

I dig customers.