Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Day 155 Honour

I wrote Roope a letter. Here's what I said.

Look I admit I have made mistakes in the past, and I am sorry for all that has been said about you and Virpi. It was wrong of me to suggest that she had done a Boris Becker in the broom cupboard with Uno.

Even although until recently you have been sleeping rough in the tunnel under the West Way I wholeheartedly believe that since you have moved into a council flat your sensibilities have become so much sharper and you have become the archetypal man of honour who remains ever alert for any insult, actual or suspected, that would impugn your dignity.

I am fully aware that you have challenged me to a duel, and I would like to bring to your attention a matter of dueling ettiquette. Namely duels are fought between members of the same social class, and since you have moved up in the world, (living in a selfcontained one room apartment) and I remain so low, (living with my mother) you must realise that if you were to soil your hands on a ruffian such as myself, the mere act would stain your reputation in the eyes of decent society.

Therefore I beg of you, take pity on yourself, for if you continue to persue this reckless desire for blood letting, you will find yourself ostracized by the community, for a man of honour is also a man who exercises mercy and forgiveness"

I farted in the envelope and posted the letter to him without a stamp.

Monday, November 29, 2004

Day 154 Duel

Jussi comes in he is no more edgey than usual. He always has a kind of nervousness to him. Always expecting someone to jump out at him from the shadows, or a very heavy weight to fall on him from a great height. It is because he is so steeped in conspiricy theories.

"Roope sent me around."

"Oh yeah. So?"

"He feels you have insulted him and Virpi. It is a question of honour, and he is challenging you to a duel. He has asked me to act as his second."

"Oh yeah, and what are we going to use for weapons... snowballs?"

"You have to find yourself a second and get him to come and discuss that with me. Protocol you know"

"Well friends are a bit thin on the ground at the moment, so I can't come up with a second, so you will have to tell Roope the duel is off. Protocol you know"

"It's not to the death or anything like that... first blood and then it is over, honour satisfied."

"You mean to say that at the sight of blood all the old debts are cancelled, all the wrongs I have done to Roope, all the lies and all the cheating will be forgotten?"

"Yep! and if he could scar you for life that would be a bonus. A sort of testimony that things have been sorted between you two"

"Get bent"

Day 153 Rage

Roope comes storming in. He looks like he has had his nuts squeezed in a vice. He is a putrid yellow with rage. He could have been soaked in month old piss and sun-dried. He was so bitter, sour, and yellow, which was lucky, if he had been red with rage, then I know I would have been in trouble.

"So it was all lies that you told me about Virpi and Uno?"

"Yes but..."

"No buts... how could you do this?"

"It was Virpi's idea. She thought it up. Wanted to see how you would react. See if you really loved her." I lied.

"What? I cant believe my ears here."

"Check it out. She won't admit it, but honest, between you and me, it was her idea."

Roope leaves with his eyes crossed, looking like he had been hit on the back of the head with a baseball bat. He had a stooped forward "I'm gonna get you" look on his face.

It is better that they argue with each other, rather than with me.

Friday, November 26, 2004

Day 152 Liar

For some reason I was pissed off at Roope. Maybe it was because the council had given him an appartment and was paying his rent. Him who has never done an honest days work in his life is no longer sleeping in a tunnel under the WestWay, but instead is warm and comfy in a one room apartment. So to make him feel less comfortable I told him Virpi was having an affair with Uno.

Virpi comes storming into the centre and her tits are on fire.

"You're a goddamned liar"

"No I'm not"

"Yes you are"

"No I'm not"

"Yes you are"

I relent. This conversation is going nowhere.

"Yes I am"


"I'm a goddamned liar"

"So you admit it?

"Yes. I lie all the time. I lie for my own safety. I lie to make other people miserable. I blame other people for things they didn't do. I blame other people for the wrong things I do. I lie to keep secrets. I cover up things that I don't want other people to know, with a veil of lies. I lie when I get drunk cos that's what you do. Because life is boring I lie to spice things up. I lie because it makes me feel alive. Lying keeps me on my toes. Lying keeps my mind active. Lying exercises my memory. To be a good liar you need to have an exceptional memory to remember all the untruths you have told.

Virpi interupts. "But what about truth? What about trust? What about respect?"

"Yeah I suppose I can see your point" I lied.

Day 151 Sneeze

No matter how accurate your aim, and even with the best intention in the world, if you sneeze while you are having a slash, you are going to spray the floor.

Women will never be able to understand this.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Day 150 Queues

I have a hangover. I want to make people feel as bad as I do. There is nothing worse than standing in a queue that is not moving, so I get behind the counter.

A fat blonde with bright red lipstick steps up to the counter with an amaryllis and smiles at me. I ignore her. Her makeup and mascara will run before she gets served.

A couple of kids, hot in winter suits joins the queue behind her. I give them a John Wayne salute, and a smile, then pretend to be looking for something under the counter. I am going to make them sweat.

A thin stick of a man with a couple of small iciles hanging from his moustache gets behind the kids. He is struggling to hold a slippery 20kg bag of peat. That bag is going to get heavier. I find a ball of string that has been unravelled and I stand and look at the growing queue and begin to wind the loose end of the string up into a ball. I whistle while I work.

A fat porker in a bomber jacket joins the back of the queue. He is hopping from foot to foot. Fit to fart, or pressured for a pish. He will have to exert extreme bladder and sphincter control, because this queue is not moving. I pick up a pile of receipts and begin to feed numbers into a calculator. I ignore the lot of them.

"Excuse me could we have some service?" says the porker at the back of the queue.

"What?" I say pretending I haven't heard him.

He shifts his weight from one leg to the other. I guess he is trying not to fart. Not in a public place, and especially not in a queue.

"I said..." and he leans forward and lets one rip, "Can we have some service?"

Everyboby turns around and looks at him. He gets embarrassed. When somebody is dangling on a hook like that you don't let them off easy. So I said.

"Did you just make that monsterous fart? That god awful smell that's polluting the shop and causing the plants to wilt?"

"Never mind who did what... how about some service?

"Sorry mate, no can do"

"What do you mean, no can do"

"The till"

"The till, what's wrong with the till"

"Nothing... it's just that I am not allowed to use it. Boss doesn't trust me because of my criminal record"

"Well get someone who can operate the till"

"Ok Ok, keep your shirt on"

I go off to the coffee room and pour myself a coffee and sit down and read the newspaper. Outside the queue gets longer. Uno comes in and I say to him.

"Go out and serve the customers at the till"

"But you know I don't do maths, and the boss wont let me on the till"

"Just get out there and serve the customers until that queue is finnished"

Uno slouches out to the counter to serve the customers.

I feel better already.

Saturday, November 20, 2004

Day 149 Crotch

It is skateboys last day. I am glad he has done his time. I couldn't have taken one more day of him walking around grabbing his crotch. I said to him

"Why do you keep on grabbing your crotch"

"Waddja mean grabbing my crotch, I dondoda" he said grabbing his crotch

"You just did. Right there in front of me. You grabbed your crotch"

"Me? grab my crotch, no freaking way man"

I think his yeast infection is playing up, either that or he has been watching too many Eminem videos. A whole generation of young men are growing up grabbing their crotch. What is the world coming to? Nobody puts their hand down the top of their trousers any more.

Friday, November 19, 2004

Day 148 Conflict.

The boss was taking a dig at me for taking time off work yesterday. He gave me a right hosing down in front of Uno. Uno didn't say a word in my defence. Didn't even mention it was my birthday. So after the boss left, I hit him with my aphorism.

"In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."

He just blinked, and I realised I had wasted it on him. Uno never speaks very much anyways.

So much for Martin Luther King Jr.

Day 147 Birthday

It is my birthday today. I decided not to go into work. I stayed at home and looked up aphorisms on the internet. I found one that I like. I will have to look out for suitable situations where I can say it, and claim it as my own.

Day 146 Gladioli

I have never been able to handle, or touch, far less look at Gladioli, since that singer Morrissey had some hanging out the back pocket of his jeans at some concert of his.

It gives me the shudders just to imagine it.

Friday, November 05, 2004

Day 145 Music

The skateboy gives me a Westside salute palms down. I ignore him.

"Did you see that Eminem Mosh video? I mean he is out there man, motivating the youth, getting them to the polls, keeping it real, then there was all them old rockers against Bush, like Bruce Whatyoumacallum, and Jackson Whatever.

He grabs the crotch of his trousers and gives it a yank. Why the crotch has to be down around his knees I don't know

"MTV should have kicked ass and got the job done for Kerry, but no, it is the Country Singers that swing it for Bush. Did you see that map, of who won, what state. It was just a big swatch of red through the heartland, where them red-necks and bible-bashers listen to Dolly Parton, and Earle Scruggs"

He flips his baseball cap to the side so the peak is over his left ear.

"Can you believe it? Country music got George Bush elected"

I can believe it an it makes me glad, since it pisses Skateboy off.

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Day 144 Skateboy.

So we cut a deal. A deal that was not good for us, and a deal that was not good for him. We don't want him working for us, and he doesn't want to work for us. The deal is called community service, but the law and the lawyers are satisfied, and if you can keep the law and lawyers out of your life then things are so much easier. So much better.

So we are willing to have skateboy work at the centre for a week, just so we don't have to have another conversation with a lawyer.

It is the lesser of two evils.

Monday, November 01, 2004

Day 143 Infection

"Our client has been in contact with a specialist at the STD centre in Espoo and they are of the opinion that the combination of fungal and yeast infection could only have come from an over-ripe pumpkin"


"Furthermore we will be taking legal action against your company on two counts, namely the slanderous accusations that have been made against our client regarding his aformentioned assignation with a pumpkin on your establishment"

"Hold on a second"

"And we will be exacting maximum claims for damages, since our client has suffered ridicule and scorn over this pumpkin incident, and we will also claim for full medical expenses for the ongoing treatment of his fungal/yeast infection."

"Let me get this clear. He screws a pumpkin, gets infected, and everybody laughs at him, and he wants to sue us?"


"Dream on"

"However my client is of the opinion that if all charges are droped agaist him regarding criminal damage, then he would be willing to forget the whole matter. We would strongly advise you that the adverse publicity generated by this case, if it is taken to court, would serverely have a negative impact on the sales of plants from you emporium, and I am sure you would wish to avoid any circumstances that would lead to the damage of your reputation as a high class garden centre selling quality produce"

That's what you get. First you bring in halloween from America, and the next thing you know you have opened the door for American style lawyers. They speak so fine but they don't make much sense.