Thursday, April 28, 2005

Day 193 Liverpool

Uno and Jussi have just won 10,000 Euros by betting on Liverpool to draw 0-0 with Chelsea. They are all fired up. It is in the stars they say. Jussi has been receiving messages from the "space brothers" who once abducted Sami Hyypia and did an operation on him to give him super-powers.

Apparently it is in the cosmic plans of the "space bothers" that Liverpool should win the European cup and thus bring about an Armageddon of sorts in Istanbul, or Constantinople as Jussi prefers to call it.

Jussi contends that the Brits are in actual fact the ten lost tribes of Israel and that they are represented by Liverpool, who will defeat AC Milan those popish catholic Italians.

This makes perfect sence to them since they are cracked out of their skulls on Koskenvorva

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Day 192 Car

Uno was selling some bails of hay to a man who belonged to a well know Finnish ethnic minority who have a keen interest in horses. They were haggling over the price of the bails of hay, which we usually only sell to line rabbit hutches.

The boss of the garden centre rolls up in his new Mercedes-Benz S 500 4Matic and Uno's jaw drops at the sight of the new car. That thing would cost 5 years wages for him. How can anybody afford cars like that? Those cars had been christened "Halonen's" since only the prime minister could afford to drive one, or somebody who is obscenely rich.

The horse loving man who belonged to the Finnish ethnic minority, noticed that Uno was pop-eyed impressed at the sight of this paragon of automotive engineering, so he remarked.

"I've got one like that at home... but it has got a bigger engine."

"Stroll on John... no kidding" said the slack jawed Uno.

I don't know which is worse. People who tell lies, or those that believe lies

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Day 191 Thought

Hold that thought:

Without advertisements we could be happy without even knowing why.

Monday, April 18, 2005

Day 190 Apophenia

Uno has come up with this scheme to get rich quick. It is all based of some story that Jussi has told him. Jussi is all about apophenia theories and he has come up with the following facts.

In 1978 - the Pope died. Wales won the Six Nations rugby internationals. Liverpool lost in the final of the League Cup to the eventual League Champions, and Liverpool went on and won the European Cup.

In 2005 - the Pope has died. Wales have won the Six Nations. Liverpool have lost in the final of the League Cup to the (certain) eventual League Champions, and so it is blindingly obvious to anyone who has an eye for historical facts, and a penchant for astrology that Liverpool will go on and win the Champions League.

Uno plans to bet his life savings on this plan, and asked me what I thought of the idea. So I told him straight.

"Knock yourself out!!!"

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Day 189 Poetry

Uno wanted to know about poetry. I told him it is easy to recognised a poem. All the first letters of every line is a capital.

Day 187 Art

Uno disgraced himself. He went to Kiasma and pissed in an art installation that he mistook for a urinal.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Day 186 Bees

Big swarm of bees landed in the back yard and were hanging like a treacle teardrop from our weeping willow tree. It was sort of scarey for the customers and Uno was asking what he should do. I gave him these options.

Poke the swarm viciously with a stick.

Supersoaker filled with petrol and a lighter.

Failing that a can of hair spray and a match should work.

Hoover them up with a vacuum cleaner.

Blast them away with a shotgun.