Day 178 Pygmy

Uno tries to tell a joke.

"The Fukawe are this pygmy tribe. They live in the bush....right?"

He's forgotten this part, or maybe he never heard it properly. Is this going to be another Uno joke that just peters out?

"...somewhere in Africa" he rushes ahead, eager to get to the punch line.

"And they're so small they keep getting lost in the tall grass; it's like a jungle to them, dense like. But they have to keep moving through it anyway, because they're like nomads, or... or maybe there's another tribe out hunting them. Anyway, it doesn't matter. Thing is, you see they're always on the march through this tall grass that would only be butt-high to anybody else, but it is up over their heads. And as they go you can hear them chanting their war chant, 'We're the Fukawe, we're the Fukawe!'"

Nice one Uno.

Day 177 Richest.

Thought for today:

The richest man on the earth...

is the one with the most money.

Day 176 Valentines

We did something special for St Valentines day.

We trebled the price of everything.

Day 175 Hold it

Got a phone call today asking for a Charlie Dimmock book.

I said "This is a incontinence clinic, can you hold a minute?"

Day 174 Avalanche

Back at work and Uno tells me this increbible story. I believe him straight away. It is so unreal it has to be true. He tells me a man was traped in his car by an avalanche and he pissed his way to freedom. Apparently he it was too cold for him to dig his way out but he had 60 bottles of beer and he drunk them all then peed his way out of the avalanche.

I wish I could piss my way out of my troubles.

Day 173 Sauna

It was a stupid thing to do but I did it anyway. I bought some vodka from Alko and took it with me to the swimming pool at EspoonKeskus. I drank half the bottle in the changing rooms and the rest I took into the sauna and threw it on the hot stones.

Now breathing in alcohol fumes does something funny to your chest. It tightens up like you were being strapped into an electric chair with a leather belt. The vision goes. Well more like comes and goes with every beat of your heart. It blurs in time to your pulse... a sort of slow strobe effect without the strobe lights.

It was then that I thought, I've paid my money, am going to go swimming. I didn't make it. I stumbled and fell head first into the Jacuzzi on my way to the pool.

The attendants pulled me out and called the police. I lied and told them I had had a blackout. Diabetes... low blood sugar. Nobody want to admit that they want to go drunk swimming. That would be crazy.