"Are you saying I'm depressed because I am a woman"
"No Piggy of coure not"
"Women can do the same work as men, yet we don't get paid the same wages"
"That's so true, and so unfair"
"We get used and abused as sex objects, discriminated against in our jobs. Fired if we are pregnant. Fired if we even hint at sexual harrassment in the work place. Tied to the kitchen sink and left to slave over a hot stove, and you wonder why we get depressed?"
"I was only saying..."
"You never listen, that's your problem. You are the one who needs therapy"
"Sorry"
"Don't you sorry me"
"Look I made a mistake"
"To right you did"
"I was upset. I wasn't thinking straight. I was unkind. I should never have said
Iv'e meet many a woman who can act like a man but very few that can act like a gentleman"
With that Piggy ran out sobbing like a cat strung up on barbed wire. All I could do was shrug my shoulders and lift the palms of my hands heavenwards.
"Tell me what did I say wrong... just tell me?"
Monday, September 06, 2004
Day 92 Periods
Piggy says she don't want to graft no more.
"I got anhedonia"
"Yes?"
"It's like I can't get any pleasure from things that should be pleasureable"
"Mmmmm?"
"It is the number one warning sign that you have become depressed"
"Do you also feel that people are out to get you? That they want to harm you? Spread lies about you behind your back? Sow seeds of doubt about your ability cope? Do you have an overwhealming urge to let the air out of the tyres of any BMW that you see, just in case it might be used as a get away car... used by someone who wants to kidnap you?"
"Yeah... you are so sweet... so sensitive... how do you know these things"
I only smile and say nothing, but I know in my heart of hearts, it's that time of the month again.
"I got anhedonia"
"Yes?"
"It's like I can't get any pleasure from things that should be pleasureable"
"Mmmmm?"
"It is the number one warning sign that you have become depressed"
"Do you also feel that people are out to get you? That they want to harm you? Spread lies about you behind your back? Sow seeds of doubt about your ability cope? Do you have an overwhealming urge to let the air out of the tyres of any BMW that you see, just in case it might be used as a get away car... used by someone who wants to kidnap you?"
"Yeah... you are so sweet... so sensitive... how do you know these things"
I only smile and say nothing, but I know in my heart of hearts, it's that time of the month again.
Day 91 Auli
Auli is doing well in Estonia. He has a big resturant chain, and he plays the harmonica really badly, but nobody would ever tell him that.
When he comes into the centre I say.
"Hey harmonica man how's it blowing?"
"Za lip, she need za fresh bazil. Ah no can play so good wizout za bazil
Auli comes in regular and collects pots of basil for free.
"You happen have za bazil... no???"
"Hey harmonica man we always got the green stuff for you. Special sown. Special grown."
"You come to Tallin. I cook you special soup. Soup you won't forget in a hurry"
"Sure thing Auli. anything you say"
"Stay cool"
Believe me you don't want to mess with anything from Estonia. As far as I am concerned Auli is Little Walter reincarnated.
When he comes into the centre I say.
"Hey harmonica man how's it blowing?"
"Za lip, she need za fresh bazil. Ah no can play so good wizout za bazil
Auli comes in regular and collects pots of basil for free.
"You happen have za bazil... no???"
"Hey harmonica man we always got the green stuff for you. Special sown. Special grown."
"You come to Tallin. I cook you special soup. Soup you won't forget in a hurry"
"Sure thing Auli. anything you say"
"Stay cool"
Believe me you don't want to mess with anything from Estonia. As far as I am concerned Auli is Little Walter reincarnated.
Day 90 Spyware
Jussi returns to the topic of webs.
"Did you know that every keystoke you make on your computer is being sent back to Google or Alexa or Microsoft?
"Well knock me out... is that so?"
"Tons of Sypware and adware are being secretly loaded onto your computer."
"You don't say?"
"Everytime you dowload a porno mpeg, you get a tracker installed on your hardisk"
"Is that right?"
"And they track your bank account details and scan your disk for passwords and pin numbers"
"Well blow me"
"The WEB is becoming a dangerous place... who do you think is behind it all?"
"The Freemasons"
If this was true it was news to Jussi. He left in a perplexed mood, wondering if I was a grandmaster imparting a secret truth to him, who only had a rudimentary knowledge of the craft.
"Did you know that every keystoke you make on your computer is being sent back to Google or Alexa or Microsoft?
"Well knock me out... is that so?"
"Tons of Sypware and adware are being secretly loaded onto your computer."
"You don't say?"
"Everytime you dowload a porno mpeg, you get a tracker installed on your hardisk"
"Is that right?"
"And they track your bank account details and scan your disk for passwords and pin numbers"
"Well blow me"
"The WEB is becoming a dangerous place... who do you think is behind it all?"
"The Freemasons"
If this was true it was news to Jussi. He left in a perplexed mood, wondering if I was a grandmaster imparting a secret truth to him, who only had a rudimentary knowledge of the craft.
Day 89 Earings
Some skateboarders stole some chewing gum from near the checkout and bolt for it.
Some woman in brown, who thinks it is the new black, smiles and says.
"Kids. You've got to love them. The little rascals”
"Not on my time lady"
"Lighten up will you, it was only a few packets of chewing gum, it is not the end of the world"
She came back a few hours later, rather distressed, wanting to know if I’d seen her clip-on gold earings.
"Afraid not mam"
"But they must have droped off while I was walking through the jungle area. If you find them will you let me know?"
"Sure thing"
She left and I called Piggy and asked her around for a rose grafting session. I will give her the earings to wear while we get to work. She will like that.
Some woman in brown, who thinks it is the new black, smiles and says.
"Kids. You've got to love them. The little rascals”
"Not on my time lady"
"Lighten up will you, it was only a few packets of chewing gum, it is not the end of the world"
She came back a few hours later, rather distressed, wanting to know if I’d seen her clip-on gold earings.
"Afraid not mam"
"But they must have droped off while I was walking through the jungle area. If you find them will you let me know?"
"Sure thing"
She left and I called Piggy and asked her around for a rose grafting session. I will give her the earings to wear while we get to work. She will like that.
Day 88
Jussi the postman who is obsessed by Free-masons came in to day.
He siddled up to the counter and looked at me and then looked down at his feet.
I think he was trying to tell me something.
"I have a question for you"
"Yeah?"
"Why don't spiders get caught in their own webs?
"Well you see it is like this spiders are able to spin different types of web. Sticky stuff and non sticky stuff, and when they walk over their webs they are able to walk on the non-sticky stuff"
"Like Teflon... you mean?"
"Exactly... you got it"
He siddled up to the counter and looked at me and then looked down at his feet.
I think he was trying to tell me something.
"I have a question for you"
"Yeah?"
"Why don't spiders get caught in their own webs?
"Well you see it is like this spiders are able to spin different types of web. Sticky stuff and non sticky stuff, and when they walk over their webs they are able to walk on the non-sticky stuff"
"Like Teflon... you mean?"
"Exactly... you got it"
Day 87
Uno has announced that he wants to go to university.
"What will you study?"
"I don't know"
"Well do you have any qualifications to get in?"
"What do you need qualifications for?"
"They won't let you into University if you don't have qualifications"
"Could you write me some qualifications?"
"Sure Uno. How many do you want? I do them at 100 euro a qualification"
"A couple to start off with. I think"
"What will you study?"
"I don't know"
"Well do you have any qualifications to get in?"
"What do you need qualifications for?"
"They won't let you into University if you don't have qualifications"
"Could you write me some qualifications?"
"Sure Uno. How many do you want? I do them at 100 euro a qualification"
"A couple to start off with. I think"
Day 86
People complain about my attitude.
I have been called a liar, a cheat, a moron, rude, insufferable, impolite, uncouth, badass, jerkoff, asswipe, rasclot, bald bigot, idiot, freak, twerp, bird-brain, no good, warped, bent, twisted, greaseball, pervert.
Hey but who cares what customers think?
I have been called a liar, a cheat, a moron, rude, insufferable, impolite, uncouth, badass, jerkoff, asswipe, rasclot, bald bigot, idiot, freak, twerp, bird-brain, no good, warped, bent, twisted, greaseball, pervert.
Hey but who cares what customers think?
Day 85
Today I put up a help wanted poster on the front window.
I am looking for a hosta expert.
Finns are crazy about Hostas.
Then they plant them in full sun in an area infested with slugs
The plants die or get eaten to bits.
This is why I want a Hosta expert. Someone to field the flak, when all the complaints start rolling in.
I won't tell them this of course.
I am looking for a hosta expert.
Finns are crazy about Hostas.
Then they plant them in full sun in an area infested with slugs
The plants die or get eaten to bits.
This is why I want a Hosta expert. Someone to field the flak, when all the complaints start rolling in.
I won't tell them this of course.
Sunday, September 05, 2004
Day 84
"I see you have a sign outside advertising "Spit roasted psychoactive toads"
"So?"
"Well we have just had a call in from the local hospital, that they have picked up 12 skateboarders from the shopping centre, who have been attempting death defying jumps on top of a handrail, that was installed to help the old aged pensioners get down the steps. All of these skateborders complain of impaired vision, the result of which caused each and everyone of them to fall off their skateboad, and straddle the handrail in the most painful fashion. The paramedics reported that they were making sounds which simulated a starter motor turning over in the Finnish winter when the temperature is 20 below"
"So?"
"All of them were incoherant and when questioned could only repeat "Spit roasted psychoactive toads", and since you have a sign which advertises the aforementioned items, we thought it would be prudent to start our investigations here"
"Sorry officer but we don't know anything about toads"
"Then why so you have a sign outside advertising them at 20 euro each"
"Kids... they are always fooling about. Someone else has put up that sign as a joke"
"So you don't know anything about spit roasted psychoactive toads"
"No"
"So?"
"Well we have just had a call in from the local hospital, that they have picked up 12 skateboarders from the shopping centre, who have been attempting death defying jumps on top of a handrail, that was installed to help the old aged pensioners get down the steps. All of these skateborders complain of impaired vision, the result of which caused each and everyone of them to fall off their skateboad, and straddle the handrail in the most painful fashion. The paramedics reported that they were making sounds which simulated a starter motor turning over in the Finnish winter when the temperature is 20 below"
"So?"
"All of them were incoherant and when questioned could only repeat "Spit roasted psychoactive toads", and since you have a sign which advertises the aforementioned items, we thought it would be prudent to start our investigations here"
"Sorry officer but we don't know anything about toads"
"Then why so you have a sign outside advertising them at 20 euro each"
"Kids... they are always fooling about. Someone else has put up that sign as a joke"
"So you don't know anything about spit roasted psychoactive toads"
"No"
Saturday, September 04, 2004
Day 83
Roope came up with the idea.
He passed it on to Virpi.
And Uno, as ever completed the task.
We had spit roast psychoactive toads for breakfast.
Virpi says they taste like chicken.
Roope says they taste like glacial rainbows.
Uno does not say anything.
He is unconcious, having eaten one too many psychoactive toad.
He deserves all he gets.
He passed it on to Virpi.
And Uno, as ever completed the task.
We had spit roast psychoactive toads for breakfast.
Virpi says they taste like chicken.
Roope says they taste like glacial rainbows.
Uno does not say anything.
He is unconcious, having eaten one too many psychoactive toad.
He deserves all he gets.
Friday, September 03, 2004
Day 82
Jussi talked to Virpi, and Virpi talked to Uno, and they came up with a plan.
The plan was to make the Psychoactive Toads even more venomous.
The plan invloved Uno catching all of the toads and letting them loose in the Maryjane house.
The plan involved the frogs eating the Maryjane leaves and hence producing a blended venom.
The plan backfired. The toads stripped the plants bare and died with smiles on their faces.
My head hurts as though it were a bag of feritts fighting over a bone.
That is what happens when you say "OK"
The plan was to make the Psychoactive Toads even more venomous.
The plan invloved Uno catching all of the toads and letting them loose in the Maryjane house.
The plan involved the frogs eating the Maryjane leaves and hence producing a blended venom.
The plan backfired. The toads stripped the plants bare and died with smiles on their faces.
My head hurts as though it were a bag of feritts fighting over a bone.
That is what happens when you say "OK"
Day 81
Found this posted on the inside of the toilet door today.
THEM TOAD SUCKERS
How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods?
Sittin' there suckin' them green toady-frogs.
Suckin' them hop-toads, suckin' them chunkers,
Suckin' them leapy-types, suckin' them plunkers.
Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy?
Suckin' them bog-frogs sure makes 'em happy.
Them hugger-mugger toad suckers, way down south,
Stickin' them sucky-toads in their mouth.
How to be a toad sucker? No way to duck it.
Gittchyself a toad, rear back and suck it!
-- Mason Williams 1964 --
THEM TOAD SUCKERS
How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods?
Sittin' there suckin' them green toady-frogs.
Suckin' them hop-toads, suckin' them chunkers,
Suckin' them leapy-types, suckin' them plunkers.
Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy?
Suckin' them bog-frogs sure makes 'em happy.
Them hugger-mugger toad suckers, way down south,
Stickin' them sucky-toads in their mouth.
How to be a toad sucker? No way to duck it.
Gittchyself a toad, rear back and suck it!
-- Mason Williams 1964 --
Day 80
"Bufo alvarius! that is what we need for our jungle/water area"
"Get what you want, just don't do anything with water that involves Charlie Dimmock, except perhaps drown her in it"
"Living creatures absord all the negative energy. Green tree frogs will bring prosperity"
"Hold on... wait a minute... your bringing in New World Psychoactive Toads"
"Frogs!!!"
"Toads!!!"
"Toads- shmods, Frogs-Blogs, Whatever!!!
Virpi is spending to much time with Roope sleeping out under the motorway.
"Get what you want, just don't do anything with water that involves Charlie Dimmock, except perhaps drown her in it"
"Living creatures absord all the negative energy. Green tree frogs will bring prosperity"
"Hold on... wait a minute... your bringing in New World Psychoactive Toads"
"Frogs!!!"
"Toads!!!"
"Toads- shmods, Frogs-Blogs, Whatever!!!
Virpi is spending to much time with Roope sleeping out under the motorway.
Day 79
These two things I have found out in life. When I say
"So?"
I don't get into trouble but if I say
"OK"
Then I usually find I have catapulted myself straight into the midden.
I must remember to stop saying OK. It never turns out to be good for me when I say that.
To say "OK" is to give in. To say "So?" means you can retain your independance. I mention this to Roope.
He says "Whatever!!!"
"So?"
I don't get into trouble but if I say
"OK"
Then I usually find I have catapulted myself straight into the midden.
I must remember to stop saying OK. It never turns out to be good for me when I say that.
To say "OK" is to give in. To say "So?" means you can retain your independance. I mention this to Roope.
He says "Whatever!!!"
Day 78
Virpi says "We need some heavy stones to concentrate the energy in here"
She breathes down the back of my neck
"And big plants with big leaves"
I try to move out of the way. She is in my face again.
"And water... flowing water"
I lock myself in the toilet
"And if you want to make money then you have to move that wastebasket away from under the till"
"OK OK OK now will you just leave me alone"
Feng-shui me with a barge pole. I should never have said OK.
She breathes down the back of my neck
"And big plants with big leaves"
I try to move out of the way. She is in my face again.
"And water... flowing water"
I lock myself in the toilet
"And if you want to make money then you have to move that wastebasket away from under the till"
"OK OK OK now will you just leave me alone"
Feng-shui me with a barge pole. I should never have said OK.
Thursday, September 02, 2004
Day 77
Virpi says she as Asperger's Syndrome
She says that Feng-shui is a god send.
She loves to move furniture around and set things in order.
She says that Feng-shui is a god send.
She loves to move furniture around and set things in order.
Day 76
Virpi came in to day. She was wearing a tight yellow T-shirt. The lettering across the chest said
Children in the back seat of cars cause accidents
She always was a bit green that girl. A bit of a tree hugger.
When she went out the door I noticed that she had another slogan printed on the back of the T-shirt.
Accidents in the back seat of cars cause children
Guess nobody is going to Feng-shui her then.
Children in the back seat of cars cause accidents
She always was a bit green that girl. A bit of a tree hugger.
When she went out the door I noticed that she had another slogan printed on the back of the T-shirt.
Accidents in the back seat of cars cause children
Guess nobody is going to Feng-shui her then.
Wednesday, September 01, 2004
Day 75
Wore my new sweater to work today. Uno commented on it.
"Nice sweater man"
"Angora wool"
"What kind of sheep is that?"
"It's not a sheep, it's a rabbit"
"Look man you only get wool from sheep"
"You can get an angora cat and and angora goat. Angora goats give you mohair"
"Yeah!!! and you can get angora turtles, big shaggy bastards, when the wool on their backs becomes so heavy and wet they sink to the bottom of the sea, for deapsea divers to collect... dream on man"
"Nice sweater man"
"Angora wool"
"What kind of sheep is that?"
"It's not a sheep, it's a rabbit"
"Look man you only get wool from sheep"
"You can get an angora cat and and angora goat. Angora goats give you mohair"
"Yeah!!! and you can get angora turtles, big shaggy bastards, when the wool on their backs becomes so heavy and wet they sink to the bottom of the sea, for deapsea divers to collect... dream on man"
Day 74
Roope has been hitting the mushrooms.
"What do you think about guide-cats for the blind?"
"Cats are cantankerous. You couldn't train them to lead people around"
"It would be a new market"
"Cats would lead people straight into traffic"
"We could medicate the cats to make them behave like dogs, and be more obedient"
"Knock yourself out."
"What do you think about guide-cats for the blind?"
"Cats are cantankerous. You couldn't train them to lead people around"
"It would be a new market"
"Cats would lead people straight into traffic"
"We could medicate the cats to make them behave like dogs, and be more obedient"
"Knock yourself out."
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