“What’s this plant like?”
“Dutch crap.”
“Did you say Dutch cap?”
“No”
“Yes you did”
“Look numb-nut if you are thinking about sex even 6 seconds, see a trick cyclist and don't come around garden centres looking to pick people up”
“I've never been so insulted in my...”
“Do me a favour. Piss off to Interflora. You might get pulled there.”
Friday, August 27, 2004
Day 30 Perks
I don’t pay for rakes.
I don’t pay for spades.
I don’t pay for seeds.
I call them perks that come with the job.
I take them because I need them.
I don’t pay for spades.
I don’t pay for seeds.
I call them perks that come with the job.
I take them because I need them.
Day 29 Change
This guy comes in every second day to ask for change .
He has 1.50 euros and wants to change them for a 2 euro coin.
I tell him, "Get bent"
He leaves, but will try to the same trick a couple of days later.
Don't people do math any more?
He has 1.50 euros and wants to change them for a 2 euro coin.
I tell him, "Get bent"
He leaves, but will try to the same trick a couple of days later.
Don't people do math any more?
Day 28 Bat
Jussi said “If i were you, man, I’d put a baseball bat under the counter.”
“What for?”
“You can beat the crap out of those pensioners who are always out to rob you!”
“I’m insured.”
“Yea but you have to think of the paperwork... a baseball bat is better... quicker... more satisfying”
I wondered if a baseball bat featured heavily in masonic rituals.
“What for?”
“You can beat the crap out of those pensioners who are always out to rob you!”
“I’m insured.”
“Yea but you have to think of the paperwork... a baseball bat is better... quicker... more satisfying”
I wondered if a baseball bat featured heavily in masonic rituals.
Day 27 Bulbs
Got some new season bulbs in this week.
I threw them in the corner. They were from Holland... they looked like crap.
The Dutch pack any old crap in a slick wrapper and expect it to sell
Would you trust a company that wants to sell you Wordsworth Daffodils, or Burns Roses
Just cos some dead poet has written a poem about a flower, doesn't mean that it is any good.
Can you believe it some people will buy a rose cos it is called Queen Elizabeth.
If anybody buys a stupid bulb that will only dissapoint then I tell them
"Go ahead... knock yourself out"
I threw them in the corner. They were from Holland... they looked like crap.
The Dutch pack any old crap in a slick wrapper and expect it to sell
Would you trust a company that wants to sell you Wordsworth Daffodils, or Burns Roses
Just cos some dead poet has written a poem about a flower, doesn't mean that it is any good.
Can you believe it some people will buy a rose cos it is called Queen Elizabeth.
If anybody buys a stupid bulb that will only dissapoint then I tell them
"Go ahead... knock yourself out"
Day 26 Salesman
“Are you the owner?”
“Maybe... who is asking?”
“Well, I’m here to see if you’d like to buy some books by Charlie Dimmock?”
“Do you have any books on water features?”
“Plenty... would you like to order some?”
“No thanks. Books like that are shit.”
“Maybe... who is asking?”
“Well, I’m here to see if you’d like to buy some books by Charlie Dimmock?”
“Do you have any books on water features?”
“Plenty... would you like to order some?”
“No thanks. Books like that are shit.”
Day 25 Space
She came in again today.
"Could you order this book on water features by Charlie Dimmock for me?"
"No"
"Why not?"
"How big is you garden?"
"It is about 5 meters by 4 meters... why?"
"You don't have enough space"
"Charlie Dimmock makes water features in less space"
"All Dimmock does is let her knockers swing as she digs out a sand pit for her polypropelene lining. Its has got nothing to do with water features. Capability Brown did real water features and he needed 20 arces to get the right effect"
"I don't like your attitude... and I"
"And I don't like your attitude either... beat it"
"Could you order this book on water features by Charlie Dimmock for me?"
"No"
"Why not?"
"How big is you garden?"
"It is about 5 meters by 4 meters... why?"
"You don't have enough space"
"Charlie Dimmock makes water features in less space"
"All Dimmock does is let her knockers swing as she digs out a sand pit for her polypropelene lining. Its has got nothing to do with water features. Capability Brown did real water features and he needed 20 arces to get the right effect"
"I don't like your attitude... and I"
"And I don't like your attitude either... beat it"
Day 24 Ginger
"Do you have any books by Charlie Dimmock?.
“No”
“Do you have any water features designed by Charlie Dimmock?”
"No"
"Why not?"
"Because she is ginger... go figure"
She left without a word
“No”
“Do you have any water features designed by Charlie Dimmock?”
"No"
"Why not?"
"Because she is ginger... go figure"
She left without a word
Thursday, August 26, 2004
Day 23 Pressing
Some kid’s been pinching flowers from the Clemitis collection.
Little snotnose wears scimpy pants and a T-shirt that shows her belly button. Probably thinks her skeleton frame would detract from the fact she was sniping flowers and putting them in her big crocheted bag
"Why are you stealing flowers from my plants"
"Get real, I'm not stealing anything"
"Don't you realise the selling point for those plants is that they have glorious flowers, and if you nick the flowers then I can't sell them"
"I didn't nick them"
"Then what is that in your bag?"
"I don't know... if they are your stupid flowers then they must have droped in there by accident"
"A Microfleur flower press... you drying flowers?"
"What business is it of yours?"
"It is my business, you little flower nicker"
I called the cops and they arrested the kid and shoved her into the back of their car.
“I didn’t do anything!” She shouted from the backseat of the car
Flowers should be enjoyed when they are alive. It is only perverts that like to look at them when they are dead and dried. Dead flowers don't put any money in my pocket. Dead flowers can last for ever. Dead flowers can put you out of business.
Little snotnose wears scimpy pants and a T-shirt that shows her belly button. Probably thinks her skeleton frame would detract from the fact she was sniping flowers and putting them in her big crocheted bag
"Why are you stealing flowers from my plants"
"Get real, I'm not stealing anything"
"Don't you realise the selling point for those plants is that they have glorious flowers, and if you nick the flowers then I can't sell them"
"I didn't nick them"
"Then what is that in your bag?"
"I don't know... if they are your stupid flowers then they must have droped in there by accident"
"A Microfleur flower press... you drying flowers?"
"What business is it of yours?"
"It is my business, you little flower nicker"
I called the cops and they arrested the kid and shoved her into the back of their car.
“I didn’t do anything!” She shouted from the backseat of the car
Flowers should be enjoyed when they are alive. It is only perverts that like to look at them when they are dead and dried. Dead flowers don't put any money in my pocket. Dead flowers can last for ever. Dead flowers can put you out of business.
Day 22 Expensive
“But I don’t see why I can’t buy all these flowers at once!”
“Becasue they are expensive”
“But I need them for a wedding night!”
“so?”
“Well if you don't want my custom I’m going to Interflora!”
I wondered if Interfloa would be dumb enough to give the guy a jungle of flowers for his poxy wedding.
I rang them up.
“Hi, I want a jungle of flowers for my wedding night” I said
“Cash or credit?”
“Credit”
“Call by and make your selection, and we will have them delivered”
Oi vay!!! Cretins.
“Becasue they are expensive”
“But I need them for a wedding night!”
“so?”
“Well if you don't want my custom I’m going to Interflora!”
I wondered if Interfloa would be dumb enough to give the guy a jungle of flowers for his poxy wedding.
I rang them up.
“Hi, I want a jungle of flowers for my wedding night” I said
“Cash or credit?”
“Credit”
“Call by and make your selection, and we will have them delivered”
Oi vay!!! Cretins.
Day 21 Uno
Got robbed again.
It was the same old age pensioner but this time she had brought along a sidekick to distract me while she robbed the bird feeder of sunflower seeds.
Since setting the cops on her did not work the last time, so I got Uno to hose her down with the pressure hose.
Uno is stupid. He will do anything I say.
He hosed her down good.
Her 35 dernier tights were hanging around her ankles like wet concertinas
She will be back.
Old people have no shame. That is what poverty does to you.
It was the same old age pensioner but this time she had brought along a sidekick to distract me while she robbed the bird feeder of sunflower seeds.
Since setting the cops on her did not work the last time, so I got Uno to hose her down with the pressure hose.
Uno is stupid. He will do anything I say.
He hosed her down good.
Her 35 dernier tights were hanging around her ankles like wet concertinas
She will be back.
Old people have no shame. That is what poverty does to you.
Day 20 Fingernails
It bothered me today that I couldn’t get a better job. Here I am with a PhD, and I am working in a gardening centre.
However, after driving a taxi for a couple of weeks, I realised there're worse jobs.
I like the sun, and I don't mind dirty fingernails
Customers even respect you if your fingernails are dirty.
Tell me what other job could you have, where you can get away with dirty fingernails?
Certainly not at Nokia
However, after driving a taxi for a couple of weeks, I realised there're worse jobs.
I like the sun, and I don't mind dirty fingernails
Customers even respect you if your fingernails are dirty.
Tell me what other job could you have, where you can get away with dirty fingernails?
Certainly not at Nokia
Day 19 Skaters
A couple of skaters came into the centre. They like to skateboard down the aisles, out back when nobody is looking.
I turned the sprinklers on full blast and soaked them.
They got wet and waddled back outside... the cuffs of their baggy pants trailing ragged on the ground.
Skaters don’t like water messing with their hair gel.
I don't like skaters
I turned the sprinklers on full blast and soaked them.
They got wet and waddled back outside... the cuffs of their baggy pants trailing ragged on the ground.
Skaters don’t like water messing with their hair gel.
I don't like skaters
Day 18 Maria
Maria comes in every Friday to order some flowers for the church on Sunday.
She walks through the bouquet section and looks at the lilies.
After a while, she’ll come up with a bunch of flowers and hands them to me.
“This, for Sunday morning.” she says
I say. "OK"
When she leaves I put the flowers back in the cabinet.
On Sunday she comes in and gets something else.
Catholics! They can never make up their minds.
She walks through the bouquet section and looks at the lilies.
After a while, she’ll come up with a bunch of flowers and hands them to me.
“This, for Sunday morning.” she says
I say. "OK"
When she leaves I put the flowers back in the cabinet.
On Sunday she comes in and gets something else.
Catholics! They can never make up their minds.
Day 17 Duplicates
“I’ve already got a plant like this one!”
“So?”
“So, I wanna change it for different one. ”
“So?”
“Well, can i change it?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“It’s not my fault you go and buy something you don’t want. If you didn’t want it, you shouldn’t have got it, right?
" I want to see the manager"
"I am the manager"
He left before I could explain the rule of 5's and 3's. It was more plants that he needed... not less
“So?”
“So, I wanna change it for different one. ”
“So?”
“Well, can i change it?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“It’s not my fault you go and buy something you don’t want. If you didn’t want it, you shouldn’t have got it, right?
" I want to see the manager"
"I am the manager"
He left before I could explain the rule of 5's and 3's. It was more plants that he needed... not less
Day 16 Artificial
“I’m looking for a plant that is easy to take care of.”
“What colour? Yellow?”
“Yes that would be good.”
“Sunflower yellow, or daffodil yellow?”
“I dunno. something yellow.”
I show her an artificial sunflower made of silk paper, which has been put together by the delft fingers of child labour in China. I buy them at 20 for 1 euro and sell them at 1 for 20 euros
“This is made of paper ” she says
I say "It's a flower. It is yellow, and is easy to care for, and will last you a life time. What more do you want?"
She paid her 20 euros and left.
I won't see her again.
“What colour? Yellow?”
“Yes that would be good.”
“Sunflower yellow, or daffodil yellow?”
“I dunno. something yellow.”
I show her an artificial sunflower made of silk paper, which has been put together by the delft fingers of child labour in China. I buy them at 20 for 1 euro and sell them at 1 for 20 euros
“This is made of paper ” she says
I say "It's a flower. It is yellow, and is easy to care for, and will last you a life time. What more do you want?"
She paid her 20 euros and left.
I won't see her again.
Day 15 Closing
It’s been too busy of late, thanks to all the graduations going on
I’m sick of advising customers.
They want to know how long the stem of the rose should be. How many petals the rose should have. How many leaves should be left on the stem.
Who cares? The rose will be dead in a day anyway.
To avoid them, I close early and go home to work in my own garden.
It rained.
I’m sick of advising customers.
They want to know how long the stem of the rose should be. How many petals the rose should have. How many leaves should be left on the stem.
Who cares? The rose will be dead in a day anyway.
To avoid them, I close early and go home to work in my own garden.
It rained.
Day 14 Roope
Roope will come in and wants to see the rose bush calalogue.
He comes in at eight when we are about to close.
He asks if he can order a rare manderin rose.
I say "Sure"
"When will it arrive?
“With any luck next week” I say.
I never order anything for him.
Roope is a bum who does not have a garden.
He sleeps in a tunnel under the motorway.
He comes in at eight when we are about to close.
He asks if he can order a rare manderin rose.
I say "Sure"
"When will it arrive?
“With any luck next week” I say.
I never order anything for him.
Roope is a bum who does not have a garden.
He sleeps in a tunnel under the motorway.
Day 13 Roses
It got real busy at lunchtime today, with customers seeking roses to buy for their kids graduations.
Graduations are almost as good as deaths when it comes to flower sales.
Deaths give you regular trade with wreaths, but since graduations only come once a year then to make the most of it you have to bump up the price.
Yesterday the roses were 5 euros a bunch. Today I will charge 15 euros for a single rose which I got Janna to spray with some cheap golden spray.
Some customer says "These roses are expensive"
"So?"
"I need to go to my car to get some more money"
"So?"
When she leaves I shut the door and locked it, and put up a sign Out for lunch.
She came back and hammered on the glass door.
I ignored her
After a while she went away.
Graduations are almost as good as deaths when it comes to flower sales.
Deaths give you regular trade with wreaths, but since graduations only come once a year then to make the most of it you have to bump up the price.
Yesterday the roses were 5 euros a bunch. Today I will charge 15 euros for a single rose which I got Janna to spray with some cheap golden spray.
Some customer says "These roses are expensive"
"So?"
"I need to go to my car to get some more money"
"So?"
When she leaves I shut the door and locked it, and put up a sign Out for lunch.
She came back and hammered on the glass door.
I ignored her
After a while she went away.
Day 12 Jeans
A dwarf came up to the counter today, asking for Jussi the postman.
He had the turnups on his jeans turned way up so they were almost up to his knees.
I wondered if this was something masonic or if he had just bought his jeans too long.
He had the turnups on his jeans turned way up so they were almost up to his knees.
I wondered if this was something masonic or if he had just bought his jeans too long.
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