Day 206 Three things

Today I learnt three things.

• If you get a chance... then do a pee
• Never trust a fart
• If you get an erection use it.

These are the things you learn when you get older.

Day 205 Truth

"Jussi has run off with the money and abandoned you"

"No he hasn't, he said he will be back"

"So did Arnold Swarchenegger. You just don't get it do you?"

"Get what?"

"That Sami wore a number 04 shirt instead of a 05. That the score was not nil-nil at full time"

"So? we still won half a million euros"

"And Jussi has run off with it so you have got nothing, zilch, nada, nola, zero, you have lost all of your savings, and you are believing all this rubbish about spacebrothers, and secret codes, and mysterious messages, and signs and wonders. The only signs and wonders that you have see is that Jussi has signed for a 500,000 euro cheque and you are left to wonder where the money has gone."

Day 204 Ots

"I was just thinking that Jussi's surname was Ots. Same as the famous Estonian singer George Ots, and Ots, near as damn it, sounds similar to Oates, Captain Oates who was a member of Captain Robert Falcon Scott's ill-fated expedition to the South Pole in 1911-12, and Oates famous last words were:

"I am just going outside, and may be some time."

So don't you see in the cosmic scheme of things, Jussi just had to disappear with the money, to give us all a chance. Just like Oates, Jussi disappeared and walked off willingly to an unknown fate, in order that we might have a better chance to live."

I think Uno is in serious denial.

Day 203 DuDuDuDuDuDudek

So I asked Uno what Jussi had been saying before he disappeared with the money and Uno said,

"Did you see how Dudek shimmered on the goal line like old Bruce Grobbelaar, legs like jelly, waving arms about, setting up interference patterns. It was a dance from the past, from the final at the Olimpico [in Rome] on 30 May 1984, when Roma just melted away during the penalty shoot out, mesmerised by the wobbly legs of the goalkeeper.

It was a reenactment, a reincarnation, a release of the collective consciousness, a calling up of old demons, a stab at the psyche of the Italians, a voodoo charm, a mojo man rub, a snakeoil annointing, a wootonga song, a Marvin Pontiac solo. In two words "powerful medicine".

But besides all that Jussi told me that Dudek was sending him semiphore signals with those strange hand movements, and the message Dudek was sending was:

Going up now may not be back for some time

Neither of us knew what the message ment until Jussi dissappeared with the money in a flash of blinding light in the forest.

Day 202 Abduction.

So Liverpool won, in a penalty shootout, just like the spacebrothers said would happen, and Jussi and Uno went and picked up their winnings. By my reckoning it was a cool 500,000 euro. Jussi has disappeared and Uno is left with nothing. Uno tells it like this.

"We colected the money in a Lidl plastic bag and Jussi and me went into the forest to celebrate with the spacebrothers. We stepped into a clearing and there was a blinding light and Jussi disappeared with the Lidl bag full of the money."

Uno swears he heard Jussi say as he disappeared.

I am going up now. I may be gone for some time

Uno believes that Jussi has been abducted. Whisked away in the night by the spacebrothers.

Day 201 Final

Jussi and Uno are gloriously drunk. They have those heavy eyelids and greasy lips of of vodka drinkers.

"The Reds will have the edge in the Istanbul, and you know why, I'll tell you why, AC lost Serie A title, rolled over like beaten dogs, surrendered everything to Juventus. You have to fancy Liverpool, really fancy them, cos they are the Reds and the Turkish flag is Red, so you can imagine who the Turks will be supporting. You know that Istanbul comes from the original Greek "eis tin poli" (to the city)"

"Yeah and Milan look jaded physically - and certainly mentally - by losing the Serie A title, so the Reds are on the up, and Milan are on the way down. The space brothers were just saying that the American war against terrorism as a new Crusade against Islam... and Ex-president Bill Clinton has also fingered the Crusades as the root cause of the present world unrest. This is so much more than a football game. It is a fight of red against white, Istanbul against Constantinople, and if you arrange the letters of constantinople you get NIL AC ET NONSTOP which obviously means that AC will score no goals in a nonstop game. I think we should put all our money on a penelty shoot-out at the end of the game."

Day 200 Ten

I overheard Jussi and Uno discussing the upcoming match in Istanbul.

"When was the last time a Finnish player was in the final of the champions league? Don't bother exerting yourself, I'll tell you it was in 1995, and do you know who it was? Jari!!! when he played for Ajax and he scored the winning goal, and do you know what number he had on his shirt? I'll tell you. It was 10, and guess what 1995+10 equals 2005 which is this years final, and what Finnish player is playing now... don't bother... It's Sami. Sami/Jari, Jari/Sami both names have got four letters. Get it? And what is the number of his shirt 05... all the best centre-halfs wear the number 5. You see it all adds up. It's like everything is slotting into place. It's mathematicaly so beautiful. The money is as good as in the bank. Do you need any more convincing that Liverpool will win?"

"That's deep man. How did you work all of that out?"

Jussi rubbed the side of his nose and gave nod and a wink. "Spacebrothers"

Day 199 Red

Uno says the "spacebrothers" have been talking to Jussi again. They have said that Liverpool will wear their traditional red home kit for the Champions League final against AC Milan on 25 May. Milan were due to wear their usual red and black stripes after being drawn as the 'home' team. But the two clubs have agreed that the Italians will play in white - which they wore while beating Juventus to claim the Champions League in 2003.

Liverpool's four previous European Cup victories have come while wearing red against teams playing in white. So they are going to fill their boots at 5/2.

I don't believe this. Remember you are reading this 15 days before the final.

Jussi says the "spacebrothers" rule.

Day 198 Milan

I told Jussi the Italians never do well away from home.

He said "Whatever"

I tried to persude Uno not to be foolish with his money

He said "Liverpool will win so the money is already in the bank"

"But your marvellous plan only works if Milan gets through to the final"

Can you believe it PSV beats Milan 3-1 and the aggregate over the two legs is 3-3 and Milan goes through to the final on the way goals rule.

Those bastards are sniggering at me and lighting cuban cigars with 5 euro notes.

The spacebrothers have spoken.

Day 197 Anfield

Liverpool beat Chelsea 1-0

Looks like it is Apocalypse Now in Instanbul, when Liverpool plays AC Milan in the final. Jussi and Uno now have 100,000 euros. They are off to celebrate with the "spacebrothers" in the forest. Apparently Roope knows where they hang out.

Roope threw in his lot with Jussi and Uno, and backed his unemployment benifit money he had been getting from KELA. He is 4790 euros richer, and he happens to know that the spacebrothers like Koskenkorva.

Day 196 Spacebrothers

The spacebrothers have told Jussi that Liverpool will beat Chelsea 1-0 at Anfield. They are betting all of their winnings from the last game.

They want me to come in along with them. It is a safe bet and they can't loose. They would only get 5/2 if they said Liverpool would win but since they are predicting a 1-0 win the old will be bumped up to 10/1

So if the "spacebrothers" are right they should have 100,000 euros in the bank tomorrow night.

Now I ask you would you believe anything Jussi or Uno says. Just take a look at them. Arse hanging out of their trousers, and shoes down at the heel. That really does not put me off them. What gets me is the small specks of white spit that collects at the corners of their mouth when they talk.

"Are you in or not?" says Jussi

"I'll just check with the "spacebrothers" and see what they say, and I'll get back to you... OK?"

"Good thinking... you won't regret it."

Day 195 Loony

Uno is mightily impressed by the Raving Loony Party of Great Britain, and thinks that the Finnish government should adopt some of their policies.

Economy: We will issue a 99p coin to save on change.
Education: Bright pupils will be provided with dimmer switches.
Political reform: The House of Lords will become the House of Cards, to make it easier to deal with.
Transport: All cars will be converted to run on Venos to help stop congestion.
Home Affairs: The Millennium Bridge will be made wobbly again, by building a pub at either end.
Law and Order: Anyone caught breaking the law will be made to mend it.
Immigration: Everyone wanting to come and live in the UK will be made welcome, so long as they are over the age of 85 and accompanied by both parents.
Sport: Boxing will be made obligatory for people we don’t like.
Football: All footballers will be made to wear flip-flops to make the game more interesting
Environment: All people that think that they have a right to roam will need permission from the Pope.
National Anthem: In future the National Anthem will be ‘Bring Me Sunshine’ as sung by Morecambe and Wise. It is quicker, more tuneful and people know the words.

Dat 194 Meditation

Uno told me that Buhdists refuse to take any anesthetics when they go to the dentists, because they are into Transcend dental medication.

Day 193 Liverpool

Uno and Jussi have just won 10,000 Euros by betting on Liverpool to draw 0-0 with Chelsea. They are all fired up. It is in the stars they say. Jussi has been receiving messages from the "space brothers" who once abducted Sami Hyypia and did an operation on him to give him super-powers.

Apparently it is in the cosmic plans of the "space bothers" that Liverpool should win the European cup and thus bring about an Armageddon of sorts in Istanbul, or Constantinople as Jussi prefers to call it.

Jussi contends that the Brits are in actual fact the ten lost tribes of Israel and that they are represented by Liverpool, who will defeat AC Milan those popish catholic Italians.

This makes perfect sence to them since they are cracked out of their skulls on Koskenvorva

Day 192 Car

Uno was selling some bails of hay to a man who belonged to a well know Finnish ethnic minority who have a keen interest in horses. They were haggling over the price of the bails of hay, which we usually only sell to line rabbit hutches.

The boss of the garden centre rolls up in his new Mercedes-Benz S 500 4Matic and Uno's jaw drops at the sight of the new car. That thing would cost 5 years wages for him. How can anybody afford cars like that? Those cars had been christened "Halonen's" since only the prime minister could afford to drive one, or somebody who is obscenely rich.

The horse loving man who belonged to the Finnish ethnic minority, noticed that Uno was pop-eyed impressed at the sight of this paragon of automotive engineering, so he remarked.

"I've got one like that at home... but it has got a bigger engine."

"Stroll on John... no kidding" said the slack jawed Uno.

I don't know which is worse. People who tell lies, or those that believe lies

Day 191 Thought

Hold that thought:

Without advertisements we could be happy without even knowing why.

Day 190 Apophenia

Uno has come up with this scheme to get rich quick. It is all based of some story that Jussi has told him. Jussi is all about apophenia theories and he has come up with the following facts.

In 1978 - the Pope died. Wales won the Six Nations rugby internationals. Liverpool lost in the final of the League Cup to the eventual League Champions, and Liverpool went on and won the European Cup.

In 2005 - the Pope has died. Wales have won the Six Nations. Liverpool have lost in the final of the League Cup to the (certain) eventual League Champions, and so it is blindingly obvious to anyone who has an eye for historical facts, and a penchant for astrology that Liverpool will go on and win the Champions League.

Uno plans to bet his life savings on this plan, and asked me what I thought of the idea. So I told him straight.

"Knock yourself out!!!"

Day 189 Poetry

Uno wanted to know about poetry. I told him it is easy to recognised a poem. All the first letters of every line is a capital.

Day 187 Art

Uno disgraced himself. He went to Kiasma and pissed in an art installation that he mistook for a urinal.

Day 186 Bees

Big swarm of bees landed in the back yard and were hanging like a treacle teardrop from our weeping willow tree. It was sort of scarey for the customers and Uno was asking what he should do. I gave him these options.

Poke the swarm viciously with a stick.

Supersoaker filled with petrol and a lighter.

Failing that a can of hair spray and a match should work.

Hoover them up with a vacuum cleaner.

Blast them away with a shotgun.

Day 185 Personality

Uno has been to an art exhibition at Kiasma. He said he was looking for inspiration for his flower arrangements. I asked him what he thought of modern art.

"Well I totally fell in love with photographs on display, but at the same time I thought it was a crock of shit"

I think Uno has a split personality.

Day 184 Chef

Uno says a chef at the Raddison hotel downtown has gone berserk. Apparently the chef has taken all the management hostage in his kitchen. I told him.

"Must be the first cook coup of Spring"

Day 183 Spring

The Boss is distraught. He comes in with tears in his eyes. Says he caught his wife in bed with another man. When he was out of ear-reach I remarked to Uno.

"Must be the first cuckold of Spring"

Day 182 Testing Uno

Uno comes up to me and says he can't listen to any of Peter Gabriels CD's

I say "Is that SO?"

I ask him what about movies and DVD's and he says he can't stand any of the Beatles movies.

I say "You definately need HELP"

I went off sniggering. He just stood there with a perplexed look on his face.

Day 181 Dates

You know what gets me? You grow flowers and they are fine, you cut them and in a few days they are dead. But do you know what is worse than flowers? Cheese!!!

This is what I don't understand. Valio matures their black label Emental for 9 months and then when they put it on the shelves its got to be used within 7 days.

Uno would say why not mature it for 4 and a half months and then keep it in you fridge for another 4 and a half months if you want to.

Makes perfect sence to me.

Day 180 Shrinkage.

We got new green T-shirt with our logo on them. Everybody has to wear one. I put mine in the wash and it shrinks 50%. Crap cotten. Indonesian or Chinese junk. I want a T-shirt to be loose and to cover my belly, and not to be up around my nipples. Uno is wearing his, it is busting at the seams and it is well up his back exposing his butt crack. Some corporate image I says to him.

"Did you wash it according to the instructions on the label?"

"Yeah!!!"

"And the T-shirt shrunk... what about the label?

"The label was fine it didn't shrink"

"Then perhaps the washing instructions were for the label."

Day 179 Phone

Tired of answering the phone so I have recorded a new answer machine message. Instead of telling people they have got through to a garden centre the phone tells them they have got through to a mental health center. Here what I told them to do.

"If you have a repetative compulsive disorder press 1 repeatedly"
"If you are co-dependent get some one to press 2 for you."
"If you have a multiple personality disorder press any of the keys in a random fashion"
"If you are paranoid don't hang up we will trace the call and be right with you"
"If you are dyslexic press 69696969696"
"If you have a short term memory problem call back later."
"If you have low self-esteem we are sorry all of our operators are busy"

Day 178 Pygmy

Uno tries to tell a joke.

"The Fukawe are this pygmy tribe. They live in the bush....right?"

He's forgotten this part, or maybe he never heard it properly. Is this going to be another Uno joke that just peters out?

"...somewhere in Africa" he rushes ahead, eager to get to the punch line.

"And they're so small they keep getting lost in the tall grass; it's like a jungle to them, dense like. But they have to keep moving through it anyway, because they're like nomads, or... or maybe there's another tribe out hunting them. Anyway, it doesn't matter. Thing is, you see they're always on the march through this tall grass that would only be butt-high to anybody else, but it is up over their heads. And as they go you can hear them chanting their war chant, 'We're the Fukawe, we're the Fukawe!'"

Nice one Uno.

Day 177 Richest.

Thought for today:

The richest man on the earth...

is the one with the most money.

Day 176 Valentines

We did something special for St Valentines day.

We trebled the price of everything.

Day 175 Hold it

Got a phone call today asking for a Charlie Dimmock book.

I said "This is a incontinence clinic, can you hold a minute?"

Day 174 Avalanche

Back at work and Uno tells me this increbible story. I believe him straight away. It is so unreal it has to be true. He tells me a man was traped in his car by an avalanche and he pissed his way to freedom. Apparently he it was too cold for him to dig his way out but he had 60 bottles of beer and he drunk them all then peed his way out of the avalanche.

I wish I could piss my way out of my troubles.

Day 173 Sauna

It was a stupid thing to do but I did it anyway. I bought some vodka from Alko and took it with me to the swimming pool at EspoonKeskus. I drank half the bottle in the changing rooms and the rest I took into the sauna and threw it on the hot stones.

Now breathing in alcohol fumes does something funny to your chest. It tightens up like you were being strapped into an electric chair with a leather belt. The vision goes. Well more like comes and goes with every beat of your heart. It blurs in time to your pulse... a sort of slow strobe effect without the strobe lights.

It was then that I thought, I've paid my money, am going to go swimming. I didn't make it. I stumbled and fell head first into the Jacuzzi on my way to the pool.

The attendants pulled me out and called the police. I lied and told them I had had a blackout. Diabetes... low blood sugar. Nobody want to admit that they want to go drunk swimming. That would be crazy.

Day 172 Stairs

Moonlight and whisky is not a good combination, especially when you launch yourself into the void on a big bit of cardboard, only to find yourself rattling down a flight of 500 steps on the far side of the hill at Malminkartano.

Imagine yourself at the Rautaruukki, Koverhar Steel Works. Imagine yourself as a piece of pig iron being beaten by a series of monsterous hydraulic jack-hammers.

When I reached the bottom of the steps you could have thrown me straight into a frying pan and cooked me rare. I was so tender.

Day 172 Hill

I bought a fifth of cheap whisky and at midnight went out to climb the sledging hill at Malminkartano. It is a hill built out of rubbish, and in the winter when it is covered with snow people go sledging on it. It was deserted. I was alone.

The night was dark and clear... crisp would be the word. You could see as far as the Neste tower in Otaniemi, the water tower in Lauttasaari, the Lutheran catherdral in the town centre, and away on the opposite side of the hill the condensation from the cooling towers of the Vanta powerstation rose straight into the air. I looked at them and thought they were exclamation marks. Only the sentence that proceeded them was missing. Typical. Messages never come when you are looking for answers.

I drank down the whisky neat... straight from the bottle. A sip at a time as I looked at the stars in the cloudless sky. Light travelling from outerspace. How many years had it taken to travel all that distance for me to see on this starry starry night.

I finished off the whiskey and found a big bit of cardboard and decided to go over the edge of the steepest slope that nobody else dared to go down. The moon was full. Madness.

Day 171 Wootonga

It was the name that did it. The label on the bottle said Wootonga and I just had to investigate. It was only 5 euro and it had a 19 volt kick. Wootonga, Australian sweet sherry.

It might have been fine if I had drunk it in small amounts as an after dinner tipple, but I drank the whole bottle in one go, and for some unfathomable reason decided to eat a jar of Ahti raw baltic herring in a mustard sauce to go along with it.

Logic should tell you that Australian Sweet Sherry and raw baltic herring in mustard sauce is not a good combination, but let me just say that the unusualness of the flavours, the mingling of the sweetness and the bitterness was sufficiently interesting that three-quarters of the wine was gone and the almost all of the raw herring before the nausea began to creep into my throat.

Having started a project I was loathe to give up, so operating on the principle of a "hair of the dog that bite you" I downed the remaining glass of Wootonga in one gulp and observing some onion rings and black peppercorns remaining in the raw herring jar I ate them as well.

It was when the molars crunched through the peppercorns that the projectile vomiting started, and after the stomach was empty the dry retching continued. There is nothing worse than the taste of bile in your mouth... well in actual fact there is... Wootonga and raw herring.

I should not be punishing myself like this.

Day 170 Explainations

"I can't get my head around this. What you are saying is that Brita is a man who is on hormones and is about to undergo an operation to become a woman, and then get married to his girlfriend?"

"Well it was glaringly obvious to anyone. He didn't fool me for a second. I mean to say that truck drivers voice was a dead give-away"

"But I thought you fancied him when you thought he was a woman? Giving him flowers and that."

"Naw the flowers were destined for the dump anyways. Rubbish really."

"Rubbish with ribbons on... pull the other one. You're in denial"

Day 169 Close Shave

I didn't shave for a few days. I had that designer stubble, and I wandered down to the hair dressers to take the flowers to Brita. I intended to drop them off and leave, but she looked at me with a mischevious look in her eye and purred.

"You could do with a shave"

I couldn't believe my luck "Yeah I suppose I do... could you do it for me?"

"Sure hop up in the chair"

I settled into the chair and she took an old fashioned shaving brush and lathered my face. It was nice to feel the bristles on my bristles. She then began to strop an open edged razor on a brown leather belt to whet the edge. Her hands were quick as a weavers and with extremely deft movements she began to shave me.

"You're very good at this"

"Oh yes I used to shave quite regularly before I had the hormone treatment. Just waiting for the operation to be scheduled, then my girlfriend and I are puting in for a same sex marriage."